Insecurity is very unattractive...

I am dynamic, powerful, enigmatic, confident, and self-assured.

I am competent, imaginative, caring, and a good listener.

I am hard working, honest, loyal, and practical.

I am intelligent, well-read, open-minded, and adventurous.

I walk with purpose: an important destination, with a clear rhythmic heel-toe sound.

These things are Good. I should keep them.



I worry about my weight.(I'm 140)

I worry about not being feminine enough. (yeah, I work with men.)

I shop when I'm upset (Bought $300 worth of tools one night last week at 2:00 a.m., now I own two full socket sets and a dremel and a new set of diagonal cutters. Just lucky I didn't buy a power-washer.)

My "fall-in-love" thingy is broken. I break hearts with startling regularity, but not intentionally. ('nuff said.)

I chain-smoke when I'm not working. If I didn't work, I would probably smoke two packs a day.

I don't drink enough water - ever. The Most Dehydrated Person On The Planet.

I have a temper and can fire off sarcasms far too easily.

I can't forgive and forget. I may intentionally forgive, but the forget part never happens, and I have to keep reminding myself that I forgave that person. I keep revisiting a hurt and re-forgiving the person, trying to move on, but it never sticks. I need an amnesia pill. I'm holding grudges for two decades or longer.

I push people away when they get too close to my vulnerabilities. Over and over, lather, rinse, repeat.

I don't work hard enough to maintain my friendships and family relationships. I haven't even called my father for father's day last month. Thank goodness most of them know me well enough to forgive me. But still, it is just a phone-call and I still can't bring myself to do it. What's my frakkin' problem?

These things are Not Good. I should do something about them.


Is it Rosh Hashonah yet?

Have a great day.
MsAmber

My constant companion: the Headache

I know it's only been a week, but it seems like forever that I've had this stupid headache. Yesterday, I woke up feeling great. The headache was gone and I was thrilled. This morning it's back. First sip of coffee and it throbbed at me. "Knock, knock - I'm here." It's not an unbearable headache, just a nagging one. A slight tension over my right eye, until I move the wrong way or exert myself just a tad, then it thumps at me until I stop what I'm doing and let it settle down. An ever-present annoyance. It's no wonder I'm a little irritable. I feel like I want one of those little rubber hammers so I can thump it back.

So, I've been having a lot of time for personal reflection. I haven't had any huge epiphanies, just some sad realizations about myself. I'm really not that good of a person. The parallels between my Mother and myself are disappointing. I thought I had broken some chains, changed my destiny, made some better decisions. I find that my temper and impatience is very similar to hers. My famous stubbornness. Independence, and inability to forgive, and constant running, and cynicism, and seriousness. My bearing and posture. My selfishness. My chain-smoking. My solitude. My inability to trust.
God, I'm a real mess. I'm becoming what I despised.
The only REAL differences are that I never dragged children into this mess and I don't have a drug/alcohol habit.

So, from this lesson am I supposed to: Find forgiveness and compassion and understanding for my long-dead mother? Or am I supposed to take inventory of my life and make some changes so that I don't become what I hate?
Do I accept and love myself for who I am or change into the kind of person I want to be?
Forgive, Accept and Love?
Change?

I know better than to choose the path of least resistance, which would indicate that I need to change. But is that REALLY the answer?

Option number three: Distract.
This is the option I usually choose. Learn something new. Get completely involved in something else so that I can distract myself.
This is the reason for my utter absorption in my work sometimes, or the plethora of hobbies that I've undertaken, feigned interest in, then dropped.


Do I need someone to call me up and say: "You're okay."? Are these doubts about myself precipitated by negativity and a slight sensitivity to scrutiny? Maybe. I've been hit with a lot of "advice" lately.

Change subject:

It bothers me that I work for a company that has some people in it who actively hate me. They are ready to cut my throat at any opportunity. And I'm not being paranoid, I assure you. Little victories seem to keep me going, but I'm getting worn down. Part of me wonders why I'm so hated. Is it me? Then I get told (kindly) that I'm perceived as that "bitch". Which is a word I've never appreciated much. There are people who smile at me and pretend that they are on my side, but I know that they are split-tongued and the words they use are designed to plant seeds of discord in my brain; supposed to inflame me and make me actively join the fight to defend myself. I'm going to learn to dismiss all this eventually. But does it damage my self-image? Yes.

I don't think people who tell me the "latest gossip at work" are truly my friends. They are distracting me. I don't want to know. I don't want to know who is hating me, and what they are saying, and how I'm being held over the fire.
I don't need to know that somebody is drunk-dialing somebody else and starting shit about my job. I don't want to know - because it just makes me angry.

I used to say that the biggest problem with working with women is the petty jealousy. As women we need to be building each other up, not tearing each other down. Celebrate and encourage one another's victories. It's hard enough competing with the men without the women holding each other down. Now I realize that it's just as bad with the men. Those twirps are worse than an office full of women. They golf together, hunt and fish together, drunk-dial each other, all so they can further their petty agenda. How often am I the subject of that discussion?
Nope, I'm still not being paranoid. I swear it, I KNOW...

I fantasize that someday I'll snap and I'll just work like a maniac and save a bazillion dollars and buy the whole company and fire the bad guys and watch them denigrate into plumbers or sanitation workers...
Not very imaginative, I know. But still it gives me pleasure.

In reality, I believe the best revenge is to succeed. This is why I persist in the face of so much resistance. But why must I tear down every brick wall? Why can't I just go around it or turn around and go another way? Do I really only make the choices that are the hardest? Is that the right way or am I just hard-wired to always choose the toughest paths?

Okay, I've thrown down. I'll re-read all this tomorrow and think some more.

You have a great day, I'm going to work.
MsAmber

I am grumpy...

There is no particular reason for me to be grumpy. My job is going well, I'm fed and warm, I should be content.
I am never content. Why is that, do you suppose?

I went OCD on the van yesterday. Removed all the trim and pulled the seats out and removed all the carpeting. I hung it on a tree and blasted the dirt out with my hose. I only put the front carpets back in, and most of the trim. I washed the van inside and out, and re-blacked the bumper, tire-shined the tires. Re-packed the toolboxes and put them back in. I am leaving the back carpeting out for a week so that I can keep working on getting it perfectly clean. There was black mold underneath it in the back where the water leaks in. I degreased the engine and got the mouse-nests off the intake manifold. Then I wiped and shined all the black rubber hoses and the breather. The van looks brand-new under the hood and inside. I washed the outside and windexed the glass. Scraped off the little fairy stickers from the back glass.
Nothing is clean enough for me right now. I washed down the ceiling and walls in the RV the other day, hanged new curtains, organized my junk drawers... the only thing I haven't done is shampoo the carpets, but you can bet I'll get to that within the next 48 hours...

I've also just started my period. I know you are thinking: "Ah hah, that's what's wrong with her!"
I really hate that that's the only explanation for my obsessiveness. I've been feeling sick: muscle soreness and a tension headache, constipation and heartburn, sweating when it's cold, cold when it's hot, a lump under my armpit, and I've chewed a sore on my upper lip. I'd almost be willing to bet that I'm grinding my teeth in my sleep again. Somehow in my mind, I believe it will all go away if I take care of everything that's bothering me. I'm tired but I'm restless.

It also just dawned on me that I was admiring a big full moon last night.

The house is clean, I'm drinking my fourth cup of coffee. Two scented candles are lit. My paperwork is done. I'm too antsy to sit here and write any longer. I have a nagging feeling that I need to stock up and hunker down... I wonder where that comes from?

Well, I've got to go shower and get my fanny to work.
You have a great day.
MsAmber

Too bored...

I got out the dremel last night and polished all my jewelry. I sorted through all the lagniappe and threw away pieces-parts of broken jewelry and mismatched earrings. I was about to throw away an old silver filigree and coral ring that I've never gotten to shine, but since I was bored, I took the dremel to it. I'm glad I didn't toss it. It looks very nice now. Boy, a dremel tool is cool! I obsessed with it for 5 hours last night. I have a pair of earrings that I haven't worn since 1997, but since they shined up, I have them on now.

The flies around here are awful. Little biting flies. I try to get them, but they are elusive little buggers. As soon as I pick up the flyswatter, they disappear. As soon as I'm trying to concentrate on something else, they buzz my face or bite my ankles. Aargh! Freakin' flies!

I think I'm going to give up on the computer tower. It has a browser hijacker that has been evading all attempts at finding and destroying. In fact, by fixing an error, I think I've fixed the hijacker. It's working wonderfully. It opens browser pages and redirects me to advertising pages perfectly! If I ever meet the programmer...
Anyway, the point is, I'm going to force myself to work exclusively off this laptop. Vista and all. I need to set up my Outlook and VPN account for work on this thing. I will slowly and surely get all my personal files transferred over. Just waiting for a rainy day...
I need to hook this thing up to the docking station, though. I can't stand a laptop keyboard. I keep touching the stupid touchpad - I'll just be typing along and find that my cursor has jumped to the middle of the previous sentence. Also, the screen on this laptop is glossy, it reflects too much. I need to either: hook up my monitor, or black-out the room.

Well, I'm going to go sand on my cedar chest for a while. It's nice and breezy outside today. I also need to go pick up my laundry.

You have a great day.
MsAmber

Yup, still in Altus.

Okay, this is really a one-horse town.
There is nothing to do except play Bingo on Friday/Saturday nights.

I bought a Keurig coffee maker. My old one takes too damn long to serve me up a cup of coffee in the morning. It was also getting pretty kruddy inside, so I was due for a new coffeepot anyway. I'm drinking my first cup of hazelnut coffee right now.

I bought a Stevens Savage model 620 - 20 gauge shotgun. It's an old pump action that has been well taken care of. It has a poly choke 5-way on the end of the barrel. It's a very pretty little shotgun. I want to buy some shells and take it out this weekend to see how she does. I'm going to break it down and clean it tonight. I looked up the breakdown instructions, already tried it, seems very simple. It had a wooden block in the shell cartridge so that it only holds two shells. I called uncle Chuck about the gun, he has some good information, but was unable to tell me anything about the poly choke. I removed the wooden block, but when you are hunting duck, you are only allowed to have three shells in the gun. I asked why you can't just put three shells in, why do you have to put a wooden dowel in it? I suppose to make sure you never have more than three shells in the gun. That seems a little silly to me.

Anyway, I like it. Maybe I'll show it to Rob and get his take on it. Uncle Chuck suggested sawing off the barrel. Nah. I like it just the way it is. No scratches or dents - it's beautiful for a 50+ year old gun.

I'm getting pretty close to my time of the month, so I'm exceptionally irritable and easily annoyed. I've been feeling sick for three days. Back aches, neck aches, top of shoulders ache. My stomach is sticking straight out like a big fat cow (Moo!). I can't go poop. I'm covered with bug bites and bruises, and big bites WITH bruises, and bruises with bug bites. I have a sore on my top lip (actually it's from chewing on my top lip) from tweeking on caffeine. I'm cold when I should be hot and I break out in a sweat 15 minutes after I'm back in the cold air conditioning.
This is what happens when I work in an air conditioned building in the heat of the summer. I always come down sick - what? Strep? A summer cold?
Yeah, I'm feeling sorry for myself today. This is day three of feeling like crap.

I already wiped everything down with pine-sol, just in case.

Freydis is still crazier than hell. Four ounces of badass. I really need to get some pictures of her at her funniest. You should see how she looks if I wake her up in the middle of the day, she sits back on her tail and has a three-point stance with one arm sticking straight out to the side. She looks like a drunk squirrel reaching for her bottle. I feel guilty keeping her in her cage, so I let her roam too much. I have to hunt for her every morning to make sure she's okay. I've plugged all the important holes - like the center cone of my bass speaker. This morning I found her in the toaster. Now that's ruined. Good thing it was unplugged. I don't mind when I find her in a vase or behind the books on the shelf, but I kinda got spooked to think she would climb into a toaster. Talk about kid-proofing a house... have you ever had to squirrel proof? There are all kinds of little dangers lurking around. I'm glad she's not a rodent. She doesn't have the desire to chew on stuff or I'd worry myself to death.
I just hate to keep her in a cage all the time. So far it's working out okay to let her have a little freedom - I just wish she would return to her cage when I tell her to instead of having to CATCH HER!
There's slapstick if I ever saw it.

You have a great night, I have a gun to clean.

MsAmber