The Hostel - Quentin Tarrantino

What a quaint little movie. So pleasant to watch.
Has anyone ever created an award for the sickest movies ever?
Quentin Tarrantino is such a sicko, I just love him. I don't know how he comes up with some of this twisted stuff.
Can't wait to see his next one...

MsAmber

a Nuclear Meltdown was imminent...

A lot of small personal frustrations built up: I've gained 35 pounds and my husband is mad about it, this has caused a couple of nice little fights. He told me in the beginning that he doesn't like fat chicks. Well, I became one. I'm undecided whether to be mad at him for being shallow, or mad at myself for losing control. Situationally, it was bound to happen when I took a desk job and didn't cut back on my caloric intake. I was used to working outside, and genetics are against me in that way. Even at 170 pounds, I'm still the smallest person in my entire family. That's no excuse, mind you, that's just the way the cookie crumbles. (mmm, crumbled cookies...)
Emotionally I'm a wreck. Rob dismissed our plans for adopting a child. We didn't even discuss it, it just came up in conversation with friends and that's how I found out that the plans were off. Yeah, maybe I'm just being unrealistic, the adoption would have cost a lot of money that we don't have, but dammit now I'm in mourning over a child I never had.
Yeah, my antidepressants were changed again. No more Wellbutrin or Zoloft. Now I'm taking Lexapro.
When I look in a mirror, it's not me I see. I see a big old puffy faced double-chinned old hag. It seems as though my self-image has taken a nose-dive. I want to go to sleep forever and block it all out. If you knew me you would see how strange this is. I am usually such a funny girl who never has time to sleep.
The office manager at my work has been particularly abusive towards me lately. I don't like being screamed at. The boss asked me if there was anything wrong because I don't seem myself. I mentioned that I'm fat, and the office manager has been particularly mean, he said he would say something to her about it. The next day, it was only she and I in the office and she turned into a card-carrying witch before my very eyes. I walked out. I don't like people screaming at me, and this is the second time she's done it. I left work and was driving home, my intentions were to login from home and finish my work and give her some cooling off time. BUT, halfway home I thought I should just quit, since now we have established that she can abuse me without repercussion, I've become an easy target. The thought of quitting actually pleased me. Felt like a weight was lifted and I was happy for a moment.
Then my feelings crashed again... I've got to tell Rob. He will not be happy. He's already mad at me for being fat, now he's going to have a cow over my new employment status. Sure enough I was greeted with his frown and bad attitude, I got the speech about how we are going to suffer financially, then for two days he wouldn't leave the issue alone about how I should talk to my boss and ask for my job back to work from home or some other type of arrangement. Rob even went so far as to log me onto MSNMessenger and tell me to IM my boss.
What? Now you're my parent? Buzz off dude.
I told Rob that I really needed him on my side not against me, I would never treat him that way. I think the break I need is not from my job, but from my husband. He is such a downer sometimes.
So now I'm looking around. I found a 9 month contract job starting next week. It pays $16.00/hr pulling cable in a new casino out in Shawnee. No problem, I can pull cable with both brains tied behind my back, easy money. I'll be getting back into shape in no time and the excitement of working in the field again will be nice. I've already warned Rob that when I lose the weight and get my figure back, that I will certainly be too good for him... I might find me a young hottie and take him under my tutelage...
I've been going out to the farm and clear-cutting an area in the back. I'm immune to poison ivy, so I'm ideally suited to that work. We bought a new chainsaw. There is something innately pleasing about cutting down bad trees so the good trees can grow. I have 14 new tick bites, thorn scratches from head to toe, bruises and splinters. I work hard when I'm frustrated. Used to be, when I was younger, I would take off running. I would run and run until my body couldn't take it anymore. Then my mind would take over and I would be numb to the pain and I could keep on running forever. It was hard, it was cleansing, it was purgatory. Now, I cannot do that, I don't have the mind-over-matter power anymore.
These events are a symptom of my inner will trying to regain control of myself again. I'm not quite sure when I lost control, but I can't be smothered and squished anymore. I hope it's not my antidepressants making mountains of molehills, somehow I don't think that is the case, but it's always a possibility.
Anyway, I pressed the nuke button. Watching the fallout is always interesting.

MsAmber

Ewwww. Disgusting.

Okay, a medical grossness blog entry.
Today I was scheduled for an abdomenal CT scan. This involved 24 hours of clear liquids only diet, then a complete bowel cleansing kit... Lots of water, some gross alka-seltzer-like stuff first, then four laxatives, then a suppository. Meanwhile, drinking three big banana flavored barium smoothies. One at 10:00 last night, then one at 5:00 this morning, and another at 7:00 this morning. When I got to the hospital, I had to drink another one. So, I thought the worst was over... After the first CT scan, they injected another kind of contrast-material into my bloodstream. This stuff made me flush, I tasted and smelled strong chemicals, and it felt like I peed myself, even though it was expected, it still felt awful. I got my second scan. Then, I puked.
The CT scan technician held my head and a garbage can while I heaved. She put wet washcloths on my neck and forehead. She said that was normal, lots of people puke. Then I got the third scan. I left the hospital and I felt so hungry and tired and disgusting. I just drove straight home and went to bed. (I was supposed to go to work!)
I just woke up and fed the dogs and fixed myself a bowl of Chunky Chicken Noodle soup. I'm thinking I'll never eat bananas or banana-flavored anything ever again.

MsAmber

I didn't fall off the planet... yet.

Hello everyone. I've been a little busy with normal living-stuffs.
Saturday last, I hosted a very successful bar-b-que for my Father Bill, his wife Brenda, my Father-in-law Dick and my Mother-in-law Dolores. Rob perfectly grilled the most scrumptious T-Bone steaks ever seen on this side of the Earth. The company was great, the house was clean, the dogs were on their best manners. I still have a warm fuzzy from the event.
One nice surprise of the evening. My step-mom Brenda greeted me with the biggest heartfelt hug I have ever received from her. I truly felt the warmth and sincerity in that hug. I know I'm strange to take so much meaning out of a simple embrace, but when it's there, you can feel it. That means the world to me. Oh how I dislike a fake hug, as much as a man would dislike a wet fish handshake. It just meant so much.
How is it that I am a 35 year old woman, with all the stubbornness and self-confidence of any other adult, but at the mere sight of my parents, I become an insecure, try-too-hard-to-please, freak? I shampooed the carpets until the water ran clear. I couldn't get the house clean enough. I worried about the refrigerator being dirty, the dogprints on the floor, the smells exuding from our well-loved furniture, etc. I wish I could be confident enough to say "Screw it, either take me as I am or leave me alone." But no, I have to be a clean-freak and bust my azz to get everything not just clean, but perfectly clean. I'm such a child sometimes.
The dinner went wonderfully, everyone enjoyed it and I can let the house get dirty again.
Now I'm back to work and I am having a hard time finding my motivation. I hope my complacency doesn't get me fired. I think I may have just expended too much energy on one weekend, and now I don't have any motivation left.
Ah, C'est La Vie, I guess.

MsAmber