The Project is STARTING! Yayyyy.

All new project. All new challenges.
I've started receiving materials. I've set up my office and I'm nearly done with the numbering of the prints and the spreadsheets.

All my tools are unloaded from the truck, sorted, and stacked in my office. The campershell is off my truck. Boy, does the truck look weird without the campershell.

I held a training class for two of the guys on my crew for the Forklift. One of the guys is as enthusiastic as I used to be. He's having fun running the forklift. I love to see someone embrace something new like that. I was always that person - thrilled to learn what others consider mundane.

I left all my work AT WORK, so this weekend is all freed up to relax. I might clean out the spare bedroom, maybe clean out the truck. Otherwise, I'll be painting and drinking coffee. I bought a pot roast and some carrots. That will satisfy my urge to smell something cooking. I also bought some pie-crust mix and a jar of apple pie filling. Maybe I'll bake an Apple Pie! Since I don't have to worry about the recipe, just assembly, I'll make the lattice-work top for it and sprinkle it with sugar and cinnamon. I haven't done that in years.

Mmmm. Apple Pie!

Have a great day!
MsAmber

I had a dream

I dreamed that I knocked on the old lady's door, and when she opened it I pushed my way in. I was friendly, but insistent. Then I proceeded to introduce myself and started rummaging through her kitchen cabinets and refrigerator. She was bothered by it and was trying to protest, but I wasn't stopping. I told her I wanted to make sure she had plenty. In my dream, I was a little out-of-character with my pushiness, but it seemed real enough and do-able.

So now, I have this compulsion to see my next door neighbor. The little trailer she lives in is painted all white, and the windows are whited-out. There are pictures of Jesus and Madonna/Mary all over the place. One of each in every window. My landlord told me that she is in her 80s and insists on pictures of Jesus everywhere - including the lawnmower that they use to mow her grass.

Problem is: I've not seen hide-nor-hair of this lady. She doesn't appear to own a car. I've watched for evidence of lights, or cooking, or mail-checking. Nothing. I would even expect to see her peering through cracks in the window just to see all the activity of me moving in next-door. Nothing. So I bought a can of cookies and went over yesterday and knocked. Nothing. I detected no movement.

Now what do I do? I tried calling the landlord and asking him, but he is curiously not answering his phone. Is the old lady home? Has anyone seen her? Should I ask the Priest at the Catholic church around the corner? Call the fire department?
And why do I even have this compulsion, was it the dream?

I'm imagining an "Eleanor Rigby" right next door. If she is there, and is such a shut-in, I really think I should follow through with the instructions in my dream.

Or maybe my imagination is running away with me again. LOL. Won't be the first time.

Have a great week.
MsAmber

New Lisbon Wisconsin

I'm here!
I found a mobile home for rent with a vacant space next-door for storing the RV. I've rented the mobile home and made all my utility deposits, moved all my furniture into the mobile home. I didn't know I had all this stuff in one tiny little RV. I only needed to buy an entertainment cabinet, bedframe, and nightstands.
Next I need to winterize the RV and clean it up real good, then close it up for the winter. I'm ready for work.
I cooked a good meal tonight and now I'm ready to kick back and watch a movie: The Curse of King Tut's Tomb. Sounds cheesy, right?
Yeah, I'm in the mood for a cheesy movie... lol.

Have a great week.
MsAmber

I get to leave here soon!!!

That's the good news.
The bad news is: I get to jump straight out of the frying pan and into the fire.
I'm starting another project (just like this one) in Volk Field Wisconsin.
(Yeah, same latitude - can I get off the 45? Please?)

Actually, I'm pretty excited. I'm always psyched up for a new project. I'm not really distressed by the prospect of snow and cold and such, as I am wont to complain about. It just amuses me, really.

I've worked very hard here, and I'm ready to hand the baton to another and move on to the next job.
I've been searching for apartments - furnished, unfurnished, room-shares, etc; in Wisconsin, and I have to say the prospects aren't very good. I'm going to park the RV in a safe, southerly place, and move myself and my portable goods into an apartment up there for 6 months.

Hey, wish me luck.
See Ya!
MsAmber

Been in Alpena Michigan for 2 1/2 months.

The project is going well. We have completed 18 buildings - over 600 drops so far, which puts us at the 1/3 milestone.

I've been in Alpena Michigan for 2 1/2 months already. Do you realize that I've been at the 45th latitude for the entire duration of Summer? Well, except for the time spent in Cincinnati with Robbie.

I get to use three days of vacation time next week to run down and visit Robbie. The contract that I am on expires on the 27th of September, so there will be a temporary work-stoppage, during which I can go make a booty call!

Okay, okay. Too Much Information. (I said booty call, tee hee hee.)

And yes, I DO know that my Grandmother reads this.

The time is coming when I'll have to hitch up the RV and take it South. I can't fathom trying to live through winter in this RV - especially all the way up here. Oh yeah, I forgot: my other project in New Lisbon Wisconsin is going to kick off in November. This means that I get to leave here and start that job right in the middle of the cold weather. It should last about 8 months - depending on if I'm running two crews or one. I do hope that I only have to run one crew. This job here has been like herding cats!

I bought a new bicycle. It's beautiful. It's a Schwinn hybrid. It looks like an old-fashioned cruiser but it has 7 gears. Red and White with a basket and a bell, and a wide seat for my old butt. (I said Butt. Tee hee hee.)

I think I will hitch up and move around the 22nd of October if the weather will hold out. I have to go to Oklahoma to take the RCDD exam then, and I can drop off the RV in either Cincinnati or Louisville for the Winter. This way: when the Wisconsin project is over I can simply jog down and retrieve it.

The truck is doing good. I should probably buy some more-aggressive tires for the Winter. Only 30k miles and they are already on thin tread. They just don't make tires like they used to...

I did laundry yesterday, and dumped the gray-water tanks, changed the sheets, and read a little bit of the TDMM (like, only 20 pages or so). So today I need to vaccuum and dust - maybe clean out the refrigerator. I'm thinking of packing my suitcase so it will be ready when I get off work on Tuesday. I might just hop in the truck and take off as soon as I get done working. I'm so excited to see my beau. It's like getting a shot of love-adrenaline. Gotta go, gotta go.

Have a great weekend.
MsAmber

Still in Cincinnatti...

Besides being sick, I'm having a wonderful time.
We went Ziplining this last week. That's a real hoot. Ziplining is where you put on a 3-point harness and you hook up to some steel cables and ZIP from tree to tree. Some spans were upwards of 650' long by about 1200' above the ground. It was a blast!

I have some major chest congestion, along with a breakout of allergy-blisters on my hands and feet. Coughing, headache, chest congestion, itchy hands and feet, yeah, I'm a real piece of work right now.

I can't stand the air-conditioning. I think that's what brought it on. It's hot outside but I can't bear to be INSIDE. So, I'm outside with the fan blowing on me, sitting in my chair with a makeshift desk so I can work on my 332s.
Oh, how I suffer... lol.

I do feel, however, that I'd like to strip down to my underwear. Wish I had some soft shorts or something breezy to put on.
I think that's what I'll go look for in my wardrobe. Something wispy and breezy.

You have a great day.
MsAmber

Cincinnati Ohio (actually Oregonia)

I got leave to rig up and head to my next project in Alpena Michigan, but I have a little time between the two projects, so I routed myself through Cincinnati. I am here visiting with Robbie.

We've had a wonderful time. Getting acquainted again: talking, talking, talking.
Called my brother and invited him and his wife and child to visit, which they happily did last weekend. That, too, was a wonderful visit.

Next, my best friend Lisa (Robbie's sister) will visit on Thursday on her day off.
It's been many years since I've seen any of these people, but I found it quite heartwarming to realize the history I have with all of them.

I've known my brother all our lives, haven't seen him since 2003 or 2005.
I've known his wife for about 28 years.
I've known Robbie for 26 years.
I've known Lisa for 26 years.
I've been "away" for too long.
It was surprising and pleasant to sit around a campfire or sit around a dinner table and just talk with people who have so many years' familiarity.

Well, I'll be heading out of here soon to Michigan, but this was really worth it to steal a little time for some heart-healing.

You have a great day.
MsAmber

My new companion

I looked around at the local animal shelters - there was a St. Bernard, and a bull-mastiff, and some small dogs. But none seemed right. I looked at Craigslist and there was a Border Collie who was in trouble for killing chickens. The owners said lots of good things about her, but they couldn't tolerate a chicken killer. I arranged a meeting and I would like to introduce everyone to my new companion: "Haps".

"Haps" is a good girl. She's 7 years old, very fit and trim. Mature and quiet, but loves to run off-leash when she can. She makes me get up in the morning, which is a wonderful thing. Pretty much, she has all the good qualities from all my favorite dogs, wrapped up in one. So long as I don't own any chickens or rabbits, we're all good. She's darn funny, too.

Change of subject:

I bought a bag of nice ripe cherries on sale; I normally don't get ripe cherries or plums until July 4th weekend, so it was a pleasant surprise. I made Hamburger helper for dinner, then sat down to watch a Lara Croft - Tomb Raider movie. I got finished with dinner and decided to raid the refrigerator for something sweet - I found that I had forgotten about a bag of Dove Dark Chocolates stuffed in the door of the fridge. So I ate ripe, sweet cherries while nibbling on 3 Dove Dark Chocolates. Mmmm. Yummy. My forgetfulness sure does serve up some good surprises sometimes.... LOL.

Monday night I went to bed with a headache. I didn't have anything to take for it that doesn't contain caffeine, so I just thought I'd sleep it off. I woke up Tuesday with the WORST kind of headache ever! I dreamed that I was moving the longitude lines on the Earth because the minutes weren't correct and was calculating the TRUE circumference and my head was swelled up like a beachball and I had belly-buttons for eyes. I woke up with a terrible headache and couldn't bear the light and I thought for sure that my head really was swollen up like a beachball. I just covered my eyes and stayed in bed until 8:00. Well, I was late for work, I couldn't see, my eyes were swollen up pretty bad, but I was actually surprised when I looked in a mirror and my head wasn't a beachball. Light felt like big needles sticking me in the brain. I didn't actually feel better until about 2:00. It was awful. I haven't had a headache like that since 2008, I think. I actually can't remember when.
And to top it off: Tuesday was sunny and warm. I think that maybe big swings in barometric pressure set me off. I didn't get to enjoy the whole "warm sunny day" thing because I had a terrible headache.
The weather is turning rainy again, so I'm back to feeling alright. I had a pretty good day today - I guess when you survive a headache like that one, the next day you are giddy to be out of pain.

Ironic, isn't it?

"The Guy" that my brother recommended me to meet turned out to be my second boyfriend (joke's on me). My first boyfriend was Steve Conrad, in Jr. High, and he was killed in a 4-wheeler accident. My second boyfriend, during High School, was Robbie. We went to the prom together, and I was really infatuated with him. My brother has always thought highly of Robbie, I think my Mom and my Brother both conspired to keep Robbie in the family. In fact: Brother warned ME to be good to HIM. Yeah, tells you how well my brother thinks of me, right? It's all good, I'm not insulted much - we all know I'm not very good at relationships.
I'm intrigued by the prospect of getting to know him again, but actually quite scared of it too. I've been bullying and bluffing my way through life, and here's somebody who knows me and could actually call my bluffs. That's just not right.
I like to keep the number of people who can dis-arm me down to a handful.
Oh, but I DO have a certain fondness for him. I know he's a good guy - maybe too good - and I'm too much.
I told my brother - "Just because I'm lousy at relationships, doesn't mean I'm not a darn good woman!" (my defensive posture)

I don't want to proceed because for the first time I know it's somebody I don't want to hurt.
(There's the truth.)

The Base is playing Taps, so it must be 10:00.

Goodnight.
MsAmber

Just lonesome rambling...

I need to go do my laundry.

It's another cold rainy day here in Great Falls Montana. I just can't seem to snap myself out of this - I don't know what it is - depression? Blues? Stir-craziness with an urge to get out, but a lack of motivation to do so? I really want to pack up and leave here. I know it's just a matter of a couple of weeks before I can go, but I'm ready NOW!

I bought a 32" flat-screen television and then went to Hastings and bought some great concert DVDs. It is kinda nice to watch concerts on a bigger television. I know I didn't need a new TV, but the bigger screen is so nice to watch.

I'm ready for a new adventure. Something exciting is just around the corner, I know it. Maybe SUMMER? Sunshine? Oh gosh how I need some sunshine. This rain is so oppressive, I feel it like a mute-button on the remote control of my life. Any minute now I'll be able to bust out and laugh or scream or (something?) again. Waiting...waiting...Somebody, anybody, please unmute me!

So I called my Brother. He's cheerful, I'm happy for that. I asked him if he has a friend he'd like to hook me up with - geez, he didn't even think about it for a second - he said "Why, yes, I do." Oh goodness.

I really didn't have anything important to say, I just felt like saying something. Getting the Megabyte memorial entry off the top of the blog, maybe.
My Excedrin is kicking in, the headache has faded to a dull ache in my neck, I can live with that.

I'm listening to Neil Young - Live Rust. Actually the song is my favorite "Like a Hurricane". I'm going to start it over and crank it up.

You have a great day.
MsAmber

May 19, 2011

I'm starting to miss him less.
At least I don't look for him 100 times a day.
I still feel a lump in my throat when I think about him.
It's been 10 days since I put my best friend to sleep.

I still want to rush home after work to let him out, then I remember he's not there.
I still look down at the floor when I get out of bed so I don't step on him, then I remember that he's not there.

I tried to manage his pain, but still he cried and whined at night, I wanted to cover my ears so I couldn't hear it, it made me so sad.
I carried him up and down the steps every day. I gave him his pain medication twice a day. I consulted and researched and obsessed over it every day.
He gave up before I did.
I know he wanted to be pain-free, but I held on to every vestige of hope that he could get better or at least be comfortable.

On Monday, May 9th, I made the appointment: carried him in and set him on the table. He put his head under my arm and leaned in to me. I may be fooling myself but I believe that he knew what we were there for. He didn't get excited or upset as he usually would in a Vet's office.
The Vet was a nice lady, she talked to us for a few minutes and we discussed things like cremation and other stuff I can't remember...
The first shot put him painlessly and blissfully to sleep, I petted him for a long time and spoke my words:
"Thank you for being my dog. Please speak kindly of me when you meet God."

Then we gave him the second shot. I held my friend until his heart stopped and his breath was still.

I couldn't cope. My heart was broken. The sobs seemed to start somewhere around my navel and travel up until they hit the lump in my throat where they burst into awful gutteral sounds. I left his shell on the table, but I knew he was gone. I ran out to the truck because I had to get away.

I miss him. Terribly.

Megabyte, buddy. I'm grateful that I knew you. I miss you. You were a damn good friend. Send some light and love my way, would ya? I'm still hurting.

Peace.

Talking everybody out of the blues...

Everyone I know, just about, has called me within the last week. I've spent time, energy, attention, and words to try and talk them out of their blues.

My private little joke is to tell everyone to open up their windows and doors because they all have carbon-monoxide poisoning...

Brother is blue: He is crosswise with his pregnant fiance.
Rob is feeling blue over finances.
Tayla is feeling blue over not being pregnant.
Ellen is feeling blue and wants to come stay with me with her two babies (she imagines that my life is all rainbows and sparkles).
Joe S. calls me and seems to have a special knack for being blue.
Father has called.
Jerry has called.
Dandelion called upset because Rob made her think I was considering putting Megabyte down prematurely...

I'm feeling a little harried and bluish myself. Megabyte is really in pain and it hurts my feelings to see him hurting. That's the most pressing issue on my mind right now.

I don't mean to sound selfish or uncaring, but I don't have the energy right now to lift everyone else up. I am crying every day myself.

Megabyte can't exercise enough to work up a bowel movement, so he gets stopped up for several days. When he finally had a bm on Tuesday, he messed all over himself and I had to wash it off. It's been four days since then, and Meg hasn't had another bm yet. I know he's miserable. I just keep giving him pain pills and making him go pee twice a day and petting him often. I can't emotionally handle the misery of my best friend - even if he is just a dog. He wakes me up several times in the night with his high-pitched crying. I can't tell too much of a difference between on-the-pain-pills and off, except that he can sometimes just fake a good mood and tail wagging session, but he pays for it later.
My dog makes me want to cry all the time.

I don't have a close friend to depend on for solid, encouraging, uplifting advice.

I just feel so alone.

I wanna go home. (Where is that exactly?)

I don't know how I'm going to get past this.

MsAmber

Spokane, Washington

I left the RV in Great Falls. Megabyte and I left Tuesday afternoon and drove over here to Spokane, Washington for the week. I am assisting in a Valcom IP paging installation.

Next week, I leave the RV in Montana again while I fly to Tuscaloosa Alabama to attend all-day meetings. Then I'll fly back to Great Falls and wrap things up there and drive the rig down to Tuscaloosa to kick that job off.

I should be in Tuscaloosa for the Summer anyway.

Megabyte isn't doing too well. His pain level must be excruciating. He cries a lot. That is so unusual for him, he has the patience and temperance of a Saint. It makes me frantic and sad to hear him cry - but he always smiles and wags his tail when he sees me. I know his time is coming, I just can't stand the thought of losing him.

I'm in a fancy hotel here in Spokane - an office suite. The television is like 55 inches or so. I actually ran myself a bubble bath and took my time shaving my legs. I've only had the TV on the music channel, so it's not like I watch the thing. This is the most money I've ever spent on a hotel - the boss made my reservations - so I'm just luxuriating in it while it lasts. I know I wouldn't have chosen such fancy accommodations. But I have to admit - it is nice.

I have so much reading to do. The RCDD exam is on July 11th, so I have to read the TDMM - which is HUGE (I've read it before). I'm studying to take the PMP test (unscheduled as yet), I'm reading the TSIP for the CITS projects, the Valcom IP solutions manual, and I'm going to receive the SOW for the VA project in Tuscaloosa.
Most of the stuff I'm reading is fat with redundant paragraphs and unnecessarily wordy and boring. I'm just going to have to suck it up and get it over with. It's a good thing I'm a fast reader - I bet I'm looking at 3000 pages or so that I have to absorb in little more than a month. Yeah, over a hundred pages a day need to be read in order to get it all done...
On top of my regularly-scheduled work.

I'm going to have to buy a nice professional outfit of clothes for the meetings in Tuscaloosa. Unfortunately, I'm a freakin' retard when it comes to style. (sigh...)

It's 6:40 a.m. and I need to curl my hair and get going to work. You have a great day.
Mwah.
MsAmber

Great Falls Montana

Sorry, I've been remiss.

I've been in Great Falls Montana for two weeks now. The snow attacked me first when I came through Billings. I had 200 hairy, scary miles, towing the RV through blizzard-like conditions. Then the weather cleared up nicely for a couple of days - made me think of Spring. It has snowed off-and-on every other day. Yesterday I woke to 6 inches of snow and ice on the truck, today it's nearly 60 degrees and all the snow is melting.

My brother got into an ATV accident and broke his left scapula and cracked his skull in a couple of places. He's in a lot of pain right now, but he's out of the hospital. It's had me worrying a bit for the past week.

The site-survey is coming along just fine. We've hit the 40% milestone.
Boss asked if I'd like to relocate to the Northwest. Washington State, actually. I'm initially intrigued; but a little hesitant because I don't know if he's trying to change my occupational specialty. You remember I've said it before: I don't want to stop being a technician. I love working with my hands out in the field.

We'll see.

I'm a little bit lonesome. I think it's the cooking that gets me. I try to cook for one, but I always have leftovers. I don't want a boyfriend: I want somebody to eat the extra food I prepare and tell me that it's delicious. LOL.

I keep re-playing the movie "Eat, Pray, Love". I almost feel as though I wrote it - well not ALL of it, but certain things are fundamentally familiar to my soul. The speech about being a "permeable membrane" seems like I've read it before, or wrote it before. And the "physics of the quest"... I'm sure I knew that, too. (When I was young and free, and before I developed Fear.)

Speaking of which: I've recently been a vessel to receive a few epiphanies. I know that each one may sound stupid; all I can say is: you'd have had to have been there.

"If you never go where you've never gone, you'll never see what you've never seen."
(It kinda goes with the concept that you don't even know what you don't know...)

"Do you want to Live? Do you want to Breathe? Then STOP smoking!"

"Fear is a lack of Faith."

"What's the difference between one kind of addiction and another? Nothing."

"You're hair is a direct reflection of your mind."

"You are the sculptor of your life."

Similarly, I have always held on to all kinds of souvenirs of my past. Old photographs, old letters, trinkets of people and places I've been. I'm ready to give it all up. I do not wish to look back anymore. That's my anchor; not roots set down anywhere, but that I carry my baggage around: ready to whip it out at any occasion to reinforce my feelings of regret and self-loathing.
Where should I put the trunk-full of History?

I'm doing laundry now, so you have a great day.
MsAmber



...Chew on that awhile.

Have a great day.
MsAmber

Megabyte Update.

6 weeks ago, Megabyte was playing in the snow in Wisconsin. We were on a road trip. He jumped in and out of the truck by himself, and romped and played like a puppy. Since we've been back to Oklahoma, he has taken a turn for the worse. It started about three weeks ago. He wouldn't jump into the truck. He got up on the side and whined to be picked up. I picked him up to put him in, and he whined like I hurt him. Also, he wouldn't get up on the bed. I felt him over and saw that he was favoring his right rear leg. So I figured he injured it.
Then he started moping and not eating or drinking. Then he quit peeing. I'd have to put the leash on and make him go to the nearest tree to pee. That was intermittent. I would come home from work in the evening and he wouldn't go, but by the following morning, he would go. Finally, he just quit peeing altogether. After he had gone 24 hours without peeing, I went into crisis mode and took him to the vet.
The vet immediately zeroed in on Meg's mouth (and bad teeth) as the culprit. Didn't feel him over, didn't take blood, didn't look at anything but his mouth. The vet gave him a shot of antibiotics and an explanation that he has sepsis from all the infection coursing through his body, and we made an appointment for dental care in 4 days.
I was starting to have my doubts about the Vet, but I was committed to having Meg's teeth pulled anyway.
Thursday morning, I took him to the vet's office and got another veterinarian. I told her of my concerns...
She drew blood and ran a full panel to see if he was healthy enough for surgery. His bloodwork came back good. She felt around his back legs and hips. She showed me his muscle atrophy in the back end and we identified that his hips are bad. She pulled his leg back and he yelped and cried. So, he is down with bad hips.
They pulled 12 teeth and clipped his toenails and sent him home that evening.
I'm giving him his pain pills and glucosamine/chondroitin for his hips, and strong antibiotics, and he's eating soft food: Bil-Jack/doggie crack.
Yesterday he was markedly better, so I only gave him his pain pill in the morning. I wanted to see if he still needed twice-daily. He is drinking and eating very well.
This morning, he enthusiastically trotted outside to go potty. Then he spun around a few times wagging his tail when I let him back in.
I gave him his pain pill and other medicines and food. He ate it all then laid down.
I was just sitting here watching him, when he farted. He startled himself so he looked around, then got up and moved. A few minutes later, he farted again. So he jumped up and moved away from it again. I'm laughing hard at this point.
He feels good enough to run from his own farts.
I'm thrilled that he feels good enough to get up and move around. I was really worried that I was seeing the last days of his life, but he is doing wonderfully.
So, $489 later, my dog is on his way back to being his happy self again.
It was definitely worth it.

Have a great day.
MsAmber

Finally, the sun shines.

The sun is shining in my front door this morning. It's not warm yet, but the wind isn't blowing.

I'm working from home this week. I'm too much of a distraction at the office. I have room to spread out, listen to music and dance around the table while I work on these blueprints. I get more done this way, and the coffeepot is just steps away. Still, I'm bored out of my gourd. I can't wait for one of my projects to kick off.

I know. I should be content to have a job, and I should be grateful for the slow period so I can slow down. But I live for the excitement, I feel stir-crazy just sitting. Patience... It will happen soon enough.

I've bought back my power washer. I had to sell it to a friend last January when I came up a little short on money. I just bought it back. That's a relief. I didn't want to lose it.

I packed up the boyfriend and sent him down the road a couple weeks ago. He was costing me too much, and inconveniencing my little world. He was a good guy and he tried real hard, but I'm just too set in my ways to have a lot of patience with someone who doesn't share my values.

I switched banks, which I'm sure I told you. Best decision I've ever made. I'm totally smitten with my new account manager: even if she is a GIRL!

I've been taking vitamin B12 and Vitamin C supplements, and I went to my Dr. and asked to be put back on Cymbalta. I'm eating Activia yogurt once a day. I'm only 10 pounds over my perfect weight of 137. Made an appointment for next week for my well-woman exam. I've just about kicked the blues that have been weighing me down for three months now.

I've visited all my girls over the past couple of weeks. Made some one-on-one time for them and had some good conversations. Went and visited with Rob and we had a nice time with our usual banter. He's part of the reason I asked to be put back on Cymbalta - he feels pretty strongly about it. Besides what I already feel about myself, I trust that he knows me as well as anyone.

So, I've taken control over my house, finances, health (mental and physical), and the sun is shining today.

Have a great day.
MsAmber

Back in Oklahoma

I've been back in Oklahoma for a couple of weeks. The snow followed me down from Wisconsin and wreaked havoc on Oklahoma. Four inches here and you'd think the world came to an end. There were wrecks, and closed roads, and they nearly shut down the entire city over it. It was actually kinda funny.

I finally changed banks. Well, I didn't close my old account yet, but I opened a new checking account. I'll get the direct deposit working and make sure the bill-pay is working correctly, THEN I'll put my old bank on notice. My old bank was a pain-in-the-you-know-what. No solutions; just obstacles. With my new bank I actually have a personal relationship with an account manager! Woo Hoo! She is empowered to handle all my banking needs. This is so cool, why didn't I do this sooner? AND, and... She spelled my name correctly the first time, and continued to spell my full name correctly every time. YES! She didn't ask the same questions over and over and make me repeat silly stuff like my phone number and address. She was PROFESSIONAL!
I know, I'm so easily impressed.
I guess I'm annoyed by dumb people who have some semblance of authority over me. Like an illiterate banker, or robot-people at my cell-phone company. People who make constant mistakes in spelling, or ask me to repeat all my information on page 2 when I already did it on page 1. When Rob and I were married and had a joint checking account, the new box of checks came in with his last name spelled correctly and MY last name spelled incorrectly... and get this: It was the SAME last name! Yeah, really! DUH!
And then... you won't believe this: I started getting junk mail with the same misspelling. The bank insisted that they do not give out our information to mailing lists, but I disagree. How else would I:
a.) start getting junk mail at a new address?
b.) have such an interesting misspelling?

I made a complaint, but they insisted that it was impossible. Privacy notice and all that... yeah right.

Anyway.
The last two weeks have found me working on the Wisconsin blueprints. I have the job designed and the materials' list (nearly done). Monday, we are putting together the 332's and submitting the design for approval. Tuesday, I get to start on Michigan's blueprints.
I really can't wait to be back on a project. Too much time at the office makes me nervous. There are some people who I can only take small doses of. 'Nuf said.

I watched "Cold Mountain" for the second time tonight. The girls used to tell me that when they saw Renee Zellweger's character "Ruby Thewes" they immediately thought of me. I didn't really pay attention to the movie the first time to see the resemblance, but this time around, I believe I do. That's cool, I'm flattered.

I'm in the middle of a little "Spring cleaning" fever right now. Getting rid of a little excess baggage...
I'll be back to myself just as soon as Spring breaks. Meanwhile, I'm crazy as a loon.

I gave the Sugar Gliders to Tayla and Junior. They are really enjoying them. Junior fell in love with them last Summer when they visited, so I asked them if they wanted them, and of course they said yes. I'm cleaning house. Better watch out. If you don't move it, I'll wash it.

I actually bought bleach and did ALL the laundry today. Sheets, curtains, quilts, rugs, even stuff that wasn't technically dirty. Have you ever spent $40 worth of quarters at a laundromat? Me neither, until today.

Well, I'm going to crawl between my freshly laundered sheets and make some snoring noises.
Goodnight.

MsAmber

...On Being Sinister.

I googled the word: Colloquialism, and it took me to an old dictionary.
Having nothing better to do; and it being one of my hobbies, I read several pages of this dictionary.

Sinister means: Left; not on the right; unlucky; inauspicious.
Sinister-handed means: left handed; unlucky.

I had heard Mother tell me that she fought with my teachers in kindergarten to NOT discourage my left-handedness. I could use whichever hand I preferred. I'm predominantly left, but some things; like scissors, I use right-handed. I'm actually quite confused with left and right, sometimes I forget which one I use for certain things. I don't think it's true ambidextrous-ness, just a natural adaptation.

Grandmother told me she was blessed with right-handed children, but when they were young she discouraged left-handedness. If one of her babies tried to use their left hand she would simply hold it and encourage them to use the right one.

I don't think I really understand why. But I'm going to have so much fun with the word sinister from now on.

I'm SINISTER! Woo Hoo!

MsAmber

Saturday in Wisconsin

This morning, I didn't make coffee so I put on my slippers and grabbed my coffee cup and headed into the lobby. I went around the first turn and slipped on the ice and nearly face-planted into the nearest snow-pile. Unfortunately, my new "I Love Lucy" coffee cup was in my hand...
You can guess the rest.

I worked on re-naming and cataloging all 465 pictures from the survey today. Took nearly all day, then I went to the restaurant next door and ate an early dinner. The baked potato was raw. The cook made another. It was raw as well.

I went to the convenience store and bought a 6 pack of Leinenkugels, returned to my room, walked Megabyte again, painted my fingernails, turned on the tv, and...

I'm watching the "I Love Lucy" marathon with a Leinenkugel in my hand and my laptop on my lap.

What a day.

MsAmber

Wisconsin fun.

Man, is it freakin' cold up here.

Megabyte and I went looking for a place to walk. All he's seen is parking lots and snowdrifts. So we went searching for a park or something. I pulled up into a park and there was a sign admonishing that dog poop spreads diseases and there is a huge fine for walking dogs without a leash. We decided to skip that place. Just seemed a little unfriendly. I drove on until I saw a turnoff for a wildlife refuge - that sounded good. I parked and Megabyte and I started to walk across a field. My leg sunk in the snow all the way up to my thighs. Megabyte sunk in above his chest. We decided that parking lots and snowdrifts are just fine. He was just as happy to get back into the truck as I was.

We started the site survey today. Seemed like everyone was a little pissy today. Except me, of course. I dunno. Maybe the guys all drank a bit too much over the weekend? I think they should all just go home. I can do this survey all by myself and be just fine - and probably more thorough.
I thought they were going to bite each other's heads off.
One guy thinks we're doing too much.
One guy thinks they're not doing enough.
One guy doesn't care either way.

I'm just having fun. I think we have enough time and access to do it all, but I'm always a little too gung-ho about everything. I would rather get chewed on for doing too much than get accused of being lazy.

Anyway. I have paperwork to do.
Have a great night.
MsAmber

Be True To Yourself

I have decided, though not surprisingly because I already knew, to simply be true to myself.

I'm not afraid to stand alone. I've done it many times. I just let myself get gun-shy of the repercussions. I've had the flame-thrower pointed at me before, and though I forget sometimes that I came through it without being scorched, the memory of the fear and the flame seems too vivid to ignore.
I remind myself that fear is simply a lack of faith.

I had a nice two-hour discussion with my old mentor, Jerry Bateman. In case some of you weren't aware, Jerry was my boss back in 1999-2001. An excellent friend, he can always be counted on to give good, if cryptic, advice. Or sometimes levity, if the situation is too complex for straightforward solution...

I have learned much from my association with him: about business, social interactions, faith, and even telecommunications! (LOL)

One of my favorite memories - I shall try to recount accurately, but I'm afraid, dear reader, that without knowledge of prior events that you may not completely understand the full impact of these lessons.

It was quite by accident that I made my acquaintance with Jerry and Ardmore Tel Comm.
I was driving through Oklahoma in my 1980 Camaro (that I had built myself), when I broke down at exit 29 on I-35. The situation was hopeless. I had come from nowhere, and I was headed to nowhere, and I had very little money to do it with.
I was towed to the Chevron station at exit 31 in Ardmore Oklahoma. The diagnosis was grim: I had spun my main and rod bearings. I had my telecom tools in the trunk, and initially I pawned them to stay at a motel while my car should be fixed. It took 4 days to understand that the car would not be repairable under my budget. So I begged a job of the Chevron station and was gladly hired, then I begged a job of the Towing Company, and was hired as the night-dispatch. So, with two jobs and a small appetite, I managed to redeem my tools from the pawn within the month. I looked around and found the only telecom interconnect company in this small town and, forgetting my previous humility, I virtually demanded that they hire me. Something in Jerry's nature found me agreeable, so he acquiesced. Then, I asked for a place to work on my car. His son, Terry, had a garage so I called my Towing Company and, sight unseen, had my car delivered to Terry's garage.
So, working three jobs I was able to buy a short-block Chevy engine and borrow the cherry-picker and engine stand, the torque wrench and other assorted tools, and I proceeded to work on my car after midnight. My schedule was too incredible to try and explain, besides, you would immediately and sensibly dismiss this as a work of fiction when you added the hours together and determine that I couldn't possibly have gone so long with only a couple hours' sleep every night. But I did, and within a week I had a running Camaro again. It only took a couple of weeks more of work to clear myself with my two other jobs and I was able to quit and devote my time to working exclusively for Jerry. I got an apartment, secured my utilities with their unreasonable deposits, and was well on my way to becoming a resident of Ardmore.
I discovered that I had a beautiful little girl for a neighbor: her name is Hailey. She immediately found a place in my heart with her neglected life, bright eyes, and endearing quirk of singing made-up songs when she thought herself alone. We became inseparable when I was home. I took to buying two of every tv dinner so that we could sit and eat matching meals together every evening. I made her my primary concern in life; I couldn't change her situation, but maybe I could ease it a little.

Through my short (but seemingly long) association with her and her family, I experienced such heartbreak and frustration that I sometimes wondered if it was worth it. Should I walk away and wash my hands of this mess? Still, my love of the child strengthened me and I persisted.
One such morning of distress, I walked into Jerry's office and plopped down into a chair across from him, teary-eyed, I detailed out for him the cause of my pain. He listened thoughtfully, and when I looked up to him for his chastisement of my silliness he opened a large file drawer and held up a handful of small pieces of paper; just a sampling of the entire drawer-full. He said: "Do you know what these are?" I said: "No, I'm sure I don't."
He told me that for 14 years he has sat at that desk, and when anyone (for he knows everyone in that small town) walks into his place-of-business and says "Jerry, I've fallen on hard times. I need...(diapers/rent/beer/etc)." Jerry would open up his wallet and see what the Lord had given him for just this occasion. He would give, and the recipient would swear that he would pay it back just as soon as... and would sign an I.O.U. which Jerry would deposit into this self-same drawer.
I was aghast to believe that none of these people had ever returned to redeem their signed I.O.U.s. Really? THAT many?
Jerry didn't seem to care that the drawer represented thousands of dollars, his disappointment was that none had the integrity to return and say: "Look, I know I owe this, but I can't pay it back right now, may I sweep the porch or paint the railings to work off my debt?"
Then, he told me what his preacher had counseled.
A proud and arrogant man would never seek out the Lord. So God lets every man fall, in this way he brings man closer to Him. When God is bringing a man down to his knees, and you stop to help him, you are actually only serving yourself. You get to go home and feel all good that you gave $5 to a beggar. In Truth: you are making yourself an enemy of God. You are interfering with HIS work, and probably prolonging the pain leading up to the inevitable reconciliation. So, as a general thought: Never help a person who is on their way DOWN, just the ones who are on their way back UP. (But always help children and the innocents.)

I had never thought of it that way before - in the decade since this was taught me, I have seen evidence that this is a truth.
Now though, since my life-experiences have TRIED to make me jaded and cynical and I still seem to refuse to believe that my fellow-man is anything other than good, my family taunts me with the curse that I am "naive".
(I have to reply that I am not NAIVE, I just have optimistic hopes.)

So, still it is my lot in life to look for the good in people and feel the acute disappointment when I find that they are not.

But that's MY lesson to learn, and it will probably take another 60 years to get firmly planted into my naturally stubborn cerebral cortex.

...we are here to learn lessons. There is no part of life that does not contain it's lessons. A lesson will be repeated until it is learned, then you may go on to the next lesson...

Have a great day.
MsAmber

Oh Dear, blog.

Gosh, I really need some moral support right now.
I feel as though I must censor myself here and NOT say what I feel, because some in my readership are far too connected with the disturbing events at hand.

There is a parable about the Talmud:

A Rabbi poses a question to his Talmud students.

Lets say you need to borrow your neighbor's lawnmower. Every time in the past, when you have asked, he has always said "Yes, certainly you may."
This particular weekend, the neighbor is on vacation and you really need to borrow the lawnmower, but asking his permission is not possible...
If you borrow the mower - is it stealing?

Most of the students said no, that it would be alright.

The Rabbi informs them that it IS INDEED stealing. According to Talmudic Law.

There have been debates for centuries over this simple concept.

Do I go along with the group? Do I keep my own hands clean and follow the moral code and thereby get the group in trouble?

Others of my acquaintance have a very self-serving view of themselves, they are self-righteous and greedy. I have been counseled many times that it is a posture of self-preservation that I need to adopt in my own life. That: "They don't care about you, you need to care about you. Get while the getting's good."

I am also systematically being disillusioned and disappointed in my current situation. I am slowly beginning to realize that "We" are the bad guys.

Oooh, how that rankles me.
I nearly cried at my latest revelation. I'm sure that I shall sleep fitfully until I can accept or find my way out of the maze.

I think I have been vague enough. I'm afraid I cannot be any more specific.
I do so want to be true, to myself, to others. I like to live transparently and have no secrets. Things such as this are like bricks to my soul.

What I wouldn't give for some wise counsel...

Goodnight.
MsAmber

I'm in Alpena, Michigan

I found a cool little motel with beachfront access to lake Huron. It appears to be frozen over, but I haven't walked to it yet to check it out.

The trip was eventful. There were off-and-on snow storms. I drove 850 miles the first day, but I had to stop and get a hotel as soon as I got into Michigan. Visibility was awful and I was getting too tired to pay the proper attention. I ran over a plastic planter in front of a gas pump... that's how I knew I should stop.
When I drove near Chicago, (or was it Detroit?) I saw a beautiful oil refinery. I know, that's not normal, but it was beautiful. It looked like a miniature Tokyo with steam venting from each chimney. I guess the lighting was just perfect, or maybe the location was remote enough that it just glowed like a little standalone city. I regret that I didn't pull over and take a picture.

Yesterday morning I dragged myself out of bed and loaded up the truck and got ready for the last 350 miles of the trip. Everything was fine until I turned North on I-196. Then, it was hair-raising. It was 11:30 a.m. and there had been a snowstorm the night before - 16 inches or so. The snowplows apparently forgot about that stretch of the Interstate. I was crunching through the snow at 24 mph for 30 whole miles. I was a little worried that I would be in those conditions all day and the last 350 miles would take 10 hours. Fortunately, the snowplows had been working on the other areas and when the road cleared up, it was easy-cheesy the rest of the way.

It still took 8 hours to drive the last 350 miles and I got here at 7 p.m.
I got all moved into my motel room. Unpacked and set up the room. I brought my ironing board and now that serves as a makeshift desk.

I think I'll find a Wal-Mart to buy a 3-prong adapter (I brought a power strip but all the outlets in the room are two prong).

Well, I gotta take a shower and get moving.
You have a great day.
MsAmber