I'm Ba-ack!

The weather is a little cool this morning. I have the door open, as usual, and I put on a sweater and socks to keep me warm. For some odd reason, I hate being cooped up with closed doors and windows. Did I ever tell you guys how I dislike closed doors?
When I was growing up, we had wood heat stoves. It is necessary to keep doors open to bedrooms and other rooms that were in use, so that heat can circulate. During the winter, we would close off some rooms that didn't need heated, like the tool room. But we always made sure that our bedrooms and the bathroom doors were open. Nothing worse than a cold bathroom!
When I struck out on my own, one of the habits of city people that seemed strange to me was that they shut doors. Kids go to bed in a closed room, everybody in a house would be behind a closed door at night. That just didn't seem natural to me. It felt lonely and isolated. I can see the need to close a door for a little while for privacy, like to change clothes, or maybe to talk on the phone with your friends, but to sleep like that? Why?
I've spent a long time thinking of the pros and cons of this issue. It seems to me that people feel they are vulnerable in their sleep, so they want a closed door to give them security. But what they really need is to feel secure with their family.

Which brings me around to my personal story.

When I was real little: like maybe 6 or so, I overheard my Mother say that people who slept curled up in the fetal position were insecure. I didn't know the meaning of insecure, so I asked what that meant. The explanation given was not completely understood but I took away from that answer: "weak". Well, I never wanted to be seen as weak so I made a rule in my head that I would never be caught sleeping with my knees bent. For years and years afterwards I would wake up to know that my knees were bent, so I would straighten myself out stiff as a board and mentally chastise myself for being weak, and go back to sleep. This became my first obsession. From the time I was 6 until I was in my late 20s I had this horrible secret: sometimes my knees bend when I sleep, which MUST mean that I'm weak. No wonder my Mother hated me. She must have seen!
Well, this subconscious knowledge drove me to overcompensate. I didn't want to be weak, I wanted to be strong. I was tough. I made myself swallow pain, sometimes choking on it. I made myself endure. In the process, I also made my brother endure. Whether directly: by torturing him, or indirectly: being an older sibling, an example.
We all know what happens to a person who wants to endure. Invariably they find more and more things TO endure. The addiction to survival. I've brought about so much personal pain and upheavals just to endure them.
Now don't misunderstand: I'm not talking about physical pain-endurance, like having a boyfriend beat on me or anything. I'm too proud and hot-tempered for anything that simple, besides, I know my own mind and I have always known better than to allow a mere human to get the best of me. What I am talking about is self-sabotage causing my own disappointments. Believe me when I tell you, disappointment-pain is quite acute!
So I go around looking for people to disappoint me. I put a lot of (supposed) faith and trust into someone unworthy and wait for them to let me down, which they invariably do.

The lesson I have just spelled out for you, is actually for me. To realize, remember, and rectify. (My 3 Rs).
It seems as though I realized this lesson before, but I forget over time and have to wait until I realize it again. This time will be better.
Rule:
Stop putting so much faith and trust into others. They are merely human and subject to fail and disappoint. It's not personal.

Thanks for listening.
Later Peeps.
MsAmber