Just lonesome rambling...

I need to go do my laundry.

It's another cold rainy day here in Great Falls Montana. I just can't seem to snap myself out of this - I don't know what it is - depression? Blues? Stir-craziness with an urge to get out, but a lack of motivation to do so? I really want to pack up and leave here. I know it's just a matter of a couple of weeks before I can go, but I'm ready NOW!

I bought a 32" flat-screen television and then went to Hastings and bought some great concert DVDs. It is kinda nice to watch concerts on a bigger television. I know I didn't need a new TV, but the bigger screen is so nice to watch.

I'm ready for a new adventure. Something exciting is just around the corner, I know it. Maybe SUMMER? Sunshine? Oh gosh how I need some sunshine. This rain is so oppressive, I feel it like a mute-button on the remote control of my life. Any minute now I'll be able to bust out and laugh or scream or (something?) again. Waiting...waiting...Somebody, anybody, please unmute me!

So I called my Brother. He's cheerful, I'm happy for that. I asked him if he has a friend he'd like to hook me up with - geez, he didn't even think about it for a second - he said "Why, yes, I do." Oh goodness.

I really didn't have anything important to say, I just felt like saying something. Getting the Megabyte memorial entry off the top of the blog, maybe.
My Excedrin is kicking in, the headache has faded to a dull ache in my neck, I can live with that.

I'm listening to Neil Young - Live Rust. Actually the song is my favorite "Like a Hurricane". I'm going to start it over and crank it up.

You have a great day.
MsAmber

May 19, 2011

I'm starting to miss him less.
At least I don't look for him 100 times a day.
I still feel a lump in my throat when I think about him.
It's been 10 days since I put my best friend to sleep.

I still want to rush home after work to let him out, then I remember he's not there.
I still look down at the floor when I get out of bed so I don't step on him, then I remember that he's not there.

I tried to manage his pain, but still he cried and whined at night, I wanted to cover my ears so I couldn't hear it, it made me so sad.
I carried him up and down the steps every day. I gave him his pain medication twice a day. I consulted and researched and obsessed over it every day.
He gave up before I did.
I know he wanted to be pain-free, but I held on to every vestige of hope that he could get better or at least be comfortable.

On Monday, May 9th, I made the appointment: carried him in and set him on the table. He put his head under my arm and leaned in to me. I may be fooling myself but I believe that he knew what we were there for. He didn't get excited or upset as he usually would in a Vet's office.
The Vet was a nice lady, she talked to us for a few minutes and we discussed things like cremation and other stuff I can't remember...
The first shot put him painlessly and blissfully to sleep, I petted him for a long time and spoke my words:
"Thank you for being my dog. Please speak kindly of me when you meet God."

Then we gave him the second shot. I held my friend until his heart stopped and his breath was still.

I couldn't cope. My heart was broken. The sobs seemed to start somewhere around my navel and travel up until they hit the lump in my throat where they burst into awful gutteral sounds. I left his shell on the table, but I knew he was gone. I ran out to the truck because I had to get away.

I miss him. Terribly.

Megabyte, buddy. I'm grateful that I knew you. I miss you. You were a damn good friend. Send some light and love my way, would ya? I'm still hurting.

Peace.

Talking everybody out of the blues...

Everyone I know, just about, has called me within the last week. I've spent time, energy, attention, and words to try and talk them out of their blues.

My private little joke is to tell everyone to open up their windows and doors because they all have carbon-monoxide poisoning...

Brother is blue: He is crosswise with his pregnant fiance.
Rob is feeling blue over finances.
Tayla is feeling blue over not being pregnant.
Ellen is feeling blue and wants to come stay with me with her two babies (she imagines that my life is all rainbows and sparkles).
Joe S. calls me and seems to have a special knack for being blue.
Father has called.
Jerry has called.
Dandelion called upset because Rob made her think I was considering putting Megabyte down prematurely...

I'm feeling a little harried and bluish myself. Megabyte is really in pain and it hurts my feelings to see him hurting. That's the most pressing issue on my mind right now.

I don't mean to sound selfish or uncaring, but I don't have the energy right now to lift everyone else up. I am crying every day myself.

Megabyte can't exercise enough to work up a bowel movement, so he gets stopped up for several days. When he finally had a bm on Tuesday, he messed all over himself and I had to wash it off. It's been four days since then, and Meg hasn't had another bm yet. I know he's miserable. I just keep giving him pain pills and making him go pee twice a day and petting him often. I can't emotionally handle the misery of my best friend - even if he is just a dog. He wakes me up several times in the night with his high-pitched crying. I can't tell too much of a difference between on-the-pain-pills and off, except that he can sometimes just fake a good mood and tail wagging session, but he pays for it later.
My dog makes me want to cry all the time.

I don't have a close friend to depend on for solid, encouraging, uplifting advice.

I just feel so alone.

I wanna go home. (Where is that exactly?)

I don't know how I'm going to get past this.

MsAmber

Spokane, Washington

I left the RV in Great Falls. Megabyte and I left Tuesday afternoon and drove over here to Spokane, Washington for the week. I am assisting in a Valcom IP paging installation.

Next week, I leave the RV in Montana again while I fly to Tuscaloosa Alabama to attend all-day meetings. Then I'll fly back to Great Falls and wrap things up there and drive the rig down to Tuscaloosa to kick that job off.

I should be in Tuscaloosa for the Summer anyway.

Megabyte isn't doing too well. His pain level must be excruciating. He cries a lot. That is so unusual for him, he has the patience and temperance of a Saint. It makes me frantic and sad to hear him cry - but he always smiles and wags his tail when he sees me. I know his time is coming, I just can't stand the thought of losing him.

I'm in a fancy hotel here in Spokane - an office suite. The television is like 55 inches or so. I actually ran myself a bubble bath and took my time shaving my legs. I've only had the TV on the music channel, so it's not like I watch the thing. This is the most money I've ever spent on a hotel - the boss made my reservations - so I'm just luxuriating in it while it lasts. I know I wouldn't have chosen such fancy accommodations. But I have to admit - it is nice.

I have so much reading to do. The RCDD exam is on July 11th, so I have to read the TDMM - which is HUGE (I've read it before). I'm studying to take the PMP test (unscheduled as yet), I'm reading the TSIP for the CITS projects, the Valcom IP solutions manual, and I'm going to receive the SOW for the VA project in Tuscaloosa.
Most of the stuff I'm reading is fat with redundant paragraphs and unnecessarily wordy and boring. I'm just going to have to suck it up and get it over with. It's a good thing I'm a fast reader - I bet I'm looking at 3000 pages or so that I have to absorb in little more than a month. Yeah, over a hundred pages a day need to be read in order to get it all done...
On top of my regularly-scheduled work.

I'm going to have to buy a nice professional outfit of clothes for the meetings in Tuscaloosa. Unfortunately, I'm a freakin' retard when it comes to style. (sigh...)

It's 6:40 a.m. and I need to curl my hair and get going to work. You have a great day.
Mwah.
MsAmber