My, has it been a year already?

The new company truck came with a lot of out-of-state projects. I spent October 2006 in East Texas; November in Panhandle Texas; December in Montana, Nebraska, Wyoming, and South Dakota; January in New Mexico; and February in Kentucky. I decided that was too much travel, so I took a project in Muskogee, OK for March through May of 2007. As soon as that project ended, I took another in Charleston, SC. I've been in S.C. now for 4 months. This project will end around the first of November. It seems as though I've jumped out of the kettle and into the fire.


The preceding was meant to explain why I've been so remiss in my blog posting, but the truth is I've just been forgetting to update when I DO have access to a computer.

It rained all Summer in Oklahoma, so the sunflower contest was a bust. All the plants drowned before they were tall enough to bloom. The house flooded in my absence, so Rob was left with the task of recarpeting and repainting the entire house. I came home for a visit this weekend and it's beautiful. He chose a vivid blue for the walls and a blue textured carpet. It's colorful, definitely my style. Some would say I'm impractical in my desire for colors in the house, but I just can't stand white walls. So I'm proud of him for choosing a colored paint.

I also have a puppy. She is a blue heeler, we've had her for about 5 months now. I named her Jazmine; Jazzy for short. She has the same stubbornness and analytical mind I've come to expect from the breed. She's a thinker, which is a trait you have to work around when trying to train her; because as you know, humans make no sense at all. First, they want you to sit, then catch, then sit again. "Why waste time? Just let me jump up and down and I'll catch everything." "Then they say go away, I don't want to pet you. But if you turn around and come back, sometimes they will change their mind and pet you." I've taken the dogs out to the farm to swim in the pond. Brinka and Jazzy love the water. I'll swim out and call them and they both come to me.

I'm really looking forward to building my house out at the farm. I can't wait until I have my very own 37 acre playground. I have plans...

Well, tomorrow is Labor Day. I have to fly back to Charleston, SC for another two months. I didn't mention what I'm doing: we're cabling a large building at the Charleston Air Force Base. 2460 cat6 cables, 3 12-strand multimode fiber, 1 12-strand singlemode fiber, 4 100-pair cat3 feeders, and 1 300-pair cat3 feeder. It's hot and steamy in S.C., I've found my favorite spot at the beach and collected some seashells, got a little bit of color in my cheeks, and dropped 2 sizes in my jeans. I have blisters on both my big toes from my derned steel-toe boots, but I'm making some decent money - - cha ching!

It's nice being back with a crew again. It makes the traveling easier to handle when there's a familiar face (or 5) at the other end. I'm with my core crew from the Muskogee V.A. project. We've gotten to be good friends. We're actually a great crew. We all work hard, are self-motivated, and every one of us is reliable and trustworthy. I'll be sorry to see the crew break up after this project. We should be pimped out as a group. Our name should be THE CREW, and we can throw some cable (and some conduit). Oh well, daydreaming again.

It's been nice visiting with you awhile. Sorry I did all the talking this time. So much has happened since we last got together. Have I lost all my readership? I'm pretty sure everyone got tired of reading that last post for the past year. I resolve to try and write more often.

Peace and Sunflowers Ya'll.
MsAmber

A Brand-New Company Truck!

The company bought me a new truck. It's a Ford (at least they circled the problem) F150 with a boxed-in toolbed. Nice and new. It's a base model extended cab. No frills, regular crank windows, I don't like electric windows. Leather interior. I was not aware that they made plain am/fm stereos though. I thought they all had at least a tape deck. Oh well. Ladder rack, tool boxes down the side, new company logos...
I really like my new truck.
I sat down this evening to write something and my phone rang. My old friend Jerry called and we spoke for 90 minutes. Now I have too much on my mind to think about and no idea what to write.
EXCEPT...

God sure is Great!

In two weeks the company is sending me to Las Vegas for the Bicsi Convention. I have a ton of classes to take while I'm there. Husband surprised me by purchasing a great seat for the Cirque Du Soleil event "Zumanity". I've been wanting to see it since I first heard of it. When Rob and I went to Vegas three years ago, the show wasn't open yet and I was bummed because I've always wanted to see a Cirque Du Soleil. What a wonderful husband I have! The ticket was very expensive, I'm (almost) embarassed to warrant such an expenditure. At least this is something that only happens once-in-a-lifetime.

Anyway, the jobsite is about to wrap up. I'm expecting to be finished Friday this week. All that's left is the testing and troubleshooting. Two days to completion, whew! The casino's decor is very elaborate, it's going to be beautiful when it opens on September 21st. We will probably eat in the new steakhouse next August for our wedding anniversary.

Speaking of Anniversaries: September 9th will be the 5th anniversary of Our First Date. Happy anniversary Darlin'. It seemed like 50 years... I mean 5 years. I Love You.

MsAmber

Laughingstock of the construction site

Ok, so it's terminating time. We've built 6 racks in the I.T. room and are lacing the cables in. The air conditioning ductwork is wide open in our room. It's like 40 degrees in there and windy. I put up a cardboard deflector to keep the frozen whirlwind from frostbiting our ears. My crew has taken to wearing sweatshirts and long sleeves. Poor Chris, he wears a hoodie and pulls the hood up over his head, then puts his hard hat over that. When we go on break or to lunch, we all come shivvering downstairs and head straight outside for some sunshine. It's 104 degrees outside. It takes 15 minutes for us to feel our fingertips again and for toes to thaw out.
Oh yeah, we're getting laughed at. The popsicle crew.

MsAmber

A Diary in Oklahoma...

Just moved to Oklahoma! Now this is a state that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! It is beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.

June 14th: Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshipper.

June 30th: Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing the lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

July 10th: The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least, it's kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat is taking longer than I expected.

July 15th: Fell asleep by the community pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of mybody). Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

July 20th: I missed Lomita (my cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got to the hot car at noon, Lomita had died and swollen upto the size of a shopping bag, then popped like a water balloon. The car now smells like Kibbles and $hits. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat. Good ol' Mr. Sun strikes again.

July 25th: The wind sucks. It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer!! And it's hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.

July 30th: Been sleeping outside on the patio for 3 nights now, $225,000 house and I can't even go inside. Lomita is the lucky one. Why did I ever come here?

Aug. 4th: It's 115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost$500 and gets the temperature down to 85. I hate this stupid state.

Aug. 8th: If another wise a$$ cracks, 'Hot enough for you today?' I'm going to strangle him. Damn heat. By the time I get to work, the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!

Aug. 9th: Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts, and when I sat on the seats in the car, I thought my rear was on fire. My skin melted to the seat. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and butt . . . Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried butt, and baked cat.

Aug 10th: The weather report might as well be a stinking recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to move for 2 damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this blasted state? Water rationing will be next, so my $1700 worth of cactus will just dry up and blow away. Even the cactus can't live in this unholy heat.

Aug. 14th: Welcome to HELL! Temperature got to 115 today. Cactus are dead. Forgot to leave the window open a tiny bit and the heat build up in the car blew the blasted windshield out of the car. The installer came to fix it and guess what he asked me??? "Hot enough for you today?" My sister had to spend $1,500 to bail me out of jail. Freaking Oklahoma. What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here?? Will write later to let you know how the trial goes.

Damn. Got the Strep. Aargh!

I have been unable to eat. My stomach is ill, my head hurts. I left early from work on Tuesday and had to pull over to the side of the road for a two hour nap before resuming the drive home. I got home and laid down and crashed for 5 more hours. I got up and ate a cookie, I complained to husband that I had a headache, so he gave me two ibuprofen. I puked. My headache escalated into the most painful thing I have ever felt (comparable even to the time I had appendicitis for 17 hours). I tried a Hydrocodone. Puked that up. It felt like I was sweating from every pore in my body. Little needles coming from every sweat gland. I was sooo miserable. My shoulder and ribs on my right side hurt, my neck, my head, oh how miserable.
I went to the Dr on Wednesday. He gave me a strep test. Work doesn't want me to come in, so I don't share my illness with everyone.
I have a scrip for antibiotics (which always give me the runs and a nice stomachache), and another scrip for an anti-nausea medicine Phenergan, and another scrip for migraines. I think I'll just store the migraine scrip away for emergencies. It's a little overkill, don't you think?
Anyway, still having a hard time eating anything. My stomach is really sensitive right now, anything I eat hurts badly. I just had some Chunky Chicken Noodle soup and I appear to be holding that down ok. I finally got up and cleaned the bathroom. Nothing quite as fun as cleaning up your own puke when you are nauseous. I need a shower, but I just don't have the energy. I need to vaccuum the floors. I need to change my sheets. Gosh, where is my energy? This is just too damn depressing for words. I'm burning up and too tired to move. Argh.

MsAmber

Everybody knows but US?

http://www.ifamericansknew.org/history/index.html

Dyslexics Untie! I mean, how could we not know what and why we are doing this to innocent people? What can I do?
This was probably the most information I have found. It is so scary to me that I wonder how 'bent' it is. Please, somebody make an intelligent defense of the U.S.'s decision. Should I believe what I just read? If I do, that makes me decidedly un-American.
I already struggled with my dislike of commercialism and conspicuous consumption, this made me fairly unpatriotic as it were. Now I am extremely revolted by what I find we are messing with in the Middle East.
I am very worried and outraged.

Ignorance was bliss. My cherry has been smashed.

MsAmber

Current Affairs.

I've been watching the World News on BBC for several weeks now. At first, I was excited because they appeared to cover the Israel/Lebanon situation better than the American News programs. Now, I am seriously in doubt as to whether I should continue watching. There is a decidedly anti-American agenda, and I thought Great Britain were our allies.
I shouldn't turn my head just because the news is unpleasant to watch, but they really aren't reporting on the side of keeping Israel as a state. It seems as though they consider the bombing of Lebanon to be an over-reaction on the part of Israel over the kidnapping of two Israeli soldiers.
I understood the situation to be more about the Hezbollah organization terrorizing Israel and by not being in compliance with U.N. resolution 1559. Calling for the disbanding and disarmament of all Lebanese militias, and for a free and fair presidential election in Lebanon. This resolution was passed in 2004 by the U.N. Security council.
I'm still not sure I understand the importance of keeping Israel as a state except that there are many neighboring countries with a claim on the holy land and the fighting would continue over that Big Old Rock. I think Israel should be sold to the Vatican (They can afford it) and turned into Disneyland/Holy Land. We could sell tickets to all the pilgrims and develop the area into a multi-religious melting pot. The newest vacation hotspot of the pious.
I don't know about you, but I don't think God is on anybody's side on this one. It's just a piece of land for goodness' sake.
I do know that the more we interfere with Middle Eastern land issues, the more it seems we become the problem, and therefor a target for terrorist acts.
BBC news really makes me want to gather supplies and head for the hills.
Cox Cable channel 173.

Any intelligent input is duly requested.
MsAmber

Alicia Villarreal

One of the Mexicans on the jobsite told me that the reason the Mexicans are always staring at me is because I look like Alicia Villarreal. He said that she is a star in Mexico, like Tina Turner is in America.
I have to laugh about this. Does he mean I'm an old ageless icon? Ha ha ha.
I looked up Alicia Villarreal and the resemblance is amazing.
What do you think?

Have a great week.

MsAmber

Does Jesus wear a Yarmulke?

Hey! How come I've never seen a rendering of Jesus wearing a Yarmulke or some Hassidic curls?
Hmmm?

The Attitude of the Three Hairs.

Once a lady woke up and looked in the mirror and saw that she only had three hairs left on her head. So she said to herself "I think I'll braid my hair today." She did, and had a wonderful day.

The next morning, she awoke to find that she only had two hairs on her head. She thought to herself "I think I'll part my hair down the middle today." She did, and had a fabulous day.

The third morning she awoke to find that she only had one hair left. So she said to herself "I think I'll wear my hair in a ponytail today." She did, and had a very fun day.

The fourth morning she woke and found that she had no hairs left. She looked at herself in the mirror and thought "Yay, I won't have to do my hair today!"

This is my personal reminder to myself that it's not about bad things happening, it's how we deal with them that matters.

Yesterday on my way home from work, the fuel pump went out on the truck. It was cutting out, so I turned off the air-conditioner and limped down the berm to Jiffy Lube. The truck died in the parking lot, so we pushed it into the bay. I suggested that my fuel-filter was clogged and asked them to replace it. The new fuel filter didn't fix the problem, so I checked the fuel-pump relay (I swapped it out with the brake light relay). That didn't solve the problem either. So I talked with the boys at the shop and they suggested that it would be easier to remove the bed from the truck to get to the in-tank fuel pump, than to drain the fuel tank and drop it. I walked to the parts store and bought a new fuel pump and had the truck towed home.
I worked on those 8 bolts for 4 hours. They were tough. I broke one ratchet and bent a box wrench getting the bolts broken loose. It got dark. I put on a miner's light on my head and kept working. I got the bed of my truck unbolted, then I grabbed a hoe and a rake. I propped up one side with the hoe, then propped the other side up with the rake. I put a concrete block on the frame, just in case the bed fell, it wouldn't crush me.
You can see where I'm going with this right?
I figured out the wierd retaining-ring mechanism that holds the pump, filter, and gas gauge float inside the tank. I replaced the fuel pump all by myself. Rob got home and he helped me put the bed back on the truck and he cleaned up my mess and swept the driveway. I finished everything by 1:00 a.m.
I'm pretty proud of it. Rob said if he were here, he wouldn't have let me tackle the job, but I'm pretty proud of the fact that I figured that one out myself and saved about $300.00 in labor. An impact wrench would've sure made the job easier though.

It was hard work, I've been pretty sore all day and I can't get the grease out from under my fingernails. Ha! That is sooo me!

Have a great week Ya'll.
MsAmber

Sunflower contest update!

Sunflower contest of '06.
Now you see how magnificent it really looks.
The wind has been really blowing lately, so I thought I should snap a few photos before they start looking beaten down.
So far the potential winners are: Kandelyn and Mike and Mel are running close in height. At over 9' tall, it's hard to judge.
For largest flower: Calliope and NormanKnight are looking like good bets.
Have a sunflower wonderful day!

MsAmber
 

Everything is wonderful!

I'm working hard at my new job. I'm cabling a new casino out here in Oklahoma. I'm sore, sunburnt, tired, and smiling. I actually have quite a nice tan, for the second time in my entire life.
The electricians on this jobsite are funny, funny guys. They heckle my crew all day long. I enjoy the good-natured bantering. My crew is working hard and learning the trade. We pulled 150 cables on Saturday, and another 104 today. That's busting butt.
The job is supposed to be finished by August 20th. I'm sure we'll make deadline on the original bid, but the add-ons are going to kick our collective arses. They like the quality of my work, so we are getting the phone and fiber cabling also - that's the add-on part. Oh well, more money and more work.
I'm like the sweetheart of the construction site, I attend meetings with the honchos and everybody knows my name. I use the outhouses just like the guys, and I'm as hard-working and responsible as anybody out there. I guess you could say I'm back in my element and I feel good.
I'm also losing weight like crazy...
Bonus!

Shalom,
MsAmber

The Great Sunflower Contest - 2006

The Great Sunflower Contest is in full swing again this year. So far the NormanKnights (Rob) and MsAmber's Beauty (Mine) are in the lead for height. Calliope (Earl) is looking very thick, which might mean a big head. (For Earl, or the sunflowers, maybe both...)
Mike and Mel's unnamed flowers, as seen here, are doing great. They appear to be just a couple inches taller than the Mustangs (Kandelyn's). Team Dork (Rob's second set) are lagging behind. Might be because I sent the dog over their to mark them...
MsAmber and Beauty are reaching high for the top rung of the fence. The extra doses of fertilizer just may give me an advantage this year. I deny allegations that I'm using steroids to enhance their performance. These athletes are pure, raw talent. Plus a little pep-talking and some Miracle Grow.
Gotta feed my little athletes if they are going to be champions, you know.

Have a great week ya'll.
MsAmber

Good news all around.

1. Kandelyn is off to horse camp. She saved enough money for the second week, AND had $80.00 left over to go shopping with. I'm so proud of her. I'm thinking of sending her that set of horse brushes we saw at Atwoods last week. She loves to get mail.
2. I've got a good crew of guys on the jobsite now. All cooperative and wanting to learn. Good attitudes and good workers.
3. The Contractor bought me from the Recruiting Agency. I negotiated a good salary plus company truck and gas card, and a 2GHz laptop! Woo Hoo! Amber's in da hay-ouse! I'm now the job supervisor over this project also.
4. I went to Goodwill and bought 1 pair of jeans, 2 pair of shorts, 1 belt, and 4 blouses. I spent $22.00 and now I have enough clothes to wear. I've been washing and wearing the same three pair of jeans and shirts over and over, I think people are starting to notice....

I came home and layed down in my bed. I crashed hard. The phone rang, but I was so confused and tired that I was trying to shut off the alarm clock, thinking it was 5:00 a.m. already. I need to re-adjust my mental clock, I get up at 5:00 a.m. but I still try and stay up till midnight to visit with Rob. I need to start going to bed sooner.
I've been having some really funky dreams lately. I dreamt that my mother called me, she wasn't dead after all, she was in Florida and needed some money. I was so mad at her! It took a couple of waking hours to realize that it was just a dream, but the wierd thing was that I heard her voice, loud-and-clear. I haven't heard her say my name in years, but there it was. "Amber, this is your Mom, sorry about tricking you, ha ha ha. But listen, I need a favor..."

MsAmber

Boogie boogie boogie!

Run run run.
Git 'er done!

Have patience with me, I'm full of things to say, but I just can't think of anything right now.

MsAmber

Alrighty Then.... Hmmmm.

I found out today that I am the lead tech over the whole project. Pretty cool.
I was also taken aside and asked who I would cut if I had to get rid of some extra employees.
OUCH!
I tried to waffle a little bit, and I thought of all my guys. Some of them aren't the sharpest tools in the shed, but they have willing hearts. They will do their best for you, all you have to do is give them some direction. Others are overly hard workers, but not exactly on the reliable side... And then others have already proved dishonesty. I really struggled with my list...
I picked one who has proven dishonesty, and he's a little disgruntled anyway - I have a feeling he's looking for something else and isn't too pleased with the long drive.
I picked two who have no experience and move slowly. I appreciate somebody who can hustle, not take 10 minutes to fetch some allthread from the trailer. It doesn't take two people to walk out for one piece of allthread, etc.
The next section is a hard one - Do I pick the two that are funny and hard working but may not be reliable if they have a hangover? Or do I pick the two who went along with the dishonesty of number 1? Do I pick the two young guys who are acting like rednecks on the jobsite (calling the hispanic crew "Beaners")?
It makes sense to remove one from each pair, and it would straighten out the other one, since these bad habits are a direct result of a "pack mentality".
The problem here is that I am vaguely familiar with all of their life-situations. Who has a new baby, who is going to school, who is really trying to ____________. (fill in the blanks)
I'm more of a mentor than a dictator, I see the potential in every one of my guys. Wishing I could work with them and teach them a trade that would guarantee a meal on their table and pride in their work for life.
I'm so sad for having to choose. I guess this is the next step for me in becoming a project manager though. I have to let go of wanting to make a difference in people's lives, and just focus on the job.
I really should be a trainer.

Peace,
MsAmber

There's a Party in Hell (Wisconsin)

I started my new job. Couldn't be happier. I've got a good crew of guys to work with, and I get to wear my hardhat and workboots again. Heck, I even feel and look slimmer, though I've only lost 5 pounds so far.
I have a dilemma:
I am paid by a Recruiting Agency, and I answer to the Contractor.
I am a team leader, and there are three team leaders total.
As a team leader, I am responsible for the timecards for my team.
On Thursday, the other team leader: I'll call him "Gramps" for blogging purposes, Gramps dismissed the teams for lunch at 11:50. We walked out to the trucks and he had them wait for 10 minutes to clock out. Then they all clocked back in at 12:30. Nine guys at 10 minutes each equals about $23.00. No big deal right?
On Friday, my guys had to leave at 3:00. I clocked them out then I went back in to continue working. We are trying to make up time to get them 40 hours. Also, I was waiting for a container to be delivered. I received a phone call at 3:50 from the container company saying that the truck had broken down and the container wouldn't be delivered until Monday. I was up on the lift straightening out the cable track, and Gramps went to talk to his crew. He came back over and said he wanted to call it a day. I said that we were trying to get 10 hours in for the day to make up time. He said that's what he was negotiating with me, he wanted to leave at 4:00 but clock out at 5:30, to "Give the guys a break". I said "The guys have had a break all week. No, uh uh. I'm going to keep working." He was a little pissed and walked away. I finished my track and put my lift away and plugged it into the electricity, and stacked my tools in a box next to the lift. Then I walked over to his team and saw how far they had gotten, I complimented them on a good run and said I was stepping outside for a cigarette.
I only barely finished the cigarette when the guys all walked out, carrying my tools and ready to go. When we got to the trucks it was 5:10. I met Gramps at his truck and said "I don't mind 10 minutes here and there, but an hour-and-a-half is pushing it. I can't justify stealing." (That would be 4 guys at 1.5 hours = $90.00) He frowned at me and his team walked up with their timecards and looked straight at me and asked what time to put down. I said "5:30's fine, if you want." (That's about $20.00 worth for 4 guys at 20 minutes each.)
Saturday: 6 of us showed up at 7:00 and completed a walk-thru. There was only about 3 hours' worth of work and materials. I was there for half an hour and got the guys started, spoke to the PM, he wanted us to stretch it out until noon if we could. I got permission to let Gramps run the job and I went home for the day. I asked the guys to call me with their time when they leave, because I have to have the timecards turned in on Sunday. At 2:00 in the evening, I hadn't received a phonecall so I called Gramps and left a message, clearly asking him to call me back when he checks his voicemail. Sunday, I called again at 12:30 (after church), and again asked for him to return my call. At 4:00, I called my guys and asked them personally what time to put down for Saturday. The answer was "Gramps told us to put down 12:00. Did he not call you? He told us not to call you because he would do it." (notice the answer was not "we worked until 12:00", it was "Gramps told us to put down 12:00.")
My problem is this: Because Gramps is angry with me, he is not returning my calls. He told my guys not to call in their time yet he didn't call it in for them. Secondly, I don't know who to report this to. The Recruiting Agency? The Project Manager?
Is it even worth reporting?

I live by four basic principles:
1. If it's right, do it.
2. If it's wrong, don't.
3. If you mess up, fix it.
4. Love is a verb not a noun.

I know the fourth is not applicable in this situation.

What would Dear Abby say?

MsAmber

The Hostel - Quentin Tarrantino

What a quaint little movie. So pleasant to watch.
Has anyone ever created an award for the sickest movies ever?
Quentin Tarrantino is such a sicko, I just love him. I don't know how he comes up with some of this twisted stuff.
Can't wait to see his next one...

MsAmber

a Nuclear Meltdown was imminent...

A lot of small personal frustrations built up: I've gained 35 pounds and my husband is mad about it, this has caused a couple of nice little fights. He told me in the beginning that he doesn't like fat chicks. Well, I became one. I'm undecided whether to be mad at him for being shallow, or mad at myself for losing control. Situationally, it was bound to happen when I took a desk job and didn't cut back on my caloric intake. I was used to working outside, and genetics are against me in that way. Even at 170 pounds, I'm still the smallest person in my entire family. That's no excuse, mind you, that's just the way the cookie crumbles. (mmm, crumbled cookies...)
Emotionally I'm a wreck. Rob dismissed our plans for adopting a child. We didn't even discuss it, it just came up in conversation with friends and that's how I found out that the plans were off. Yeah, maybe I'm just being unrealistic, the adoption would have cost a lot of money that we don't have, but dammit now I'm in mourning over a child I never had.
Yeah, my antidepressants were changed again. No more Wellbutrin or Zoloft. Now I'm taking Lexapro.
When I look in a mirror, it's not me I see. I see a big old puffy faced double-chinned old hag. It seems as though my self-image has taken a nose-dive. I want to go to sleep forever and block it all out. If you knew me you would see how strange this is. I am usually such a funny girl who never has time to sleep.
The office manager at my work has been particularly abusive towards me lately. I don't like being screamed at. The boss asked me if there was anything wrong because I don't seem myself. I mentioned that I'm fat, and the office manager has been particularly mean, he said he would say something to her about it. The next day, it was only she and I in the office and she turned into a card-carrying witch before my very eyes. I walked out. I don't like people screaming at me, and this is the second time she's done it. I left work and was driving home, my intentions were to login from home and finish my work and give her some cooling off time. BUT, halfway home I thought I should just quit, since now we have established that she can abuse me without repercussion, I've become an easy target. The thought of quitting actually pleased me. Felt like a weight was lifted and I was happy for a moment.
Then my feelings crashed again... I've got to tell Rob. He will not be happy. He's already mad at me for being fat, now he's going to have a cow over my new employment status. Sure enough I was greeted with his frown and bad attitude, I got the speech about how we are going to suffer financially, then for two days he wouldn't leave the issue alone about how I should talk to my boss and ask for my job back to work from home or some other type of arrangement. Rob even went so far as to log me onto MSNMessenger and tell me to IM my boss.
What? Now you're my parent? Buzz off dude.
I told Rob that I really needed him on my side not against me, I would never treat him that way. I think the break I need is not from my job, but from my husband. He is such a downer sometimes.
So now I'm looking around. I found a 9 month contract job starting next week. It pays $16.00/hr pulling cable in a new casino out in Shawnee. No problem, I can pull cable with both brains tied behind my back, easy money. I'll be getting back into shape in no time and the excitement of working in the field again will be nice. I've already warned Rob that when I lose the weight and get my figure back, that I will certainly be too good for him... I might find me a young hottie and take him under my tutelage...
I've been going out to the farm and clear-cutting an area in the back. I'm immune to poison ivy, so I'm ideally suited to that work. We bought a new chainsaw. There is something innately pleasing about cutting down bad trees so the good trees can grow. I have 14 new tick bites, thorn scratches from head to toe, bruises and splinters. I work hard when I'm frustrated. Used to be, when I was younger, I would take off running. I would run and run until my body couldn't take it anymore. Then my mind would take over and I would be numb to the pain and I could keep on running forever. It was hard, it was cleansing, it was purgatory. Now, I cannot do that, I don't have the mind-over-matter power anymore.
These events are a symptom of my inner will trying to regain control of myself again. I'm not quite sure when I lost control, but I can't be smothered and squished anymore. I hope it's not my antidepressants making mountains of molehills, somehow I don't think that is the case, but it's always a possibility.
Anyway, I pressed the nuke button. Watching the fallout is always interesting.

MsAmber

Ewwww. Disgusting.

Okay, a medical grossness blog entry.
Today I was scheduled for an abdomenal CT scan. This involved 24 hours of clear liquids only diet, then a complete bowel cleansing kit... Lots of water, some gross alka-seltzer-like stuff first, then four laxatives, then a suppository. Meanwhile, drinking three big banana flavored barium smoothies. One at 10:00 last night, then one at 5:00 this morning, and another at 7:00 this morning. When I got to the hospital, I had to drink another one. So, I thought the worst was over... After the first CT scan, they injected another kind of contrast-material into my bloodstream. This stuff made me flush, I tasted and smelled strong chemicals, and it felt like I peed myself, even though it was expected, it still felt awful. I got my second scan. Then, I puked.
The CT scan technician held my head and a garbage can while I heaved. She put wet washcloths on my neck and forehead. She said that was normal, lots of people puke. Then I got the third scan. I left the hospital and I felt so hungry and tired and disgusting. I just drove straight home and went to bed. (I was supposed to go to work!)
I just woke up and fed the dogs and fixed myself a bowl of Chunky Chicken Noodle soup. I'm thinking I'll never eat bananas or banana-flavored anything ever again.

MsAmber

I didn't fall off the planet... yet.

Hello everyone. I've been a little busy with normal living-stuffs.
Saturday last, I hosted a very successful bar-b-que for my Father Bill, his wife Brenda, my Father-in-law Dick and my Mother-in-law Dolores. Rob perfectly grilled the most scrumptious T-Bone steaks ever seen on this side of the Earth. The company was great, the house was clean, the dogs were on their best manners. I still have a warm fuzzy from the event.
One nice surprise of the evening. My step-mom Brenda greeted me with the biggest heartfelt hug I have ever received from her. I truly felt the warmth and sincerity in that hug. I know I'm strange to take so much meaning out of a simple embrace, but when it's there, you can feel it. That means the world to me. Oh how I dislike a fake hug, as much as a man would dislike a wet fish handshake. It just meant so much.
How is it that I am a 35 year old woman, with all the stubbornness and self-confidence of any other adult, but at the mere sight of my parents, I become an insecure, try-too-hard-to-please, freak? I shampooed the carpets until the water ran clear. I couldn't get the house clean enough. I worried about the refrigerator being dirty, the dogprints on the floor, the smells exuding from our well-loved furniture, etc. I wish I could be confident enough to say "Screw it, either take me as I am or leave me alone." But no, I have to be a clean-freak and bust my azz to get everything not just clean, but perfectly clean. I'm such a child sometimes.
The dinner went wonderfully, everyone enjoyed it and I can let the house get dirty again.
Now I'm back to work and I am having a hard time finding my motivation. I hope my complacency doesn't get me fired. I think I may have just expended too much energy on one weekend, and now I don't have any motivation left.
Ah, C'est La Vie, I guess.

MsAmber