I call this blog "Wilderness Girl", because like Moses, I feel it is my destiny to wander through the wilderness for 40 years until I have learned the lessons I need. Only then will I be allowed to settle down and apply them... . .
Bad Poetry?
- MsAmber
- I am complex, yet simple. I am hearty and frail. I am selfish and generous. I let my emotions prevail. I want to make some sense of it. Of Life, and Love, and God. I want to bring back the simple things. I know that makes me odd. But if you'll stay and read awhile maybe you'll start to see. Then maybe I can share with you a little part of me. MsAmber
Friday, March 31, 2006
Yayyyy! It's Friday again!
Megabyte still has mouth ulcers after taking three antibiotics a day for the past 14 days. The sores are getting better and he can eat dogfood again, but the mystery still rolls on. I had the vet draw some blood and test him for parasites. Negative, and it cost another $45.00, but at least I tried. Dr. Azlin says it's just nerves. I have a nervous wreck of a dog with "separation anxiety". The dog can't stand for me to go to work and leave him. Maybe he thinks I'm not coming back? Vet gave me another bottle of antibiotics, and wants to see him again in another couple of weeks.
Meanwhile - I think my boss has a problem with dogs. It's very interesting, and personally embarassing. Everybody says my dogs are so well behaved. Even the assistants at the Vet's office say my dogs are good. I can take them anywhere. Well, I have permission to bring my pets to work when they have to go to the vet. The vet's office is directly across the street. I brought Brinka, the german shepherd, into work a few weeks back and she nearly bit Paul, my boss. She went off with her very commanding bark and her hackles were up. It was quite intimidating. I apologised profusely, then made Brinka lay on my office floor all day. Paul never came into my office after that. Yesterday I brought Megabyte in. He's been here before, he knows the rules. Everybody likes him, including the mailman. Well, he slipped out of my office and went down the hall. Walked right up to my boss and... Yep, you guessed it - pissed on his trash can.
I was mortified. The boss came into my office to tell me, and I was on the phone. When I finished with my call, I went to see about it and everyone was laughing. I apologised profusely and took the trash can and cleaned it with windex. But my dog is housebroken. What in the blue blazes got into him? There must be something about my boss that my dogs don't like. I swear they have never done this to anyone else. It's just downright embarassing.
I have always been confident that I can take my dogs anywhere. Now I'm not so sure.
I know most of you aren't at liberty to bring your pets to work, but it's a little more casual around here, and also it's a necessity, they wouldn't want me to take off work to go to the veterinarian. It's not inappropriate at all. But pissing under the boss' desk isn't part of the deal.
Just my luck.
I put in to take a vacation... I have the time saved up. Paul and I agreed that April 13th through the 20th would work out great. I just have two more weeks and I'm FREEEEE!
I think I'm going to manicure the lawn, shampoo the carpets, paint the front door, clean the windows, hang rain gutters at the farm, weed my flowerbeds, and enjoy some fresh air and sunshine.
I am soo looking forward to my vacation.
(and I get paid too.)
MsAmber
Thursday, March 30, 2006
Sunday, March 26, 2006
Broken Synapses
Sometimes I am unable to comprehend anything.
Friday, March 24th, I could see people talking to me, but I couldn't understand a thing. All day.
I reverted to my usual smile and nod while people were talking, and my friend Tamara shook me by my shoulders and asked me if I heard her. I find myself doing this a lot. I don't like to do it, and it is very frustrating to me.
I think some synapse in my brain just shuts off my ability to comprehend simple speech. Why? I don't know. I've called it nerve-deafness, but I can hear noise it's not like my ears shut off. I am aware of the conversation and the other noises in the room, just no comprehension.
It feels like frustration and confusion rolled up into one. I feel like I've backed up a few inches behind my eyes and I can't come back out.
The 23rd was the third anniversary of my mother's suicide. I don't think that bothers me. After work I went to a gymnastics showing for Kandelyn. I enjoyed watching the girls show their new skills. I just didn't enjoy people trying to hold a conversation with me. I came, I saw, I left as soon as was appropriate.
I was conscious of my problem, and tried to focus and pay attention and correct my malfunction, but I couldn't. It's a terrible feeling. I don't like it and I need to fix it.
Any ideas?
MsAmber
Friday, March 17, 2006
International Women's Day was March 8
International Women's Day was March 8
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
Just Stop
I would build a house up in the trees.
I would have a couple of fallow pigs for big celebrations,
and a few chickens scratching around on the ground and roosting on my porch.
A sassy little milk-goat with long horns and a big udder.
I would have one dog to guard us all, he would know his job and do it well.
I would tend to the forest and all it's creatures.
I would grow plants in containers, high up in the tree, to provide me with what the forest doesn't.
I would plant fruit bearing trees on that hill.
I would plant blackberries over there.
Wild onions down yonder.
Muscadine grapes everywhere.
Mushrooms to be found all around.
A trout stream just a short walk away.
I would share the bounty with whomever I meet.
I would wear long skirts and sweaters, and probably be barefoot.
Keep my hair in a braid, and wear buckeye necklaces.
Wash my body in cold water and call it 'invigorating'.
There would always be dirt under my nails,
and a smile on my face.
This is truly what I want. Not a passing fancy. I wouldn't miss people, television, commercialized holidays, contributing to the G.N.P., or anything like that.
I'll emerge every once-in-a-blue-moon for supplies like: a new knife, some koshering salt, brandy, iodine and antibiotic salve, strings for my guitar... But otherwise I would keep it as simple as possible.
Husband won't go for it. This isn't his idea of heaven as it is for me. He wants to always be a block away from a convenience store. Maybe he will let me go on sabbatical for a couple of weeks each Summer. I can go out to the farm and hike to the back 40 and camp out alone with the dog. It's not quite the same as I had imagined, but it's a possibility.
(sigh)
I don't like this rat race. I want everything to just stop. Let me breathe in the sunshine, let me be bored. I want to feel sleepy in the sun.
I don't want to talk to anyone but God, and I don't want to hear anyone but God.
Why are we all forced to work? Why do I have to spend $50.00 in gas per week to work 40 hours per week to get a paycheck and pay for insurance on my car, my health, and my house. Make a house payment, pay for electricity, water, sewer, garbage, telephone, cell phone, cable-tv, alarm, internet, groceries, periodicals, income tax, sales tax, property tax?
I feel trapped. I can't just decide to stop. I want to. But I won't.
This is being grown-up. It sucks.
And it goes on for years and years and years.
MsAmber
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
Monday, March 13, 2006
Poor Megabyte - The Depressed Dog
Apparently, they are closed for the day. I was really enjoying the Hold music. Some sort of symphony.
Megabyte has mouth ulcers again. He is such a nervous dog. Can't stand to be out of my sight. Doc says he has 'separation anxiety'. I brought him to work with me today, he hasn't eaten a bite, but he's content to lay on the floor next to my chair all day. He acts depressed. I wonder if dogs can be chronically depressed? If so, mine is the poster-boy for depressed dogs. He heaves a big sigh my way, and closes his eyes.
I wonder if they have doggy valiums or antidepressants? Remember the ugly dog on Spin City who was always trying to kill himself? Yeah. We keep belts and leashes and anything else that can be used away from Megabyte. He just might do it one of these days. What a miserable poor creature he is. I think he only hangs on for me. If I leave town for a couple of days, he really sinks down into the pits of despair. I was thinking about a theme song for him. "I'm So Blue Without You". I can almost imagine him singing/howling it. He is a Blue Heeler, after all.
And I thought "Blue" referred to the color of his fur.
Doc gave me a big bottle of antibiotics for him, and wants to see him again in two weeks. Poor guy is so miserable, he can't eat. I wonder why the doc doesn't test him for anything? He just looks at his mouth and gives me pills. Couldn't there be a parasite or something causing this? I hate to see Megabyte so miserable.
Anybody had any experience with a dog with mouth ulcers? I would love to hear about it.
MsAmber
Thursday, March 09, 2006
This is the first guitar I was impressed by. It's handmade by the Liberty guitar company, and it's a dobro.
For those who don't know what a dobro is: It's that sound deflector dish in the middle. This guitar has a copper front facing, chrome center, and brass trimmings. I'm guessing that is what it's made of. I really don't know for sure.
I was looking for a guitar for gift at a pawnshop, and I spotted this beauty. I put it in layaway immediately.
My brother was living in Alaska at the time, so the guitar stayed with me for 8 months before I was able to gift it to him. It has such a beautiful sound. I was sorry to see it go.
My new guitar sounds WONDERFUL. I can lighten up on it and play softly to myself, or I can strum away and make the dawgs howl. I'm really glad I bought a red one. Wonder if I can dress it up any without affecting the sound? I'm thinking of a feathered fob hanging off the head, maybe a few beads...
No, I'm really looking for a seriously beautiful strap. That's what I want.
MsAmber
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
Ok, so it's not really me, and it's not really a Vargas. But if Vargas ever DID do a painting of me, I bet it would be just like this.
When I was 14 I got a Dorchester all-in-one stereo. It had a turntable, tuner, 8-track, and cassette capabilities. It came with two bookshelf speakers. My first records were: Bernadette Peters, Barry Manilow, Kool & The Gang, and I believe: Janet Jackson's first album. The Bernadette Peters album became my very favorite. Dude, seriously.
The album cover and centerfold was a Vargas of Bernadette Peters. In the original album, she did a rendition of "This is Dedicated to the One I Love". I can remember the song, but it cannot be found anywhere. It's like the song has disappeared. I ordered the CD from a catalog and had to wait for them to specially make a copy. The CD didn't have the magnificent Vargas that was the centerfold on it; and the song I wanted isn't there.
I know I have discussed with you how it's possible that I might have a screw loose, but I cannot find nor prove that the rendition exists.
Bernadette Peters - This Is Dedicated To The One I Love
I want the album for a keepsake, and I want to hear that song again.
Please, please, anybody. If you have a clue, help me to find it.
MsAmber
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
I like my new guitar teacher.
I met my new guitar teacher tonight. A young guy who just got out of the marines. Very well spoken, and very good at fundamentals. He taught me how to hold the guitar, and how to hold the pick, and he'll teach me any style of music I want. I like him.
I'm so excited. I learned so much in 30 minutes today.
His name is Jay. I think he'll do just fine. I've enrolled for hour-long sessions, four per month, on Tuesdays at 8:00.
It's nice to have something to look forward to every week.
MsAmber
Monday, March 06, 2006
Zoloft Was Here
One of the kids I know said they got into trouble for telling their parent to shut up. He said his parents referred to me as the crazy lady. I don't know if my feelings are hurt or not. I'm sure they meant it disparagingly, but considering what fuddy-duddies they are, it's really not a big insult, but that statement hints on one of my darkest fears: that I really AM nuts.
Symptom: People tell me I've been to places that I'm sure I've never been. Doesn't even look familiar to me. This has happened many times. Too many to count. I say "Well, I must have purged it." Same with movies.
Symptom: Frequent crying. Even inappropriately. I laugh and cry at the same time.
Symptom: Panic. This is usually exhibited as uncontrollable giggling, and a very fluttering heart. Rarely hyperventilating.
Symptom: Obsessive with certain things. Spelling, for one. Misspelled words distract me.
Symptom: Nerve related hearing loss. When I am frustrated, my hearing is really bad - which frustrates me further. I get a really crappy look on my face and everybody seems to start mumbling. I say "What?" 3 million times, then I go do something like organize a drawer for peace & quiet.
I suppose these little things are pretty normal. I'm always joking around that I'll lose my memory when I'm old and be the next bag-lady character of Norman. We're looking for the perfect shopping cart now with ball-bearing wheels and hand brakes and a coffee-cup holder. Husband has promised to check up on me every once-in-a-while. (Marital Joke)
But what if I am a little over the top? How would I know?
I feel a little consolation in the fact that the kids like me.
My family is full of crazies. My whole family is on "meds" (drugs).
My Mother committed suicide on March 23, 2003.
My siblings are both certifiable loonies, and they are always trying to tell me that I need to go get "help".
Husband laughs at me and says "Yeah, but you're the GOOD kind of crazy."
These might also just be symptoms of my unique combinations of cosmic factors: Female; left handed/right brained; Scorpio and Dog; type-A; genius-level 156 IQ; mechanical & conceptual aptitude; visual learner, and Blonde.
I think I'm the nicest crazy person around.
One more thing: I made peace with one of the mothers whom I had given up on 1 year ago. We aren't friends by any stretch, but at least we got over the hump of animosity.
MsAmber
Saturday, March 04, 2006
Looks Like I've Been Tagged
I've been tagged, and it appears to be a pretty strange meme.
Black and White or Colour; how do you prefer your movies?
Colour definitely. Closed Captioned would be nice too. If I can't read their lips, I do have a hard time understanding what's being said. Quite often, I look over at Rob and say "What did they say?" So we've started turning on the subtitles. Oh what a wonderful invention.
What is the one single subject that bores you to near-death?
Gossip. I can feel my good karma leaking out my ears when exposed to heartless gossip.
MP3s, CDs, Tapes or Records: what is your favorite medium for prerecorded music?
MP3s on a Mini-disk player. Never skips, never destructs, never had a problem with the lazer eye. I can fit hours of music on one disk. I LOVE my MD player.
You are handed one first class trip plane ticket to anywhere in the world and ten million dollars cash. All of this is yours provided that you leave and not tell anyone where you are going ? Ever. This includes family, friends, everyone. Would you take the money and ticket and run?
It's ok. Everybody knows I would be in Brazil. They would look there first. Yes, I would take the money and run off to Brazil. I can swim in the Amazon with the native children, and set myself up in a little river houseboat, and I would be happy as a clam. Oh Yeah! That's the dream.
Seriously, what do you consider the world's most pressing issue now?
As always, welfare of children. I can't believe that it's the year 2006 and we still haven't fixed this One Little Thing. Hard to believe children are starving to death daily.
How would you rectify the world's most pressing issue?
In America
Food: I would require all restaurants, as a condition of doing business, to feed any child for free, we could implement children's vouchers. This may seem harsh, but a precedent has been set with the telephone companies. As a condition of doing business, they have to provide life saving services for free to qualified people. Children should not go hungry just because their parents are spending the food stamps on crack.
The World
Food: I would assassinate any bastard who refuses shipments of food and medicine to impoverished areas. There is no reason ever for children to starve to death, and they do daily. I would 'tax' all the countries a percentage of all their food stores to distribute to areas of drought or disaster to ensure that starvation is eradicated worldwide immediately.
After I solve the food problem, then I will work on medical care, education, abuse, etc.
You are given the chance to go back and change one thing in your life; what would that be?
I would have... oh gosh, only ONE thing?
I couldn't pick one thing. I don't have a single regret. I have a bushel full.
I wouldn't have stolen pop-tarts from that handicapped guy in a wheelchair.
I'll tell ya'll about it someday.
You are given the chance to go back and change one event in world history, what would that be?
I would eliminate the holocaust. That is a big ugly black mark on our report card. AND it was only 60-something years ago. It's no wonder the MotherShip won't return to pick us up.
A night at the opera or a night at the Grand Ole' Opry? Which do you choose?
Half my life I would have chosen the Grand Ole Opry. Now, I would like to see my first real Opera.
What is the one great unsolved crime of all time you'd like to solve?
Where is Osama Bin Laden? Or Who killed JonBenet Ramsey?
One famous author can come to dinner with you. Who would that be, and what would you serve for the meal?
I would like to have Stephen King over for some short ribs, mashed potatoes with gravy, asparagus and some nanner pudding. Sweet tea to drink. I'm going to give him a piece of my mind for the last installment of "The Gunslinger". Then I'm going to act like Kathy Bates and give HIM nightmares.
You discover that John Lennon was right, that there is no hell below us, and above us there is only sky. What's the first immoral thing you might do to celebrate this fact?
I'm going to tear those tags off all my mattresses. Oh wait, that's a crime, not a sin. I'm going to eat a great big ham sandwich and wash it down with a big ol' glass of milk.
Actually, I'm going to run around saying "I told you so".
Thanks Flubberwinkle. This Meme was fun.
MsAmber