My constant companion: the Headache

I know it's only been a week, but it seems like forever that I've had this stupid headache. Yesterday, I woke up feeling great. The headache was gone and I was thrilled. This morning it's back. First sip of coffee and it throbbed at me. "Knock, knock - I'm here." It's not an unbearable headache, just a nagging one. A slight tension over my right eye, until I move the wrong way or exert myself just a tad, then it thumps at me until I stop what I'm doing and let it settle down. An ever-present annoyance. It's no wonder I'm a little irritable. I feel like I want one of those little rubber hammers so I can thump it back.

So, I've been having a lot of time for personal reflection. I haven't had any huge epiphanies, just some sad realizations about myself. I'm really not that good of a person. The parallels between my Mother and myself are disappointing. I thought I had broken some chains, changed my destiny, made some better decisions. I find that my temper and impatience is very similar to hers. My famous stubbornness. Independence, and inability to forgive, and constant running, and cynicism, and seriousness. My bearing and posture. My selfishness. My chain-smoking. My solitude. My inability to trust.
God, I'm a real mess. I'm becoming what I despised.
The only REAL differences are that I never dragged children into this mess and I don't have a drug/alcohol habit.

So, from this lesson am I supposed to: Find forgiveness and compassion and understanding for my long-dead mother? Or am I supposed to take inventory of my life and make some changes so that I don't become what I hate?
Do I accept and love myself for who I am or change into the kind of person I want to be?
Forgive, Accept and Love?
Change?

I know better than to choose the path of least resistance, which would indicate that I need to change. But is that REALLY the answer?

Option number three: Distract.
This is the option I usually choose. Learn something new. Get completely involved in something else so that I can distract myself.
This is the reason for my utter absorption in my work sometimes, or the plethora of hobbies that I've undertaken, feigned interest in, then dropped.


Do I need someone to call me up and say: "You're okay."? Are these doubts about myself precipitated by negativity and a slight sensitivity to scrutiny? Maybe. I've been hit with a lot of "advice" lately.

Change subject:

It bothers me that I work for a company that has some people in it who actively hate me. They are ready to cut my throat at any opportunity. And I'm not being paranoid, I assure you. Little victories seem to keep me going, but I'm getting worn down. Part of me wonders why I'm so hated. Is it me? Then I get told (kindly) that I'm perceived as that "bitch". Which is a word I've never appreciated much. There are people who smile at me and pretend that they are on my side, but I know that they are split-tongued and the words they use are designed to plant seeds of discord in my brain; supposed to inflame me and make me actively join the fight to defend myself. I'm going to learn to dismiss all this eventually. But does it damage my self-image? Yes.

I don't think people who tell me the "latest gossip at work" are truly my friends. They are distracting me. I don't want to know. I don't want to know who is hating me, and what they are saying, and how I'm being held over the fire.
I don't need to know that somebody is drunk-dialing somebody else and starting shit about my job. I don't want to know - because it just makes me angry.

I used to say that the biggest problem with working with women is the petty jealousy. As women we need to be building each other up, not tearing each other down. Celebrate and encourage one another's victories. It's hard enough competing with the men without the women holding each other down. Now I realize that it's just as bad with the men. Those twirps are worse than an office full of women. They golf together, hunt and fish together, drunk-dial each other, all so they can further their petty agenda. How often am I the subject of that discussion?
Nope, I'm still not being paranoid. I swear it, I KNOW...

I fantasize that someday I'll snap and I'll just work like a maniac and save a bazillion dollars and buy the whole company and fire the bad guys and watch them denigrate into plumbers or sanitation workers...
Not very imaginative, I know. But still it gives me pleasure.

In reality, I believe the best revenge is to succeed. This is why I persist in the face of so much resistance. But why must I tear down every brick wall? Why can't I just go around it or turn around and go another way? Do I really only make the choices that are the hardest? Is that the right way or am I just hard-wired to always choose the toughest paths?

Okay, I've thrown down. I'll re-read all this tomorrow and think some more.

You have a great day, I'm going to work.
MsAmber