Bad Poetry?
- MsAmber
- I am complex, yet simple. I am hearty and frail. I am selfish and generous. I let my emotions prevail. I want to make some sense of it. Of Life, and Love, and God. I want to bring back the simple things. I know that makes me odd. But if you'll stay and read awhile maybe you'll start to see. Then maybe I can share with you a little part of me. MsAmber
Sunday, December 02, 2012
Amnesia pill
I'm not insecure. Never really have been. I mean, I have my moments of doubt - wondering if I'm too far gone for a real relationship, but it's only temporary. I know that I'm kind, independent, fair-looking, competent, generous, adventurous, funny, bold, intelligent, loyal, etc.
What the real problem seems to be is that I don't feel love. I don't trust - anyone. Even those who DO love me, can't get me to see it.
I am subject to temporary infatuations. They usually last about 18 months, then it's over.
I'm sure that it has much to do with my childhood and being betrayed by those who were supposed to love and nurture me, broke my ability to trust. How do you get that back? And don't tell me to go see a shrink, a shrink would just make me re-hash all the memories I've tried so hard to put behind me. I'm not looking to dust off all the bad things in my life and re-live them. I'm looking for an amnesia pill. Make me forget so that I can see the rainbows and flowers again.
It's the last thing I need to do for myself. Learn to trust.
How do you learn to trust?
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2 comments:
Infatuation by design will always have a stopping point. By nature it is a feeling of over-the-top extravagant passion for another. It is quite an enthralling illusion. It is very easy to be swept away by it. Daydreaming about the potential of romantic love, thinking this is the one. Building dreams and expectations then projecting those thoughts and emotions upon your “crush” without any real evaluation of proper judgment of what’s actually going on.
Past experiences, heartbreaks, betrayal, etc. most often teaches us to distrust. We incorporate it into our defense mechanisms and adapt it into a coping skill. However disserving and self-defeating it may be, we somehow think we are protecting ourselves and are in control. This too is an illusion, and does not serve us very well.
I validate the reason behind it however. Children have a need to be taken care of. And often they take on responsibility for the abuse that they receive. So therefore as a by-product of taking the blame, we tend to, mostly unconsciously, distrust our own thinking.
The leftover effects of childhood trauma, make us feel the need to hide our prior victimization from others. This wall can be very hard to remove.
Rehash or Re-evaluate? No shrinks? Ok, but it is emotionally counter-productive to repress those things. You don’t have to relive them, but you do need to find the new perspective and attitude toward them. This can only be done by talking about it. Funny thing… “I want to learn how to trust people, but I don’t want to have to trust a shrink enough to talk about it.”
The fact of the matter is trust always has some level of risk. It is up to you to take the risk. Obviously, the risk is determined by how well you know the other person. You have acknowledge there are those who Do love and care for you. Where does the distrust stem? Something in their character? A hidden fear from within? Perhaps of hurt or betrayal? Really, you can only trust a person to be who they congruently are. A healthy trust comes gradually. If you think about it, the ones in your life that you can trust are the ones who have given you that time. (L.W. keep coming to mind)
Bottom-line, You are responsible for learning how to address your own emotional needs. Don’t depend on someone else to fulfill that aspect of emotional need and Trust in Yourself that you’ll be ok, even if someone hurts you or betrays you.
Trust Me! You can do it!
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