Happy happy Thanksgiving!

Good morning everyone!
It's supposed to be a beautiful day today, and we have the Thanksgiving gathering this afternoon at 2. I'm going to see some aunts, uncles, and cousins that I haven't seen in years. I'm taking the game Pente over, just in case any of the nieces or nephews wants to play. It's simple and fairly quick.
I woke up at 5:45 because I'm all excited about today, I may even paint my fingernails.
I have been stuffed with so much food this week. I'll have to fast for a month to work it off. Deserts after every meal.

Grandma was putting together a fruit desert to take today, and I stood around to watch. She was crushing cranberries. They looked so plump and red and pretty, and I realized I've never tasted a fresh cranberry so I asked her for one.
Ewww, gross, blech, urg! Those things are awful! Not a lesson I'm going to repeat anytime soon. I can't imagine the first time somebody ate one. "Hmmm. Maybe with a little sugar?" I would have determined that they were inedible. So bitter. My Dad always liked to say: "Can you imagine the first guy to eat an egg? He saw this thing coming out of a chicken's ass and said I wonder what THAT would taste like?" Ha haaa.

I just about laughed myself silly the other night. Grandpa said he thought the ham would be good on Rye bread with mustard. I concurred. A couple of times that day he had mentioned mustard. I thought maybe he just had a craving for it. We sat down to eat: Pinto beans and rice, ham, and sweet potatoes. I saw Grandpa pour mustard all over his sweet potato and I thought to myself: "Boy, he must have some craving for mustard." My Dad saw him do it too, and he thought: "I've never put mustard on a sweet potato before, maybe I'll try it." About halfway through the meal, Grandpa exclaimed: "Goodness, I thought that Ham tasted funny until I just now realized that I've been eating sweet potato!" My Dad and I just about fell out of our chairs. I've been giggling about it ever since. From now on, I'm sure everyone will serve him mustard with his sweet potatoes.

Well, I got to get moving. Dishes to do, shower to take, makeup to paint on my face. I'm really excited about today!
Thanks for listening.
MsAmber

Is it really Wednesday already?

Stop the clock. This week is just flying by. Gosh it seems like I just got here.
I slept in until 7:20 this morning. Drank coffee in my trailer, then went into Grandma's house and drank some more. I spliced the cable on her vacuum cleaner, took a shower, now I'm back out in the trailer drinking my Red Bull and getting ready to clean it up. Gosh, I let it get so dusty-dirty in here. I've been running around all week and haven't spent any time in the trailer. The half-gallon of milk that I bought last night has a hole in the bottom, so a quart leaked out and dripped into the lunchmeat drawer. What a mess! I poured the rest into a little water jug that I usually keep and now I have to clean the refrigerator. I don't want to pour that mess into my sink-drain because I'm having to retain all my gray water while I'm here and I don't want sour milk in the tank.
I'm still having a wonderful time. It feels good to be wanted by your family.
I scored a copy of the picture of my Grandparents' wedding in 1947. What a prize!
I want to run over to the store and get a frame for it and hang it on the wall. I'll scan it in and share it with you.
Since Grandpa had his stroke, he has been working real hard to get moving again. When he stands up, he musters all his willpower to make his legs walk. He has this really endearing habit now of humming a marching tune and marches in place for a second then taking a step forward. That's how he makes himself walk. I see the consternation on his face when he makes himself start to march, like it takes a lot of patience but then he makes himself cheer up and gets to moving. I admire him so much. He marches around the house like a soldier. He doesn't give up, and he actually walks a lot. He won't be made to stay in a chair for very long. Amazingly enough, I don't see either of them popping pills. Grandfather is 86 and Grandmother is 77, they have been married for 61 1/2 years. They are both still very sharp and quick witted, no dulling of the senses or slowness of thought at all! I really have a hard time believing that they are that advanced in age. I know people who are younger by 20 - 30 years that are completely falling apart. Grandmother's neighbor is one: ready for the assisted living center.
Well, enough about that. Puts me in a sad frame of mind to think of it.
Work called but I didn't have my phone with me, I was worried so I called them first thing. Turns out they didn't pay me for 11 hours in September, so I have an extra check coming. Wonderful! I've been being extra conservative these last couple of weeks because I didn't know how much driving I would have to do, and you know that my gasoline expense just kills my budget. It took 5 tanks of gas just to get here. I still have to be extra careful, you never know if I'll be dispatched to the East Coast or something, and I need to have a little saved back for that kind of expense. But at least I don't have to worry so much about it.
Well, I need to get crackin' on this trailer, it ain't gonna clean itself no matter how much hoodoo I put on it.
Thanks for listening.
MsAmber

Another great day!

Good Morning!
Yesterday, I left out early and found a car wash. I got the truck cleaned up and went to the parts store for some power steering fluid and a window motor.
It took some time and a lot of figuring out, but I got it installed. Yay! Now I can roll my window down. I'm so happy about that. I was worried there for a while that I might not get it. It's rather complex and you have to do it by feel. You can't stick your head in and see what to do, you just have to feel around blindly. I'm so glad that's over, but now I know I could do it again if I had to.
Next, I need to address the wheel bearings on the trailer! Woo Hoo!
My aunt Susan came by to see me and we visited a while, it was great to see her again. I used to think the sun rose and set for my aunt Susan. She is so pretty, her smile just lights up the room. When she was 18 I was 8, she was frequently saddled with babysitting duty. I remember she drove a Subaru Brat, it was a little car with a little pickup truck bed in the back. We used to go take care of her horse, "Rose". She and I would secretly dip Copenhagen and spit and be the best buddies. I never had the attention of a popular, beautiful, and mysterious Teenager before, so I was totally smitten with her. I knew exactly who I wanted to be like when I grew up. Oh, she was so awesome.
Then later, my cousin Brooke came by to see me. She is 10 years younger than I. We had a great visit. I've always liked Brooke, she is Susan's daughter. Very accomplished and very self-aware. Also, beautiful like her mother. She and I looked over the wall of fame (Grandma's hallway of pictures), and Brooke started pointing out pictures and saying: "You look a lot like my Mom", or "I always thought you looked like Lindsay, she has your face-shape", and stuff like that. It made me feel good because all the Anderson girls are so pretty. I'm not a hideous witch or anything, but I always thought myself a bit too plain. It was cool to hear how my cousin perceived me.
This visit to my family is full of healing for me. I know that sounds stupid, but I've never felt this kind of love and acceptance from them before. It's as though they truly missed me, and everyone knows who I am, instead of the surprised look on their faces, I get happy smiles. Grandma told me that my pictures (on the bookshelf and on the refrigerator), weren't just put out because I was coming, they have been there all the time.
The visit with my little sister Brandy was the best one ever. I sat beside her at supper and we got to chat a little. I spent time with my nieces and nephew, the highest compliment I can say is "Those are some really cool kids". Not "They are really good kids", which they are. Or not "They are really sweet kids", which they are also. But they are really Cool kids. Such wonderful, big eyed, considerate, sincere, intelligent, funny, and happy kids. A pleasure to know. I just went camera crazy the whole time. I felt all the tension between Brandy and me just dissipate, almost palpably. We are, after all, almost strangers.
My Grandmother is a caregiver for her elderly neighbor (who is actually younger than she), and they had a little crisis yesterday. The DirecTV audio quit. I went over to have a look-see, and we reset the converter box, checked the settings on the TV, and several other little troubleshooting things and couldn't really decide what the problem was. I took over a component cable and hooked it up and disconnected the HDMI input, then changed the setting to use the component input, and voila': she had picture and sound. I told Grandma that she probably needed a new HDMI cable, that is the simplest solution, and she wouldn't have HD tv on the new component cable, but it would work just fine anyway. So I got to be the hero, even though I really did nothing. Grandma bragged about it several times, makes me feel good but kinda embarrassed.
Well, Grandma wants a recent picture of me, so I need to stop procrastinating and see about making my printer spit out a decent picture or two.
Thanks for listening.
MsAmber

Camping in Grandma's Driveway.

I'm here. I made it to Ft. Worth.
I had asked my Dad to research RV parks in the area to find one that was close to family. He talked to my grandparents about it and they all suggested that I park at Grandma's house. They used to have an RV so they wired an outlet for 30 amps and poured a concrete pad. They sold the RV years ago. Grandpa said they wouldn't charge me to park there, so I inquired about cable TV and High-speed internet. After all, that's what I get at the RV parks, right?
I really wanted to wash this truck and RV before I got here, but I couldn't find a truck wash. It's embarrassingly dirty. I'll take the truck to a carwash today and get it shined up, but now there's not much I can do about the RV. They haven't been washed since Ponca City, and that was a very dirty place!
Now I'm sure I need to re-grease my wheel bearings. I got out and let my Dad back it in and was shocked at the squeaking noise this thing makes. It was hideous, and loud.

I was talking to my Dad on the phone as he was guiding me to the right exit. It was Saturday evening at 5:00 pm and the traffic on 820 was busy and slow. I said "How can you stand this traffic?", he said "Aww. You get used to it." I said "Not me, I'm a dirt-road kind of gal."
Since I feel like the country cousin already, I'm really resisting the urge to hang the dork lights out on the camper. Welcome to Yuppie-ville, ha ha haaaa. I need to put on some over-alls, chew on a piece of hay, wear my dirty cowboy hat and go around barefoot. Where did I put that harmonica? Okay, now I'm just being facetious.

I'm really gonna have a great time. They decided to hold Thanksgiving twice. Once today, with Dad and Brenda, my sister and her family, Grandparents, Brenda's sisters and some other people. Then again on Thursday at my Aunt Susan's house with Dad and Brenda, Grandparents, and I'm not quite sure who else.
My Dad has a Pit bull named Mia. She's a sweet girl, but I can't help but worry about putting the two dogs together. The good news is that she's a girl and Meg's a boy. The bad news is that Mia could kill Meg with hardly a thought if she took a notion to. I'm probably worried for nothing. She is a sweet dog and has never shown any aggressive tendencies. It's just personal prejudice against the breed, I need to get over it. Meg has always held his own. I remember when he and Pongo got into a fight. Meg did just fine. Sometimes I wish I had gotten him neutered when he was young. I wouldn't worry so much. Anyway, we've devised that we will introduce them in the front yard with Mia on a leash, to see how they get along before we take them to the back yard (Mia's territory).
I've got to go and give Meg a bath. Can't have him smelling like a dog. Ha ha.
Have a great day.
Thanks for listening.
MsAmber

Time to Boogie!

I slept in until almost 6 this morning. I am officially on Vacation!
I'm so excited!
I need to shower, do laundry, wash the truck, gas up, refill my propane, hitch up the trailer, secure my breakables, do the dishes, and hit the road for Fort Worth.
No time to blog.
Gotta go, gotta go.

It's Friday!

The wind stopped blowing. Thank God for that. Yesterday was a bear.
I had to do some major figuring-out yesterday. We received paging equipment for this job, but it wasn't simple cut-and-dried. I had to make a chinese blueprint and expand the existing paging system by adding one zone and then extracting a subzone to send down to building 45. It was a matter of following wires to figure out what they do and where they go to make sense of it all, then repeat it. Seems pretty simple, huh? That's what I thought. I wired in the new components just like the old ones, and left the wires hanging out for the missing component. I called the office to inquire about the missing component and found out that "They don't make those anymore. Just wire it up straight." So then I had to think my way out of the box. It was quite complex, to say the least. I got it all figured out now, I guess you could say I learned a new brand of paging system that I've never gotten to play with before. The brand was Lucent/Valcom. I used to know Valcom, but I haven't had a chance to learn their new Lucent/Valcom products.
This is the stuff that makes my job fun, and the reason I love getting up in the morning. If a company could just understand that, they would know how to hang on to me. All I need is interesting work, a pat on the back now and again, and always deal straight with me, and I'll be the best employee they ever had.
I need to clean my truck out, vacuum it and wash it. I'm also out of clean clothes, which is amazing considering that I own 14 pairs of jeans. I also need to get my propane refilled, gas up the truck, top off the power steering fluid and oil. I'm anxious to get rolling again. I think maybe I'll just hit a truck wash on the road so I can get the camper washed also. That costs like $55.00 but they always do a great job.
My back aches something fierce this morning and I feel that derned sinus headache starting. I think I'll take some Advil and "run through the shower".
Thanks for listening.
MsAmber

Wow! The wind is so strong that I barely got the door open to let the dog out. It is blowing at about 30+ mph straight into the side of the trailer this morning. I really, really, really don't want to go outside. Meg didn't stay out very long. I saw him go pee on two things then he was right back at the door. Usually when it's windy, he doesn't like to be inside the trailer because it rocks.
Yesterday, we pulled a 300 pair and two innerducts into a 4" pipe between building 1 and building 7. Then we pulled 3 runs of 12 strand freedom fiber into one of the innerducts. So today the guys are going to terminate all the copper and pull a few short runs of feeder. Tomorrow they will install the paging system in building 45. As soon as they get done with those two jobs, then they (and I) can leave Amarillo. Phase two doesn't start until January. All the Ponca City crews are being freed up this week so the company has a lot of people to re-dispatch. I opted to take the next week off and go to my Dad's. The way I see it, there's no need to send me to a new job for three days before the Thanksgiving holiday weekend, and it's a lot of driving for me. I called my Dad and asked him to research an RV park in the area. I'll just spend a week in Ft. Worth and visit family, maybe do a little work on the trailer that I've been too busy to get done. I have vacation days saved up, may as well use them before I lose them.
OK, that was scary. I just heard a piercing alarm sound and I looked around for the source. The gas hot water heater couldn't kick on because the wind is blowing directly into it, so my gas leak detector went off. The wind is blowing the gas directly into the trailer and it couldn't ignite the burners. It's all ok now, but it made me jump a mile high out of my chair. I usually kick on the gas hot water heater before I shower because the electric alone makes it so I run out of hot water just as I am rinsing the conditioner out of my hair. I get a few more seconds of hot water if I turn on the gas part. The good news is: now I know the gas leak detector works! Bad news is: it brings a new meaning to the saying "run through the shower".
Ha Ha!
I really really really don't want to go outside.
Did I mention that?

Thanks for listening,
MsAmber

Wednesday already?

Good morning.
I had a lovely day yesterday. My new crew is great. First off, we unloaded the trailer to see what materials we have, then we reloaded the trailer. We did a walk through of the jobsite to see what needed to be done, then we started pulling the 300 pair. When people walked by, they would always ask "What is that?", so I answered it was a 300 pair cable. Pulling it is like wrestling an elephant. "I got it by the tail guys, now ya'll can take 'er down!" (my little joke... very little...there it goes, poof.)
We got it pulled from the end of one hallway to the end of another hallway, and fed into the idf and switchroom, through 5 firewalls. Now that was fun! We joked and laughed and worked very hard until 6:00 pm. It makes the day go faster when you really have some good work to do. I'm glad this crew is relaxed enough around me to joke and let me work with them. I was brought in as a supervisor and I had never met these guys before, sometimes that works out, other times they have had a bad experience with other supervisors and start out with a chip on their shoulders. These guys are ok.
My propane tank is empty this morning, so it's a little cool in here. I need to switch over to the other tank. That would require me to bundle up and go outside and fumble around in the windy dark to get the cover off the tanks and manually switch it over. Nope. I'll just sit here drinking my coffee and shiver, thanks. The funny part of this equation is that the tanks have an automatic switch over, but I won't use it. I keep one valve closed because I want to know when a tank is empty. I'm afraid to run out both tanks. I can be so silly sometimes. Since it's been cold, I am averaging 8 days on a tank. There really needs to be some method of checking propane levels that doesn't require me to pour a glass of warm water over the side of the tank to watch the gauge change colors. How about a re-settable flow meter on the inside? I know they hold over 7 gallons each, so if I reset it each time I fill the tank, then when it hits 7 gallons I'll know one of my tanks is empty. Gosh. Amber for President!
Actually, there is one modification I would like to make to this trailer. A battery powered red strobe light on the front. I would connect it to a temperature sensor. If it gets over 95 degrees in here, I want the light to flash and a sticker that requests the casual observer to call me. I worry about my dog during the day. I had an incident last summer where the outside breaker popped and the air-conditioner shut off. My dog was in here and the temperature soared to at least 105. Fortunately for me I took off early from work that day and went home. If I had stayed at work, my dog might have been hurt. I marched my butt up to the campground manager and chewed them out (actually, I had a hysterical meltdown). If it were my trailer's AC that caused the breaker to flip, it would have flipped inside the trailer first. When too many trailers in the park have their air conditioners on, the outside breakers usually flip. So I'm going to make sure that never happens again. I feel very fortunate that I felt compelled to go home early that day. But now I know what I need to do and I will get it done before any hot weather.
Well, I gotta run through the shower before heading to work.
Thanks for listening.
MsAmber

Tuesday, November-something, 2008

Ah, it's 4:30 a.m. on Tuesday morning. I don't have to be to work until 8. It's a little chilly outside but otherwise clear and peaceful. I'm in Amarillo, Texas. Yesterday I got up at 4, drank my coffee, unplugged from water, electricity, and sewage, and hit the road at 5. I drove down to Norman OK and arrived at 7:30. Waited around for people to show up, turned in some paperwork, and hung out until 9. As I was ready to leave, I was asked to stop off in Sayre to swap out a router in a college bookstore. I got to Sayre at noon and took care of the router, gassed up the truck, then I got a call from Danny. He left one hour after me but he was already in Amarillo. How in the world?!?
Yeah, it was pretty slow driving in the wind, but still: how did he pass me?
I pulled into Amarillo at 3:30 pm. I drove 415 miles yesterday, installed a router, set up the camper, and I was exhausted. I guess fighting the wind all day wore me out. So, like a dummy, I went to bed at 7:00 pm. Just couldn't stay awake any longer. So I started waking up around 3, looked at the clock and tried to go back to sleep, around 4 I figured it was morning enough to get up.
I made my reservations online at this KOA. I'm starting to think that I don't like KOA campgrounds all that much. The people at the Shreveport KOA weren't all that helpful so I didn't stay there. I told them I had about a month's worth of work and wanted a monthly rate, the little girl turned around and asked her supervisor who glared at me and sputtered that they "don't have long term sites". No, this place isn't that bad. It's maybe a little too manicured for my taste, but the real problem is the price. This campground is more expensive than the nice hotel I stayed at last time. My weekly rate at the hotel (with complimentary breakfast) was $189. The KOA for 6 nights is $208 with my 10% discount membership, and their cable TV is less than basic cable. No SciFi, no SPIKE TV, not even the women's channel: Oxygen. But we DO get the Weather Channel! Woo Hoo. You would think they could lower their rates during the off-season, when their little KOA diner is closed and the pool is closed, and their famous little kiddie-train isn't running...

My Dad invited me to Thanksgiving dinner in Texas this year. I always have to psych myself up for family gatherings. It's never been comfortable for me. I don't know why, I feel like a bug under a microscope. I dress up too much, or I don't dress up enough, I don't spend enough time with the women-folk, I smoke cigarettes, I stare at the children, my heart flutters and I stutter, I get nervous and say the wrong things, and usually I put both feet straight into my mouth early and I spend the duration of the gathering trying to extract them from my beet-red face. I'm much better at an outdoor beer drinking bar-b-que than I am at an indoor formal dinner. I never know if I'm supposed to be helping, I try to watch the hostess for cues, which are never straightforward (did she mean yes when she said no?). Some people dip their chips straight into the dip, some scoop a little onto their paper plate and dip from there... Yeah people, I'm a neurotic mess! Did you just figure that out?
I wish I knew how to play my guitar. I could just sit myself into a corner and lightly strum and play some appropriate little Christmas songs like background music. That way I can imagine my little "safe zone", thwart uncomfortable conversation, contribute to the ambiance, and keep myself busy and out of trouble.
Oh we can dream, can't we.
Well, I gotta hop in the shower. I still need to hitch up the box trailer full of materials and take it to the VA before anybody shows up.
Thanks for listening.
MsAmber

November 16, 2008

I've been re-dispatched. I leave here in the morning to go to Norman, OK for materials, then off to Amarillo Texas.
I was expecting to be here in Ponca City through December, so I bought $100.00 worth of straw and packed it around the camper to keep the cold out. I insulated my water line, but I'm not sure what else I can do to make this camper winter-proof yet stay road-worthy. With winter coming on, I feel the need to stock up on emergency supplies. I don't really have room to store much, but I feel compelled to do it anyway. I have my generator for electricity which I bought last year, I still need to find a 5 gallon gas can, preferably a metal jerry can so I don't have to worry about it bursting.
I have lots of little chores I need to do: I need to look at the wheel bearings on the trailer. I notice some spin-off of grease, I want to put my grubbies on them to see what condition they are in, then re-pack them in grease. (wishlist: steel wheels and new trailer tires with some awesome tread!) I checked with a welding shop and they would only charge about $135.00 to fabricate a receiver hitch to the frame rails on the back of the trailer. Then I could buy a carrier to put a bicycle, generator, or a little motorcycle back there. I recently scavenged a charcoal grill and I don't know how in the world I am going to haul it around. I don't want it in the trailer and I don't want it in the back of the truck. It appears I'm gonna have to leave it here like the previous owners did.
I took the truck to the shop on Friday, the mechanic only charged me $111.00 for the swing bearing and u-joint. That is a far sight cheaper than the quote I received in Shreveport. I was pleased.
One of the floaters in my eyes has settled exactly in the center of my vision of my left eye. It's aggravating me to no end. I have to focus off-center to read what I'm typing. I hope I haven't misspelled anything.
It's early yet. The sun hasn't peeked it's head up. The weather is supposed to be warmer today with gentler winds. I've gassed up the truck and organized the tools, and loaded up the bed. I've secured all my breakables and shampoo'd the carpet. Today will be a wrap-up, I want to be hitched up and ready to roll by bedtime tonight so I can just drink my coffee and drive away at 5:00 a.m. tomorrow.

Thanks for listening,
MsAmber

November 14, 2008

My ex-husband emailed me this morning. Said he finished a webpage and hoped I didn't mind, and he sent me the link. http://www.normanknight.com/friends/TheEnd/amber.html

I read the page, it's very nice. I really like the last song: Learn To Be Still.

I was feeling a little blue yesterday. I think I'm reverting back to my old hermit habits. I was thinking about work, and people that I know, and feelings that I want to crawl into a cave and hide for a while. I realize that the depressing nature of November in a desolate place like Ponca City may have something to do with my moods.

The turn-signal-windshield-wiper-bright-dim-cruise-control lever on my truck has broken. The windshield wipers were stuck on, so I pulled the fuse and wired in a toggle switch which I wire-tied to my steering column so that I can turn on and off the wipers. I checked at the dealership and they want $208.00 for it. I can't afford that right now, so the toggle switch will have to do for now. Then, the drivers' side window motor went out. Oh joy. I pulled the door panel and I don't see any good way to get to it. It looks like I'm gonna have to find a junkyard to get those parts.
Maybe I could just get a whole new door, this time with manual window crank. I hate electric windows. I won't do that of course, unless it has the exact same paint scheme and is in perfect condition. I certainly don't want a blue door on a brown truck.
I made an appointment to get my swing bearing replaced this morning. Maybe I'll talk with the mechanic about that stupid window motor and see what he suggests... I guess that's the joy of owning an older truck. I am determined to keep it in perfect condition, but the truck isn't being all that cooperative. I also have a power steering leak, I'm topping it off with stop-leak every other day, maybe I'll eventually get it to stop leaking until such time as I can afford it replaced also. I cleaned everything under the hood last week so that I can see where my leaks and problems are.
It really is a nice truck, and very pretty. I'm completely upside down on it now: I have 'way more into it than I could ever sell it for. My first ex-husband would never have let me do that. He was very "practical" about vehicles. I am determined to have a really nice truck, but I have to do it one paycheck at a time.
So far the tally is this:
Original purchase price: $2,750.
Brakes, drums, cylinders, brake lines, rotors turned, trailer brake module: $908.00
Weight distribution hitch: $600.00
Tires: $630.00
Bed liner, window vent covers, tailgate cap, hub centers, bug shield: $698.50
TWO (yes I said two) fuel pumps: $60.00
(The first replacement fuel pump went out after 50 miles)
Windshield: $200.00
Stereo: $325.00
Trailer light wiring harness: $18.00
Interior dress up stuff (seat cover, wheel cover, seatbelt pad, floor mats): $35.00

So, I'm up to $6,224.50 total on an '84 Chevy Silverado C20.
And that doesn't count insurance, inspection, registration, washing, waxing, oil changes, air filter, fuel filter, or the many hours of labor that I have spent on this thing.
I also outfitted it with a 2-ton floor jack, 18' jumper cables, 20' tow rope, 2 pop-up reflective cones, a nice 4-way tire tool, a road atlas, and a first-aid kit. That's usually what I do with all my vehicles, I make sure I'm prepared for emergencies and I absolutely hate bottle jacks and bumper jacks. I gotta have a floor jack.
Anyway, here's a picture of my money pit.

Thanks for listening,
MsAmber

Walking through the woods.

Megabyte and I took a walk. The woods around here are pretty trashed out. People dump their garbage out at the back end of their property, you might find old bicycles, washers, refrigerators, oil drums, and other trash. Rusted metal and busted fencing everywhere, makes me sick to my stomach. Anyway. Meg and I decided to go exploring a little patch of woods at the back side of the RV park. We climbed under a barb-wire fence and found a little horse pasture. The 7 residents of which ran to the center and huddled in fear of us, watching us warily the entire trespass. We followed the fenceline until it ended at a wash. The precipice of the wash was a dump. We wandered through all the fascinating remnants of civilization. Curiously picking up the bicycle with a banana seat, or a piece of corrugated tin to see what was underneath. I saw an antique bathtub. Not the enameled type: the cowboy style you see in movies, set in the middle of the kitchen with someone's still-booted legs dangling over the sides. It was rotted through, but it looked kinda cool. And then we heard IT. Snorting and stomping. Sounded really close. Is it a bull? Meg started to growl. I looked to the direction whence the sound came, and saw to my surprise, a big brown horse. He looked too big to be maneuvering in the undergrowth of the woods. And he looked mad! Fortunately for me, there was the big deep crevice separating him from us. I laughed to myself for being so silly to be startled by a mad horse in the woods.
Meg and I continued our wanderings, we left the horse field and went East. Still staying on the North side of the wash. I kept thinking that I would like to see a clean part of the wash where the water runs clear and there are no rusted metal impediments, so we followed along beside the stream until we saw a clean area, and a nice hard-packed slope down to the water. Meg and I crashed through the undergrowth, making a path through the branches and brambles and went down to the stream. I saw a deep pool (I always call them "natural bathtubs") in a bend, and a fallen tree that is always fun to try to walk across. Meg and I played a while, and then went across to the other side and we went up, up, up to another pasture. Well, it wasn't really a pasture, It was overgrown with tall weeds, taller than me, but there was a stomped-down spot which I imagined to be where a herd of deer sleep. We stood there for a moment when all of a sudden I felt the hair on the back of my neck stand up. We were being watched. Then I heard IT. Scraping and snorting. Uh Oh! That horse has found us. I was spooked! I whipped around and ran back to the stream, crossed it carelessly, splashing and stumbling, and then up the other side. Meg was right with me. When I finally stopped, I was laughing and gasping for air and the mud on my boots had splashed all over my blue jeans, I even had a few specks of it on my face. I looked back across the ravine to see that horse, all prickled up with his ears back and his rump up in the air and his tail high - he was trotting; high-stepping I tell you, back and forth past the trail that Meg and I had just made down to the ravine. "Whew! We made it", I said to Meg and then I laughed at myself for that whole spectacle.
I decided just to head back to the trailer for some more coffee. We walked through the back field and on to the trailer. Meg laid down on the boards outside while I poured a cup and sat down on the steps. All of a sudden Meg stood up and his hackles went up and he started growling towards the West. Oh Crap! That horse followed us out. The horse was trotting along the fenceline in the RV park. He looked excited. Meg started to go after him, but I called him back. I didn't know if the horse would try to stomp Meg, he seemed so aggressive.
The owners came and got the horse, but I don't think they've found how the horse escapes. Every morning now, the horse is in the RV park. He doesn't act aggressively now, he just grazes his way across the park. I got close enough to take this picture, and Meg will go run a big circle around him, but I'm not sure if this horse is approachable. I saw the aggression in this horse's eyes and body-language on that first day.
I'm still giggling inside. My imagination always takes over when I go exploring in the woods. The trees are always alive, the streams have bathtubs and waterfalls, every scraping noise must lead to a raccoon or a possum... My fascination. Except for the garbage, I always imagine that I am the only one who's ever seen this place.

Thanks for listening.
Later Peeps.
MsAmber

I'm Ba-ack!

The weather is a little cool this morning. I have the door open, as usual, and I put on a sweater and socks to keep me warm. For some odd reason, I hate being cooped up with closed doors and windows. Did I ever tell you guys how I dislike closed doors?
When I was growing up, we had wood heat stoves. It is necessary to keep doors open to bedrooms and other rooms that were in use, so that heat can circulate. During the winter, we would close off some rooms that didn't need heated, like the tool room. But we always made sure that our bedrooms and the bathroom doors were open. Nothing worse than a cold bathroom!
When I struck out on my own, one of the habits of city people that seemed strange to me was that they shut doors. Kids go to bed in a closed room, everybody in a house would be behind a closed door at night. That just didn't seem natural to me. It felt lonely and isolated. I can see the need to close a door for a little while for privacy, like to change clothes, or maybe to talk on the phone with your friends, but to sleep like that? Why?
I've spent a long time thinking of the pros and cons of this issue. It seems to me that people feel they are vulnerable in their sleep, so they want a closed door to give them security. But what they really need is to feel secure with their family.

Which brings me around to my personal story.

When I was real little: like maybe 6 or so, I overheard my Mother say that people who slept curled up in the fetal position were insecure. I didn't know the meaning of insecure, so I asked what that meant. The explanation given was not completely understood but I took away from that answer: "weak". Well, I never wanted to be seen as weak so I made a rule in my head that I would never be caught sleeping with my knees bent. For years and years afterwards I would wake up to know that my knees were bent, so I would straighten myself out stiff as a board and mentally chastise myself for being weak, and go back to sleep. This became my first obsession. From the time I was 6 until I was in my late 20s I had this horrible secret: sometimes my knees bend when I sleep, which MUST mean that I'm weak. No wonder my Mother hated me. She must have seen!
Well, this subconscious knowledge drove me to overcompensate. I didn't want to be weak, I wanted to be strong. I was tough. I made myself swallow pain, sometimes choking on it. I made myself endure. In the process, I also made my brother endure. Whether directly: by torturing him, or indirectly: being an older sibling, an example.
We all know what happens to a person who wants to endure. Invariably they find more and more things TO endure. The addiction to survival. I've brought about so much personal pain and upheavals just to endure them.
Now don't misunderstand: I'm not talking about physical pain-endurance, like having a boyfriend beat on me or anything. I'm too proud and hot-tempered for anything that simple, besides, I know my own mind and I have always known better than to allow a mere human to get the best of me. What I am talking about is self-sabotage causing my own disappointments. Believe me when I tell you, disappointment-pain is quite acute!
So I go around looking for people to disappoint me. I put a lot of (supposed) faith and trust into someone unworthy and wait for them to let me down, which they invariably do.

The lesson I have just spelled out for you, is actually for me. To realize, remember, and rectify. (My 3 Rs).
It seems as though I realized this lesson before, but I forget over time and have to wait until I realize it again. This time will be better.
Rule:
Stop putting so much faith and trust into others. They are merely human and subject to fail and disappoint. It's not personal.

Thanks for listening.
Later Peeps.
MsAmber