I'm starting to miss him less.
At least I don't look for him 100 times a day.
I still feel a lump in my throat when I think about him.
It's been 10 days since I put my best friend to sleep.
I still want to rush home after work to let him out, then I remember he's not there.
I still look down at the floor when I get out of bed so I don't step on him, then I remember that he's not there.
I tried to manage his pain, but still he cried and whined at night, I wanted to cover my ears so I couldn't hear it, it made me so sad.
I carried him up and down the steps every day. I gave him his pain medication twice a day. I consulted and researched and obsessed over it every day.
He gave up before I did.
I know he wanted to be pain-free, but I held on to every vestige of hope that he could get better or at least be comfortable.
On Monday, May 9th, I made the appointment: carried him in and set him on the table. He put his head under my arm and leaned in to me. I may be fooling myself but I believe that he knew what we were there for. He didn't get excited or upset as he usually would in a Vet's office.
The Vet was a nice lady, she talked to us for a few minutes and we discussed things like cremation and other stuff I can't remember...
The first shot put him painlessly and blissfully to sleep, I petted him for a long time and spoke my words:
"Thank you for being my dog. Please speak kindly of me when you meet God."
Then we gave him the second shot. I held my friend until his heart stopped and his breath was still.
I couldn't cope. My heart was broken. The sobs seemed to start somewhere around my navel and travel up until they hit the lump in my throat where they burst into awful gutteral sounds. I left his shell on the table, but I knew he was gone. I ran out to the truck because I had to get away.
I miss him. Terribly.
Megabyte, buddy. I'm grateful that I knew you. I miss you. You were a damn good friend. Send some light and love my way, would ya? I'm still hurting.
Peace.
1 comment:
MsAmber
Mon Amie, Sending you blessings of light, love, healing and tender compassion during this time of bereavement. A time, that when our loved one is lost, just seems to be so very perpetual. It is as if time stands still. And what churns within us is a turmoil that is of great dissonance, and yet also a quiet sorrow, an inner yearning for one more day, one more moment. But little by little, day by day, you will begin to remember not just that he departed, but that he lived and that his life has given you so many memories too beautiful to forget. That your fondest memories of him shall be of the greatest tribute to his honour.
Though the flower withers, the seed shall remain, my dear friend.
“Life is eternal, love is immortal, and death is only a horizon; and a horizon is nothing save the limit of our sight.” For love is eternal and death cannot kill what never dies.
May your heart find shalom in the midst of your grief.
R.L.O.
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