I googled the word: Colloquialism, and it took me to an old dictionary.
Having nothing better to do; and it being one of my hobbies, I read several pages of this dictionary.
Sinister means: Left; not on the right; unlucky; inauspicious.
Sinister-handed means: left handed; unlucky.
I had heard Mother tell me that she fought with my teachers in kindergarten to NOT discourage my left-handedness. I could use whichever hand I preferred. I'm predominantly left, but some things; like scissors, I use right-handed. I'm actually quite confused with left and right, sometimes I forget which one I use for certain things. I don't think it's true ambidextrous-ness, just a natural adaptation.
Grandmother told me she was blessed with right-handed children, but when they were young she discouraged left-handedness. If one of her babies tried to use their left hand she would simply hold it and encourage them to use the right one.
I don't think I really understand why. But I'm going to have so much fun with the word sinister from now on.
I'm SINISTER! Woo Hoo!
MsAmber
Bad Poetry?
- MsAmber
- I am complex, yet simple. I am hearty and frail. I am selfish and generous. I let my emotions prevail. I want to make some sense of it. Of Life, and Love, and God. I want to bring back the simple things. I know that makes me odd. But if you'll stay and read awhile maybe you'll start to see. Then maybe I can share with you a little part of me. MsAmber
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Saturday in Wisconsin
This morning, I didn't make coffee so I put on my slippers and grabbed my coffee cup and headed into the lobby. I went around the first turn and slipped on the ice and nearly face-planted into the nearest snow-pile. Unfortunately, my new "I Love Lucy" coffee cup was in my hand...
You can guess the rest.
I worked on re-naming and cataloging all 465 pictures from the survey today. Took nearly all day, then I went to the restaurant next door and ate an early dinner. The baked potato was raw. The cook made another. It was raw as well.
I went to the convenience store and bought a 6 pack of Leinenkugels, returned to my room, walked Megabyte again, painted my fingernails, turned on the tv, and...
I'm watching the "I Love Lucy" marathon with a Leinenkugel in my hand and my laptop on my lap.
What a day.
MsAmber
You can guess the rest.
I worked on re-naming and cataloging all 465 pictures from the survey today. Took nearly all day, then I went to the restaurant next door and ate an early dinner. The baked potato was raw. The cook made another. It was raw as well.
I went to the convenience store and bought a 6 pack of Leinenkugels, returned to my room, walked Megabyte again, painted my fingernails, turned on the tv, and...
I'm watching the "I Love Lucy" marathon with a Leinenkugel in my hand and my laptop on my lap.
What a day.
MsAmber
Monday, January 24, 2011
Wisconsin fun.
Man, is it freakin' cold up here.
Megabyte and I went looking for a place to walk. All he's seen is parking lots and snowdrifts. So we went searching for a park or something. I pulled up into a park and there was a sign admonishing that dog poop spreads diseases and there is a huge fine for walking dogs without a leash. We decided to skip that place. Just seemed a little unfriendly. I drove on until I saw a turnoff for a wildlife refuge - that sounded good. I parked and Megabyte and I started to walk across a field. My leg sunk in the snow all the way up to my thighs. Megabyte sunk in above his chest. We decided that parking lots and snowdrifts are just fine. He was just as happy to get back into the truck as I was.
We started the site survey today. Seemed like everyone was a little pissy today. Except me, of course. I dunno. Maybe the guys all drank a bit too much over the weekend? I think they should all just go home. I can do this survey all by myself and be just fine - and probably more thorough.
I thought they were going to bite each other's heads off.
One guy thinks we're doing too much.
One guy thinks they're not doing enough.
One guy doesn't care either way.
I'm just having fun. I think we have enough time and access to do it all, but I'm always a little too gung-ho about everything. I would rather get chewed on for doing too much than get accused of being lazy.
Anyway. I have paperwork to do.
Have a great night.
MsAmber
Megabyte and I went looking for a place to walk. All he's seen is parking lots and snowdrifts. So we went searching for a park or something. I pulled up into a park and there was a sign admonishing that dog poop spreads diseases and there is a huge fine for walking dogs without a leash. We decided to skip that place. Just seemed a little unfriendly. I drove on until I saw a turnoff for a wildlife refuge - that sounded good. I parked and Megabyte and I started to walk across a field. My leg sunk in the snow all the way up to my thighs. Megabyte sunk in above his chest. We decided that parking lots and snowdrifts are just fine. He was just as happy to get back into the truck as I was.
We started the site survey today. Seemed like everyone was a little pissy today. Except me, of course. I dunno. Maybe the guys all drank a bit too much over the weekend? I think they should all just go home. I can do this survey all by myself and be just fine - and probably more thorough.
I thought they were going to bite each other's heads off.
One guy thinks we're doing too much.
One guy thinks they're not doing enough.
One guy doesn't care either way.
I'm just having fun. I think we have enough time and access to do it all, but I'm always a little too gung-ho about everything. I would rather get chewed on for doing too much than get accused of being lazy.
Anyway. I have paperwork to do.
Have a great night.
MsAmber
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Be True To Yourself
I have decided, though not surprisingly because I already knew, to simply be true to myself.
I'm not afraid to stand alone. I've done it many times. I just let myself get gun-shy of the repercussions. I've had the flame-thrower pointed at me before, and though I forget sometimes that I came through it without being scorched, the memory of the fear and the flame seems too vivid to ignore.
I remind myself that fear is simply a lack of faith.
I had a nice two-hour discussion with my old mentor, Jerry Bateman. In case some of you weren't aware, Jerry was my boss back in 1999-2001. An excellent friend, he can always be counted on to give good, if cryptic, advice. Or sometimes levity, if the situation is too complex for straightforward solution...
I have learned much from my association with him: about business, social interactions, faith, and even telecommunications! (LOL)
One of my favorite memories - I shall try to recount accurately, but I'm afraid, dear reader, that without knowledge of prior events that you may not completely understand the full impact of these lessons.
It was quite by accident that I made my acquaintance with Jerry and Ardmore Tel Comm.
I was driving through Oklahoma in my 1980 Camaro (that I had built myself), when I broke down at exit 29 on I-35. The situation was hopeless. I had come from nowhere, and I was headed to nowhere, and I had very little money to do it with.
I was towed to the Chevron station at exit 31 in Ardmore Oklahoma. The diagnosis was grim: I had spun my main and rod bearings. I had my telecom tools in the trunk, and initially I pawned them to stay at a motel while my car should be fixed. It took 4 days to understand that the car would not be repairable under my budget. So I begged a job of the Chevron station and was gladly hired, then I begged a job of the Towing Company, and was hired as the night-dispatch. So, with two jobs and a small appetite, I managed to redeem my tools from the pawn within the month. I looked around and found the only telecom interconnect company in this small town and, forgetting my previous humility, I virtually demanded that they hire me. Something in Jerry's nature found me agreeable, so he acquiesced. Then, I asked for a place to work on my car. His son, Terry, had a garage so I called my Towing Company and, sight unseen, had my car delivered to Terry's garage.
So, working three jobs I was able to buy a short-block Chevy engine and borrow the cherry-picker and engine stand, the torque wrench and other assorted tools, and I proceeded to work on my car after midnight. My schedule was too incredible to try and explain, besides, you would immediately and sensibly dismiss this as a work of fiction when you added the hours together and determine that I couldn't possibly have gone so long with only a couple hours' sleep every night. But I did, and within a week I had a running Camaro again. It only took a couple of weeks more of work to clear myself with my two other jobs and I was able to quit and devote my time to working exclusively for Jerry. I got an apartment, secured my utilities with their unreasonable deposits, and was well on my way to becoming a resident of Ardmore.
I discovered that I had a beautiful little girl for a neighbor: her name is Hailey. She immediately found a place in my heart with her neglected life, bright eyes, and endearing quirk of singing made-up songs when she thought herself alone. We became inseparable when I was home. I took to buying two of every tv dinner so that we could sit and eat matching meals together every evening. I made her my primary concern in life; I couldn't change her situation, but maybe I could ease it a little.
Through my short (but seemingly long) association with her and her family, I experienced such heartbreak and frustration that I sometimes wondered if it was worth it. Should I walk away and wash my hands of this mess? Still, my love of the child strengthened me and I persisted.
One such morning of distress, I walked into Jerry's office and plopped down into a chair across from him, teary-eyed, I detailed out for him the cause of my pain. He listened thoughtfully, and when I looked up to him for his chastisement of my silliness he opened a large file drawer and held up a handful of small pieces of paper; just a sampling of the entire drawer-full. He said: "Do you know what these are?" I said: "No, I'm sure I don't."
He told me that for 14 years he has sat at that desk, and when anyone (for he knows everyone in that small town) walks into his place-of-business and says "Jerry, I've fallen on hard times. I need...(diapers/rent/beer/etc)." Jerry would open up his wallet and see what the Lord had given him for just this occasion. He would give, and the recipient would swear that he would pay it back just as soon as... and would sign an I.O.U. which Jerry would deposit into this self-same drawer.
I was aghast to believe that none of these people had ever returned to redeem their signed I.O.U.s. Really? THAT many?
Jerry didn't seem to care that the drawer represented thousands of dollars, his disappointment was that none had the integrity to return and say: "Look, I know I owe this, but I can't pay it back right now, may I sweep the porch or paint the railings to work off my debt?"
Then, he told me what his preacher had counseled.
A proud and arrogant man would never seek out the Lord. So God lets every man fall, in this way he brings man closer to Him. When God is bringing a man down to his knees, and you stop to help him, you are actually only serving yourself. You get to go home and feel all good that you gave $5 to a beggar. In Truth: you are making yourself an enemy of God. You are interfering with HIS work, and probably prolonging the pain leading up to the inevitable reconciliation. So, as a general thought: Never help a person who is on their way DOWN, just the ones who are on their way back UP. (But always help children and the innocents.)
I had never thought of it that way before - in the decade since this was taught me, I have seen evidence that this is a truth.
Now though, since my life-experiences have TRIED to make me jaded and cynical and I still seem to refuse to believe that my fellow-man is anything other than good, my family taunts me with the curse that I am "naive".
(I have to reply that I am not NAIVE, I just have optimistic hopes.)
So, still it is my lot in life to look for the good in people and feel the acute disappointment when I find that they are not.
But that's MY lesson to learn, and it will probably take another 60 years to get firmly planted into my naturally stubborn cerebral cortex.
...we are here to learn lessons. There is no part of life that does not contain it's lessons. A lesson will be repeated until it is learned, then you may go on to the next lesson...
Have a great day.
MsAmber
I'm not afraid to stand alone. I've done it many times. I just let myself get gun-shy of the repercussions. I've had the flame-thrower pointed at me before, and though I forget sometimes that I came through it without being scorched, the memory of the fear and the flame seems too vivid to ignore.
I remind myself that fear is simply a lack of faith.
I had a nice two-hour discussion with my old mentor, Jerry Bateman. In case some of you weren't aware, Jerry was my boss back in 1999-2001. An excellent friend, he can always be counted on to give good, if cryptic, advice. Or sometimes levity, if the situation is too complex for straightforward solution...
I have learned much from my association with him: about business, social interactions, faith, and even telecommunications! (LOL)
One of my favorite memories - I shall try to recount accurately, but I'm afraid, dear reader, that without knowledge of prior events that you may not completely understand the full impact of these lessons.
It was quite by accident that I made my acquaintance with Jerry and Ardmore Tel Comm.
I was driving through Oklahoma in my 1980 Camaro (that I had built myself), when I broke down at exit 29 on I-35. The situation was hopeless. I had come from nowhere, and I was headed to nowhere, and I had very little money to do it with.
I was towed to the Chevron station at exit 31 in Ardmore Oklahoma. The diagnosis was grim: I had spun my main and rod bearings. I had my telecom tools in the trunk, and initially I pawned them to stay at a motel while my car should be fixed. It took 4 days to understand that the car would not be repairable under my budget. So I begged a job of the Chevron station and was gladly hired, then I begged a job of the Towing Company, and was hired as the night-dispatch. So, with two jobs and a small appetite, I managed to redeem my tools from the pawn within the month. I looked around and found the only telecom interconnect company in this small town and, forgetting my previous humility, I virtually demanded that they hire me. Something in Jerry's nature found me agreeable, so he acquiesced. Then, I asked for a place to work on my car. His son, Terry, had a garage so I called my Towing Company and, sight unseen, had my car delivered to Terry's garage.
So, working three jobs I was able to buy a short-block Chevy engine and borrow the cherry-picker and engine stand, the torque wrench and other assorted tools, and I proceeded to work on my car after midnight. My schedule was too incredible to try and explain, besides, you would immediately and sensibly dismiss this as a work of fiction when you added the hours together and determine that I couldn't possibly have gone so long with only a couple hours' sleep every night. But I did, and within a week I had a running Camaro again. It only took a couple of weeks more of work to clear myself with my two other jobs and I was able to quit and devote my time to working exclusively for Jerry. I got an apartment, secured my utilities with their unreasonable deposits, and was well on my way to becoming a resident of Ardmore.
I discovered that I had a beautiful little girl for a neighbor: her name is Hailey. She immediately found a place in my heart with her neglected life, bright eyes, and endearing quirk of singing made-up songs when she thought herself alone. We became inseparable when I was home. I took to buying two of every tv dinner so that we could sit and eat matching meals together every evening. I made her my primary concern in life; I couldn't change her situation, but maybe I could ease it a little.
Through my short (but seemingly long) association with her and her family, I experienced such heartbreak and frustration that I sometimes wondered if it was worth it. Should I walk away and wash my hands of this mess? Still, my love of the child strengthened me and I persisted.
One such morning of distress, I walked into Jerry's office and plopped down into a chair across from him, teary-eyed, I detailed out for him the cause of my pain. He listened thoughtfully, and when I looked up to him for his chastisement of my silliness he opened a large file drawer and held up a handful of small pieces of paper; just a sampling of the entire drawer-full. He said: "Do you know what these are?" I said: "No, I'm sure I don't."
He told me that for 14 years he has sat at that desk, and when anyone (for he knows everyone in that small town) walks into his place-of-business and says "Jerry, I've fallen on hard times. I need...(diapers/rent/beer/etc)." Jerry would open up his wallet and see what the Lord had given him for just this occasion. He would give, and the recipient would swear that he would pay it back just as soon as... and would sign an I.O.U. which Jerry would deposit into this self-same drawer.
I was aghast to believe that none of these people had ever returned to redeem their signed I.O.U.s. Really? THAT many?
Jerry didn't seem to care that the drawer represented thousands of dollars, his disappointment was that none had the integrity to return and say: "Look, I know I owe this, but I can't pay it back right now, may I sweep the porch or paint the railings to work off my debt?"
Then, he told me what his preacher had counseled.
A proud and arrogant man would never seek out the Lord. So God lets every man fall, in this way he brings man closer to Him. When God is bringing a man down to his knees, and you stop to help him, you are actually only serving yourself. You get to go home and feel all good that you gave $5 to a beggar. In Truth: you are making yourself an enemy of God. You are interfering with HIS work, and probably prolonging the pain leading up to the inevitable reconciliation. So, as a general thought: Never help a person who is on their way DOWN, just the ones who are on their way back UP. (But always help children and the innocents.)
I had never thought of it that way before - in the decade since this was taught me, I have seen evidence that this is a truth.
Now though, since my life-experiences have TRIED to make me jaded and cynical and I still seem to refuse to believe that my fellow-man is anything other than good, my family taunts me with the curse that I am "naive".
(I have to reply that I am not NAIVE, I just have optimistic hopes.)
So, still it is my lot in life to look for the good in people and feel the acute disappointment when I find that they are not.
But that's MY lesson to learn, and it will probably take another 60 years to get firmly planted into my naturally stubborn cerebral cortex.
...we are here to learn lessons. There is no part of life that does not contain it's lessons. A lesson will be repeated until it is learned, then you may go on to the next lesson...
Have a great day.
MsAmber
Monday, January 17, 2011
Oh Dear, blog.
Gosh, I really need some moral support right now.
I feel as though I must censor myself here and NOT say what I feel, because some in my readership are far too connected with the disturbing events at hand.
There is a parable about the Talmud:
A Rabbi poses a question to his Talmud students.
Lets say you need to borrow your neighbor's lawnmower. Every time in the past, when you have asked, he has always said "Yes, certainly you may."
This particular weekend, the neighbor is on vacation and you really need to borrow the lawnmower, but asking his permission is not possible...
If you borrow the mower - is it stealing?
Most of the students said no, that it would be alright.
The Rabbi informs them that it IS INDEED stealing. According to Talmudic Law.
There have been debates for centuries over this simple concept.
Do I go along with the group? Do I keep my own hands clean and follow the moral code and thereby get the group in trouble?
Others of my acquaintance have a very self-serving view of themselves, they are self-righteous and greedy. I have been counseled many times that it is a posture of self-preservation that I need to adopt in my own life. That: "They don't care about you, you need to care about you. Get while the getting's good."
I am also systematically being disillusioned and disappointed in my current situation. I am slowly beginning to realize that "We" are the bad guys.
Oooh, how that rankles me.
I nearly cried at my latest revelation. I'm sure that I shall sleep fitfully until I can accept or find my way out of the maze.
I think I have been vague enough. I'm afraid I cannot be any more specific.
I do so want to be true, to myself, to others. I like to live transparently and have no secrets. Things such as this are like bricks to my soul.
What I wouldn't give for some wise counsel...
Goodnight.
MsAmber
I feel as though I must censor myself here and NOT say what I feel, because some in my readership are far too connected with the disturbing events at hand.
There is a parable about the Talmud:
A Rabbi poses a question to his Talmud students.
Lets say you need to borrow your neighbor's lawnmower. Every time in the past, when you have asked, he has always said "Yes, certainly you may."
This particular weekend, the neighbor is on vacation and you really need to borrow the lawnmower, but asking his permission is not possible...
If you borrow the mower - is it stealing?
Most of the students said no, that it would be alright.
The Rabbi informs them that it IS INDEED stealing. According to Talmudic Law.
There have been debates for centuries over this simple concept.
Do I go along with the group? Do I keep my own hands clean and follow the moral code and thereby get the group in trouble?
Others of my acquaintance have a very self-serving view of themselves, they are self-righteous and greedy. I have been counseled many times that it is a posture of self-preservation that I need to adopt in my own life. That: "They don't care about you, you need to care about you. Get while the getting's good."
I am also systematically being disillusioned and disappointed in my current situation. I am slowly beginning to realize that "We" are the bad guys.
Oooh, how that rankles me.
I nearly cried at my latest revelation. I'm sure that I shall sleep fitfully until I can accept or find my way out of the maze.
I think I have been vague enough. I'm afraid I cannot be any more specific.
I do so want to be true, to myself, to others. I like to live transparently and have no secrets. Things such as this are like bricks to my soul.
What I wouldn't give for some wise counsel...
Goodnight.
MsAmber
Sunday, January 09, 2011
I'm in Alpena, Michigan
I found a cool little motel with beachfront access to lake Huron. It appears to be frozen over, but I haven't walked to it yet to check it out.
The trip was eventful. There were off-and-on snow storms. I drove 850 miles the first day, but I had to stop and get a hotel as soon as I got into Michigan. Visibility was awful and I was getting too tired to pay the proper attention. I ran over a plastic planter in front of a gas pump... that's how I knew I should stop.
When I drove near Chicago, (or was it Detroit?) I saw a beautiful oil refinery. I know, that's not normal, but it was beautiful. It looked like a miniature Tokyo with steam venting from each chimney. I guess the lighting was just perfect, or maybe the location was remote enough that it just glowed like a little standalone city. I regret that I didn't pull over and take a picture.
Yesterday morning I dragged myself out of bed and loaded up the truck and got ready for the last 350 miles of the trip. Everything was fine until I turned North on I-196. Then, it was hair-raising. It was 11:30 a.m. and there had been a snowstorm the night before - 16 inches or so. The snowplows apparently forgot about that stretch of the Interstate. I was crunching through the snow at 24 mph for 30 whole miles. I was a little worried that I would be in those conditions all day and the last 350 miles would take 10 hours. Fortunately, the snowplows had been working on the other areas and when the road cleared up, it was easy-cheesy the rest of the way.
It still took 8 hours to drive the last 350 miles and I got here at 7 p.m.
I got all moved into my motel room. Unpacked and set up the room. I brought my ironing board and now that serves as a makeshift desk.
I think I'll find a Wal-Mart to buy a 3-prong adapter (I brought a power strip but all the outlets in the room are two prong).
Well, I gotta take a shower and get moving.
You have a great day.
MsAmber
The trip was eventful. There were off-and-on snow storms. I drove 850 miles the first day, but I had to stop and get a hotel as soon as I got into Michigan. Visibility was awful and I was getting too tired to pay the proper attention. I ran over a plastic planter in front of a gas pump... that's how I knew I should stop.
When I drove near Chicago, (or was it Detroit?) I saw a beautiful oil refinery. I know, that's not normal, but it was beautiful. It looked like a miniature Tokyo with steam venting from each chimney. I guess the lighting was just perfect, or maybe the location was remote enough that it just glowed like a little standalone city. I regret that I didn't pull over and take a picture.
Yesterday morning I dragged myself out of bed and loaded up the truck and got ready for the last 350 miles of the trip. Everything was fine until I turned North on I-196. Then, it was hair-raising. It was 11:30 a.m. and there had been a snowstorm the night before - 16 inches or so. The snowplows apparently forgot about that stretch of the Interstate. I was crunching through the snow at 24 mph for 30 whole miles. I was a little worried that I would be in those conditions all day and the last 350 miles would take 10 hours. Fortunately, the snowplows had been working on the other areas and when the road cleared up, it was easy-cheesy the rest of the way.
It still took 8 hours to drive the last 350 miles and I got here at 7 p.m.
I got all moved into my motel room. Unpacked and set up the room. I brought my ironing board and now that serves as a makeshift desk.
I think I'll find a Wal-Mart to buy a 3-prong adapter (I brought a power strip but all the outlets in the room are two prong).
Well, I gotta take a shower and get moving.
You have a great day.
MsAmber
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