Be True To Yourself

I have decided, though not surprisingly because I already knew, to simply be true to myself.

I'm not afraid to stand alone. I've done it many times. I just let myself get gun-shy of the repercussions. I've had the flame-thrower pointed at me before, and though I forget sometimes that I came through it without being scorched, the memory of the fear and the flame seems too vivid to ignore.
I remind myself that fear is simply a lack of faith.

I had a nice two-hour discussion with my old mentor, Jerry Bateman. In case some of you weren't aware, Jerry was my boss back in 1999-2001. An excellent friend, he can always be counted on to give good, if cryptic, advice. Or sometimes levity, if the situation is too complex for straightforward solution...

I have learned much from my association with him: about business, social interactions, faith, and even telecommunications! (LOL)

One of my favorite memories - I shall try to recount accurately, but I'm afraid, dear reader, that without knowledge of prior events that you may not completely understand the full impact of these lessons.

It was quite by accident that I made my acquaintance with Jerry and Ardmore Tel Comm.
I was driving through Oklahoma in my 1980 Camaro (that I had built myself), when I broke down at exit 29 on I-35. The situation was hopeless. I had come from nowhere, and I was headed to nowhere, and I had very little money to do it with.
I was towed to the Chevron station at exit 31 in Ardmore Oklahoma. The diagnosis was grim: I had spun my main and rod bearings. I had my telecom tools in the trunk, and initially I pawned them to stay at a motel while my car should be fixed. It took 4 days to understand that the car would not be repairable under my budget. So I begged a job of the Chevron station and was gladly hired, then I begged a job of the Towing Company, and was hired as the night-dispatch. So, with two jobs and a small appetite, I managed to redeem my tools from the pawn within the month. I looked around and found the only telecom interconnect company in this small town and, forgetting my previous humility, I virtually demanded that they hire me. Something in Jerry's nature found me agreeable, so he acquiesced. Then, I asked for a place to work on my car. His son, Terry, had a garage so I called my Towing Company and, sight unseen, had my car delivered to Terry's garage.
So, working three jobs I was able to buy a short-block Chevy engine and borrow the cherry-picker and engine stand, the torque wrench and other assorted tools, and I proceeded to work on my car after midnight. My schedule was too incredible to try and explain, besides, you would immediately and sensibly dismiss this as a work of fiction when you added the hours together and determine that I couldn't possibly have gone so long with only a couple hours' sleep every night. But I did, and within a week I had a running Camaro again. It only took a couple of weeks more of work to clear myself with my two other jobs and I was able to quit and devote my time to working exclusively for Jerry. I got an apartment, secured my utilities with their unreasonable deposits, and was well on my way to becoming a resident of Ardmore.
I discovered that I had a beautiful little girl for a neighbor: her name is Hailey. She immediately found a place in my heart with her neglected life, bright eyes, and endearing quirk of singing made-up songs when she thought herself alone. We became inseparable when I was home. I took to buying two of every tv dinner so that we could sit and eat matching meals together every evening. I made her my primary concern in life; I couldn't change her situation, but maybe I could ease it a little.

Through my short (but seemingly long) association with her and her family, I experienced such heartbreak and frustration that I sometimes wondered if it was worth it. Should I walk away and wash my hands of this mess? Still, my love of the child strengthened me and I persisted.
One such morning of distress, I walked into Jerry's office and plopped down into a chair across from him, teary-eyed, I detailed out for him the cause of my pain. He listened thoughtfully, and when I looked up to him for his chastisement of my silliness he opened a large file drawer and held up a handful of small pieces of paper; just a sampling of the entire drawer-full. He said: "Do you know what these are?" I said: "No, I'm sure I don't."
He told me that for 14 years he has sat at that desk, and when anyone (for he knows everyone in that small town) walks into his place-of-business and says "Jerry, I've fallen on hard times. I need...(diapers/rent/beer/etc)." Jerry would open up his wallet and see what the Lord had given him for just this occasion. He would give, and the recipient would swear that he would pay it back just as soon as... and would sign an I.O.U. which Jerry would deposit into this self-same drawer.
I was aghast to believe that none of these people had ever returned to redeem their signed I.O.U.s. Really? THAT many?
Jerry didn't seem to care that the drawer represented thousands of dollars, his disappointment was that none had the integrity to return and say: "Look, I know I owe this, but I can't pay it back right now, may I sweep the porch or paint the railings to work off my debt?"
Then, he told me what his preacher had counseled.
A proud and arrogant man would never seek out the Lord. So God lets every man fall, in this way he brings man closer to Him. When God is bringing a man down to his knees, and you stop to help him, you are actually only serving yourself. You get to go home and feel all good that you gave $5 to a beggar. In Truth: you are making yourself an enemy of God. You are interfering with HIS work, and probably prolonging the pain leading up to the inevitable reconciliation. So, as a general thought: Never help a person who is on their way DOWN, just the ones who are on their way back UP. (But always help children and the innocents.)

I had never thought of it that way before - in the decade since this was taught me, I have seen evidence that this is a truth.
Now though, since my life-experiences have TRIED to make me jaded and cynical and I still seem to refuse to believe that my fellow-man is anything other than good, my family taunts me with the curse that I am "naive".
(I have to reply that I am not NAIVE, I just have optimistic hopes.)

So, still it is my lot in life to look for the good in people and feel the acute disappointment when I find that they are not.

But that's MY lesson to learn, and it will probably take another 60 years to get firmly planted into my naturally stubborn cerebral cortex.

...we are here to learn lessons. There is no part of life that does not contain it's lessons. A lesson will be repeated until it is learned, then you may go on to the next lesson...

Have a great day.
MsAmber