Blocked at every turn...

Something inside me keeps whispering: "It isn't meant to happen, don't force it."

Is it a shortcoming of mine that I consistently impose my own desires and ambitions in spite of resistance? Or possibly because of it?

Do you know what makes a beaver build a dam? The sound of trickling water. Yes, the sound of trickling water triggers something in a beaver's brain to stop the sound, it drives them crazy so to speak. In the same way that I feel the compulsion to open every door and tear down every brick wall that stands in my way. The problem is: the brick wall may have been put there to guide me in another direction. Instead of turning my course to go around it, I have to stop and break it down. I didn't know for sure that I wanted to go in that direction until I saw the obstacle, and even after conquering the obstacle, I still didn't know if that was the direction I wanted to go, but I commit anyway.

I'm not sure that I'm explaining myself concisely so let me tell you about the past week.

I went to the Army recruiters and started the paperwork to join the Army. I needed some information from a previous employer so I called Trans-Tel. I spoke briefly with the VP and he asked what I was doing. I told him that I had been struggling to find work so I was considering joining the Army. He said that he may have work for me so give him a few minutes to call Mark Sorrells and he will call me back. He called back a few minutes later and said that he spoke with Mark who is good with my return to Trans-Tel, that there is work for me and asked me to call Mark that evening. (Mark and I have a past: he never wanted to hire me in the first place - back in 2003) I called Mark that evening and he said his phone was about to die, he would call me back when he got it plugged in. He never called back. I tried him at 7:00 am the next morning, 6:00 pm the next evening, 7:00 am again, 6:10 pm again, and then at noon on the fourth day he finally answered. He said he already had Mike Wright slated for the Charleston job and he didn't need me, that he may call me if something comes up. Then he feigned anger that the VP said there was work for me and told me that he is going to "have a talk" with the VP and he would call me back afterwards. I didn't hear from him all day Friday, so I drove up to Norman to be in the office for Monday morning. I wanted to find out what's really going on up there.

I was received warmly enough, saw some old friends, gave Megabyte to Rob to keep for me, (whether I go on the road or join the Army I needed to put Meg in a good home), and attempted to figure out what's going on at Trans-Tel with regards to me. I honestly don't know... Rusty Nail is there as a recruiter and he seemed receptive enough until he talked to Mark, then: Brick Wall. The feeling of being shut-out was tangible. I can't explain it any better than that but you can just tell when things are changed but no-one wants to speak it.

I called this morning and spoke to Rusty, he said he will talk to Mark Sorrells this evening and call me back when he knows something.

I have the ASFAB test this evening, I'm still pursuing the Army. I turned in all my records and aliases and divorce certificates, filled out the SF86 background check information, ad nauseum. I've been studying some of the little things that I've forgotten: like how to calculate a hypotenuse; order to solve algebraic equations (pemdas - thanks Kandelyn); looked over the first 500 prime numbers; looked for a formula to find a damn prime number (no formula really exists); and other little trivia stuffs that I may need.

I have always wanted to go into the military and it turns out that I'm too old now for the Navy or Air Force. I'm still age eligible for the Army, I just need to pass the physical and get a waiver for the new rule that GED's are only accepted with 15 college credits. I'm hopeful there. If they accept me: GREAT. If they don't: at least I gave it a shot. I would always wonder "What if...?" if I never tried at all.

Meanwhile, I still have a boat to float here. I need a couple hundred more dollars to pay up my July bills, then the clock starts all over. Yay. So much fun.

When I was driving back to Louisiana from Oklahoma (with no radio or air conditioning), I had plenty of time to think. The more I thought about things clearly, my spirits began to rise: I had all kinds of ideas on how to get a job, and speeches prepared for companies I've applied to who won't call me back
and I was psyched up and ready to kick some proverbial ass! Then when I got here, I deflated. It's like this place is so depressing that it knocks the wind right out of your sails. Crazy, right? Where's that indomitable spirit that I was carrying with me all the way down?

I don't get it.
So, am I forcing things to happen that aren't MEANT to happen?
I am a queer duck sometimes.

Have a great day. I've got swampwater in the sink that I have to take care of.
MsAmber