Christmas Eve.

I am a little depressed as usual for this time of year. I had the whole week off this week, which I really didn't want. This means: no paycheck except for holiday pay. I try to keep working during the holidays so I don't have too much time to get bored or bummed.

I finished at Lawton and took a weeks' vacation to Kentucky to visit Grandmother and Uncle Chuck. I had a great time. Grandmother gave me a big picture of my Mother from when she was in her 20's. I have no idea where to hang it, so I just put it in the cedar chest under my bed. She also loaded me down with clothes - mainly skirts and blouses. She gave me a ruby ring, which she said that my Mother had given her about 30 years ago. It's very pretty, and I keep trying it on and wearing it for 1/2 day before putting it back in the jewelry box. I've never had a great big fancy ring like that before... interesting the effect it has on my psyche, although I've never desired the shiny baubles of uppity women.

I played with the goats and the Great Pyrenees dogs and the chickens, guineas, turkeys, pigs, etc. I helped with the feeding and watering. Uncle Chuck and I took apart the chimney pipes in an old house and cleaned them out and put them back together. We went shopping for guns. We talked about a lot of things, and had lunch at his favorite deli. The last night I was there, we went to a party and got the truck stuck in a mudhole. It really was a great vacation. I'll never forget it. I have tons of ideas for what I would do if I lived there. They've seriously invited me to come to Louisville to be nearer them. I also met my cousins - haven't seen them since I was 14 and they were toddlers. We could become great friends, I feel.

It's stirred in me a desire to be with family. Strange, I know. I've always been so distant and independent. I've been forging my own way for 24 years with no contact with any of my blood-relatives. Then, out of the blue, my Grandmother wants me to visit, so I do and I'm treated warmly. This feeling is so foreign. To be actually WANTED. Do I take the bait?

Ah, pure Amber skepticism.

So, I've posted a few inquiries about jobs in Louisville. I'm not going to push the issue. If it's meant to be, then I will move back. They are pretty grumpy people by nature. I'm tough enough to handle it - that's how I was raised. Just let the insults roll, I'm secure enough. I rise up during conflicts. That's a part of my training. I didn't know just how valuable it was until now. ("Step up, don't shrink, that's a sign of weakness.")

My Mother was tough. This is a subject I've tried to put away, especially since her suicide in 2003. But being with family and discussing it has given me a little bit more understanding. Her words had great effects on me, I was fairly neurotic about some things when I left home. For example: When I was about 6 years old, I overheard her saying that people who slept in the fetal position were insecure, so I asked. What is the fetal position? She described it as having the knees bent. I asked What is insecure? She described it as being weak. So, for 20 years, I refused to bend my knees while sleeping. I was paranoid about being seen sleeping with my knees bent, because it meant that I was weak. If I woke in the middle of the night and my knees were bent, I would chastise myself and straighten out (stiff as a board), and go back to sleep. Funny, right? It wasn't until I was in my late 20's did I realize why I did this and convinced myself that it was ok to bend my knees. Now, I sleep in any position I wish. I was so affected by her words though, that I am constantly questioning my motives for many of my habits.
Some are good. She drilled into me that "Only slovenly women sleep in past 7." After all these years, I'm inclined to agree. Though that doesn't help me to fix my internal clock. Especially when I worked until 2:30 a.m. and I really need to sleep in. I'm hardwired now to rise-and-shine at 6:50. Heaven forbid that I should be perceived as a "Slovenly woman". Ha ha ha.

Ok, that's enough about my neurosis for now. Maybe later we'll discuss things like my spelling fanaticism, not looking in a mirror for more than 30 seconds (sin of vanity), attachment disorder, and being a hopeless Gypsy.

I went to a few RV dealerships. I told them that I wanted to look at 100 rvs before I decide. I walked through dozens already. Some are really cool. When I got back to my own little rv, I decided to move to the rv park across the street and closer to the lake. They have cable tv and WiFi. My slide-in motor quit working. I think my RV got jealous because I'm browsing for a new one. It's possible that I just need a new battery - I hope. So I manually cranked the slide-in in, then moved, and manually cranked it back out again. I found that one of my self-resetting breakers has disintegrated, so I replaced all three. Now I need to get a new battery. Bad timing, considering that I won't have a freakin' paycheck this week.
Good times, good times.

Well, I've gotta go. I think I've rambled enough for now.
You have a great day!
MsAmber