A lot of small personal frustrations built up: I've gained 35 pounds and my husband is mad about it, this has caused a couple of nice little fights. He told me in the beginning that he doesn't like fat chicks. Well, I became one. I'm undecided whether to be mad at him for being shallow, or mad at myself for losing control. Situationally, it was bound to happen when I took a desk job and didn't cut back on my caloric intake. I was used to working outside, and genetics are against me in that way. Even at 170 pounds, I'm still the smallest person in my entire family. That's no excuse, mind you, that's just the way the cookie crumbles. (mmm, crumbled cookies...)
Emotionally I'm a wreck. Rob dismissed our plans for adopting a child. We didn't even discuss it, it just came up in conversation with friends and that's how I found out that the plans were off. Yeah, maybe I'm just being unrealistic, the adoption would have cost a lot of money that we don't have, but dammit now I'm in mourning over a child I never had.
Yeah, my antidepressants were changed again. No more Wellbutrin or Zoloft. Now I'm taking Lexapro.
When I look in a mirror, it's not me I see. I see a big old puffy faced double-chinned old hag. It seems as though my self-image has taken a nose-dive. I want to go to sleep forever and block it all out. If you knew me you would see how strange this is. I am usually such a funny girl who never has time to sleep.
The office manager at my work has been particularly abusive towards me lately. I don't like being screamed at. The boss asked me if there was anything wrong because I don't seem myself. I mentioned that I'm fat, and the office manager has been particularly mean, he said he would say something to her about it. The next day, it was only she and I in the office and she turned into a card-carrying witch before my very eyes. I walked out. I don't like people screaming at me, and this is the second time she's done it. I left work and was driving home, my intentions were to login from home and finish my work and give her some cooling off time. BUT, halfway home I thought I should just quit, since now we have established that she can abuse me without repercussion, I've become an easy target. The thought of quitting actually pleased me. Felt like a weight was lifted and I was happy for a moment.
Then my feelings crashed again... I've got to tell Rob. He will not be happy. He's already mad at me for being fat, now he's going to have a cow over my new employment status. Sure enough I was greeted with his frown and bad attitude, I got the speech about how we are going to suffer financially, then for two days he wouldn't leave the issue alone about how I should talk to my boss and ask for my job back to work from home or some other type of arrangement. Rob even went so far as to log me onto MSNMessenger and tell me to IM my boss.
What? Now you're my parent? Buzz off dude.
I told Rob that I really needed him on my side not against me, I would never treat him that way. I think the break I need is not from my job, but from my husband. He is such a downer sometimes.
So now I'm looking around. I found a 9 month contract job starting next week. It pays $16.00/hr pulling cable in a new casino out in Shawnee. No problem, I can pull cable with both brains tied behind my back, easy money. I'll be getting back into shape in no time and the excitement of working in the field again will be nice. I've already warned Rob that when I lose the weight and get my figure back, that I will certainly be too good for him... I might find me a young hottie and take him under my tutelage...
I've been going out to the farm and clear-cutting an area in the back. I'm immune to poison ivy, so I'm ideally suited to that work. We bought a new chainsaw. There is something innately pleasing about cutting down bad trees so the good trees can grow. I have 14 new tick bites, thorn scratches from head to toe, bruises and splinters. I work hard when I'm frustrated. Used to be, when I was younger, I would take off running. I would run and run until my body couldn't take it anymore. Then my mind would take over and I would be numb to the pain and I could keep on running forever. It was hard, it was cleansing, it was purgatory. Now, I cannot do that, I don't have the mind-over-matter power anymore.
These events are a symptom of my inner will trying to regain control of myself again. I'm not quite sure when I lost control, but I can't be smothered and squished anymore. I hope it's not my antidepressants making mountains of molehills, somehow I don't think that is the case, but it's always a possibility.
Anyway, I pressed the nuke button. Watching the fallout is always interesting.
MsAmber
13 comments:
I'm sorry to hear that adoption plans have been dropped for now. I think you have a lot to give and any child that will come into your care will be blessed. The money will always be an issue if you're not a born millionaire and sometimes you just go around in circles making ends meet (I speak from experience). I hope things work out for the best.
Your new contract sounds like an excellent "two birds with one stone" situation; you'll be moving around and doing what you like. By the time your contract is finished, your old boss may have changed the nasty office manager and ask you back.
If you don't mind me agreeing, the "fat chick" comment was shallow on R's part and the last thing a person taking antidepressants needs is to be reminded of their figure or outer image when they are struggling to keep the "inside" chip smoothly running. Have you checked out the possibility of weight-gain being a side effect? Keep your head and don't let extra weight become your problem. The weight will come off since you've decided to; snide remarks, however, have a way of branding our memory and tearing at our hearts.
I don't think you "lost control", just having a low point. Start "running" again MsAmber and let the wind renew your dynamism. Sending good vibes your way.
zardoz says:
the flubberwinkle i second
MORE GOOD ENERGY YOUR WAY.
Too bad you husband doesn't perceive you as voluptuous instead of fat.
I also left a job when I wasn't feeling well, after having had a difficult time with my boss. I got a call from one of the partners saying he was sorry to hear I resigned. I said I didn't resign, I went home because I wasn't feeling well. He said, "well, you left, so we'll be sending your things to you." So much for being sorry. They lost the case when they appealed my unemployment benefits. Now I'm working for and with people I really like and respect.
My marriage ended during the time I was unemployed, and now I have many female friends whose company I greatly enjoy.
Amber... I came here b/c I am listening to a CD of Oldman Coyote, who is from your town. You heard of him?
I passed by Shawnee on our way out here. Oklahoma... ehhh. I couldn't live there. But anyway.
I can understand where your hubby is coming from but at the same time, I do sympathize with you. No man who married a skinny hottie wants to see her balloon up. It happens, but whatever you can do to prevent it...
My recommendation would be to quit the anti-depressants, and go natural. As in, GREEN natural. I have a female friend who was on pills, but off them now, and feeling better thanks to her little green friend. Eat less of the shit foods. But most importantly, get off the pills and tell your doctor to shove them up his ass! They want you to be addicted and switching you around on pills like their little lab experiment is only making them and the drug companies money. Ditch em.
But I know where your hubby is coming from, if he is anything like me. It's not shallow necessarily. We need something nice to look at, as we are visual creatures. You women are all about feeling. We want a nice sight. It may be hard, but don't let yourself go.
ok i have to comment on this. If her husband were to loose his hair would it be ok to not like him, did he let himself go? With women there are factors that make us gain pounds such as endometriosis, pcos and a host of other problems. Did we let our selves go? No, it can sometimes be hormonal, so i say deal with it. And as far as pills go if it helps you, go with it. No natural remedy can replace a serotonin regulating pill and I think Tom cruise is a bird brain for advocating againt medication. And Amber give him time for the adoption plan to sink in. Dont give up hope yet.
ps
if Zoloft isnt working out try something else, you are in charge.
I'm glad you decided to find another job. I could not work around such illiteracy & hostility. Besides dear, you require a job that is more challenging than working with someone who is better suited working at the corner bar for tips.
Rob
Any person in a postion of authority that feels the need to justify themself in a combative manner as posted here, needs diversity training and to learn how to talk to people. If I were you amber i would show her or his boss this post because after reading that this person is clearly hostile and does not like you. She has the right to not like you, but as a boss she needs to know how to work around that, and make things work. This statement:
"And yes, I did yell at you that day... I also swore at you", speaks volumes about what kind of person she is, and to me she would be better suited working in a bingo hall.
Ahhh.. Amber said that impotence makes you grumpy, Rob. Settle down. OH WAIT! It's always down isn't it?
Even by quitting, I cannot escape it's negativity.
It's like a black hole that must suck everything down with it.
Hmmm. Interesting.
To address Anonymous, AKA Nasty Office “Manger”. Verbally attacking me does not faze me what so ever, especially when you have no idea of what you are talking about. Being hostile towards MsAmber did prompt my reply to your post. Amber is one of the most caring, intelligent, and hardest working individuals that I have ever met. Anyone that could be hostile or hurtful towards a person like her only proves your incompetence in your Office “Manger” position. I hear they are hiring bar maids at the Red Dog Saloon, just trying to help.
Rob
So, wait... Ms AMBER, you heard of OldMAn Coyote?
To Nasty Office Manager, the fact that you joined blogger just so that you can follow MsAmber unto her personal blog, heckle her and her husband might be considered STALKING. Please let it go.
Actually Crall, I haven't. Sorry. I skipped right over your question. My bad.
MsAmber
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