2013 and 2014 Recap...

I made a huge mistake and a few smaller ones... May 2012 through March 2013 - I was on top of the world. Had a great job, traveled, earned big money. I worked all the time, paid my bills, gave money away, I was a huge tipper, I paid for repairs that I could've handled myself. I had respect at work, and lots of stress and responsibility. Then, I met a man who flattered me. He listened to me, he engaged me, he did all kinds of little things that I like: he played the guitar, he stoked the campfires, he joked and made me laugh, he encouraged me to go out and have fun more and work less. I was dating someone else at the time, but he was seemingly always around. I went on a few group outings, kayaking, with other campers at the RV park and he was the host. He taught me how to golf. He would ride by my campsite on his bicycle and ask if I wanted to go for a trail ride - which I did. The second year - March 2013, I returned to the same campground and there he was, waiting for me. We started seeing each other, and quickly he moved into my bedroom and never left. He took over my life. We got married on June 16th, 2013; it was a spontaneous decision, and not well thought out. He campaigned for me to quit my job, subtly at first, then more and more insistent. He would get angry when my phone rang in the evenings. He displayed mock-outrage at my work that called me at all hours, telling me that it's not right, I need to set limits with my job. Then his needling about how much money I deserve over what I get paid for all the hours I put in (Yes, I was on salary). He made some good points, but I let him get into my head. He created a mental picture of a future partnership where WE could work less and play more and maintain. He always seemed to be outraged by my work-related stresses, and he worked diligently towards convincing me that life doesn't have to be tackled alone. I felt that he was on my side, that he was advocating FOR me. He told me that work was winding down for him in Pennsylvania, but that he could work in Aiken, South Carolina in the winter. So I put in my two weeks' notice and lined up a job in Columbia, South Carolina for myself. I never let him pay a single thing for me, not even a restaurant meal, so I paid the entire cost to move us both down to South Carolina, and I started working at a new company. From September 2013 through December 2013, he never sought employment. I worked and he consumed. He was like a hungry baby. I couldn't keep up with his needs. He wasted all my resources, and became sullen and hostile. I talked with him about this, it's one of my major peeves to come home to hostility, and one that I wouldn't tolerate long. He was also getting angry with me when my phone rang after-hours for work, and starting his campaign against my work hours, pay rate, co-workers, and my responsibilities. I continued to work in spite of his objections and hostility - but it was really grinding on me. Early December, I lost my job due to a contract negotiation. From September, however, he had his own computer,(password protected) but during the day he snuck into MY computer (not password protected): he searched through my pictures and documents, logged in to my Facebook and read through all my posts and chats, read my WildernessGirl blog from 2005, logged into my Verizon online account and analyzed my call records and copied down phone numbers for my friends, coworkers, and exes. Read all my sent and received emails on my yahoo account. THIS is what he was doing all day while I worked. I had no idea. In October of 2013 he picked a fight over my call logs and that's how I found out about it. I forgave him after he explained that he was just depressed for being out of work and it was silly and he would never do it again, and promised that he would go find a job. By December, he was still sneaking and doing it and hadn't even looked for a job. December 17th, I kicked him out. It was all I could do to keep up with the bills and he wasn't helping. I called an old friend and borrowed a truck payment, promising to pay it back as quickly as I could. Amazing - the week I kicked him out he got a job. He called and kept apologizing for his behavior and wanted to help me out with the rent or the cellphone bill. I let him pay the cellphone bill, (not the rent or the truck payment or the rv payment), and I accepted his apology and let him move back in. January 2014, he found a better job as a horse keeper at a large farm that provided housing. This would take me too far away from Columbia to commute, but surely there were other opportunities for me in Aiken? We discussed it and moved to Longleaf Plantation in Springfield South Carolina. There, he was paid with a two bedroom house, all utilities included, and a salary of $400/week. I moved in with him and parked the RV. I first found a job as a cashier at a convenience store, but he had a fit when I was asked to work on a Sunday - he wanted me to have the same days off as he did. I had to quit. I started working at Longleaf Plantation running a chainsaw for $300/wk. A lot of manual labor for substandard wages, but at least it was something. My paychecks went into HIS bank account. I got behind on the truck payment, the rv payment and the cellphone payment. I kept the insurance paid, however. I knew that if it lapsed, he wouldn't let me get it back - he doesn't have insurance and probably never will. Finally tax time came. I filed my taxes and as soon as the amount hit my bank, I paid back the loan from my friend, and caught up on my back bills - truck and cellphone. He picked a big fight over paying my friend back, and tried to throw me out. He threw all my things down the stairs into a big pile in the kitchen and I started packing. I told him to stop, that I would get it, then he turned the conversation around to where I was leaving him - it was my own choice, my own fault, etc. He's not making me leave - it's my own choice. So, I didn't leave. The RV payment was overdue - I couldn't pay it, and the collection agency refused to work with me on moving payments to the end where I could be current, so I told them to come and get it. Repossession of my RV/home. Then comes the day that I graduated to a bigger chainsaw. The 16" chainsaw. I was working in the swamp with chest waders, cutting down oaks and climbing through muck and mud over stumps in the cold for $300/wk. I was sore when I got home. He wanted some affection, I told him I was too tired and my shoulders hurt - he got angry and promised to have me fired! He raised a big stink over it with our boss, that I was being worked too hard, it was dangerous, etc. Our boss came and talked to me and told me to just not tell my husband when I'm sore from work. That's when I discovered I was now a hostage. I was broke, unemployed, and obligated to have sex to appease my angry husband or there would be repercussions! How the hell did this happen? His boss offered me $100 to powerwash his new boat. I own a 3300 psi powerwasher which I had been trying to sell to pay bills. Gladly, I powerwashed that thing better than anyone ever powerwashed anything in the history of powerwashing. He taunted me the entire time I was working. Called me a brown-noser for doing a good job, I called him on his taunting and asked him what his freaking problem was. Angry words were said, he was very close to my face when he said "Thank Christ you never had any kids!" and I hauled off and slapped him. Then he told me to get out, get out of his life, he was sick of my shit. We ran to the house and he grabbed my stuff and threw it down the stairs into the kitchen and started hauling it outside. He threw my stuff into the front yard. He threw dirty rugs on my crate of toiletries, and broke the glass on one of my pictures. I told him I needed to pack my stuff, but he was violent and angry and screaming at me. I grabbed what I could fit into the truck, and my dog. I didn't have time to sort out what was important and I didn't have room for everything. I got my clothes and bedding - the truck was already loaded with most of my tools - it was a shortbed crewcab. His boss walked up and said "I'm sorry.", and I replied "Oh, it's alright, I wasn't even completely unpacked from the last time he threw me out." May 6, 2014 - I drove off with my $100 and an empty tank, my clothes and dog, and somehow I even managed to get my kayak in there. I went to beg at a friend's house in Columbia. I was unemployed, homeless, facing repossession of my truck, with a load of jumbled up clothes and tools - and my dog. I've never been so low. Then, it started: I found a job after one week, and posted the update to my LinkedIn. He started calling my work - since there are two locations he was directed to HR. Initially, he was asking for my address to send flowers, then when he got someone important: informing them that he's my husband. I got a phonecall from my new boss asking what this was about, and I had to explain that I am in exodus from an ex-husband. He opened a LinkedIn account to follow me. He harassed me on Facebook - I unfriended him. He harassed me on messages - I blocked him. I joined a kayaking meetup group, went to one event, then he joined the group and messaged me: "See you there!" He called me on my company cellphone every weekend - sometimes 7 times a day. If I didn't answer, he would leave threatening voicemails - "Don't make me call your work! You won't like it!" He put a watermark on some of the photos of me that I had been using on Facebook and sent threatening emails for me to take them down - he consulted with a lawyer about his "intellectual property". He called all my exes - including my first boyfriend from 1985, and the guy I was dating that first year we met, and tried to garner support. He read a book called "Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers", and proclaimed that I have Narcissistic Personality Disorder. He wrote letters to the author and forwarded me the responses. I finally told him that I am seeing someone else and to leave me alone. He began a smear campaign and is trying to prove that I am an adulteress. Threatened me that I could face a $500 fine and wanted to prosecute me. He wrote an email to my ex-husband "informing" him that I had an affair before OUR divorce was final - my ex said: "Yes, I know, get over it, I did." To which he responded something like: Thanks for the information - I'll use it in court to prove my case. He calls and hints that he has insider information "Now that you have your shed built, would you like some of your things, like the cedar chest?" In May 2015 we will have been separated one full year, which makes us eligible for the "No-Fault Divorce" in South Carolina. I have offered to pay for this: after we have lived separate and apart for one year. He has decided to take advantage of my financial straits and push for a divorce for "cause". He has always been obsessed with the idea that all of his exes committed adultery, and he would love nothing more than to have this in writing so that he can wave it around like a flag. "Adultery" is not the cause of the divorce. "Constructive Desertion" is a valid cause. He will not get the divorce faster with his "cause", his intention here is to discredit me and possibly give me a criminal record (misdemeanor). The Divorce papers I received in the mail have an interesting blackmail clause: "9. Plaintiff is informed and believes that if Defendant contests any issues regarding the divorce that he is entitled to attorney's fees and costs for this action. WHEREFORE, Plaintiff prays that he be granted a divorce a vinculo matrimonii based upon the ground of adultery; that he be awarded attorney's fees and costs for this action if Defendant contests any issues regarding this action; and for such other and further relief as this Court may deem just and proper." So, am I to just agree and sign the divorce to bring a quick end to this, and deal with his flag waving and possible criminal record? Do I contest this and risk having to PAY to be insulted?

Listening to the frogs

I was sitting outside listening to the cacophony of frogs. One group sounded a lot like bleating lambs. It was a nice respite from the noise inside my head. I've been thinking a lot lately. Mistakes I've made; and continue to make. Where am I going? What's next for me? It feels like the world is holding it's breath. I'm in limbo - no clear vision, no defined goals. I can't even decide or envision how I want to live: Do I want a tiny house on a pretty shady lot with a fenced-in yard? Do I want another RV so that I can always be mobile? Do I want to avoid putting down roots or do I want to stay here and face my demons? I never have been good at staying in one place, and I don't want a "person" to be my reason to. This is about me. I do fantasize about settling down, making friends, establishing myself, but I kinda feel lost at DOING it. I'm good for a while, but then I feel alien and "different" from everyone else. I guess I've always looked for a place that is either: completely accepting of differences, or a place where the people are weird like me. I'm just going to trudge along and maybe things will get easier. Like I say: You know how to eat a 72 ounce steak? One bite at a time. LOL. Peace, MsAmber

I shall write of a dream...

The picture is in sepia-tone. There is a hay covered hill with a rutted dirt driveway going up. Halfway up the hill is a big old two story house with wraparound porch. The paint has chipped away mostly, leaving bare weathered wood siding, I'm not even sure that it's not condemned. The driveway continues up the hill past the house. I'm at the bottom of the hill, and trudging upward with a sense of heaviness, and boredom mixed with stoicism. I walk past the house and continue up the hill. There are concrete rectangular pools of murky water, about 10' by 5'. I start feeding my alligators. I know they won't harm me, they are dependent on me. I walk on top of the cement dividers, and throw the food in measures into each pool. I know the alligators are watching me, and I feel annoyed about having to take care of them, but it's a necessary chore. If I stop feeding them then they will be justified in doing me harm, so I take care of them. But I don't have to like it... When I am done, I walk back down to the house. Everything is broken inside. The screen door is hanging off one hinge. The foyer table only has three legs so it's propped against the wall. I put my purse down there on that table. But EVERYTHING in this house is broken in one way or another. Still functioning, but broken. I look into the kitchen from the foyer and through it to the backyard. I have set up all the picnic tables back there in anticipation of company for Thanksgiving dinner. I have set all the food out and it looks beautiful, the wind gently sways the tablecloths and I see a perfectly roasted turkey and all the trimmings, I'm just waiting on company. Suddenly I notice a mound of dirt, then another. It's the damned alligators. They are wearing the mounds of dirt as disguises to sneak up on the Thanksgiving meal. This just really makes me irritated and I decide to finally do something about them: I'm going to shoot them. So I go upstairs to the bedroom where the old man and old woman are still sleeping, and I open the big wooden wardrobe/gun cabinet. I have stocks with no barrels, I have barrels with no stocks, I have rifles without bullets, and bullets that fit no rifles. Everything is broken and I can't put two things together to accomplish this. I look up in the dark and I see a snake trying to crawl up into the bed with the old man and old woman, so I reach out and grab it right behind the head. I squeeze it's head this way and it flexes but it won't squeeze off. I squeeze it's head that way and it flexes but it won't squeeze off. Suddenly I know that I can't squeeze it's head off but I CAN cut it's head off with my silver knife. I look up and ask a boy who's standing there to go get me my purse off the foyer table. He returns with my purse. With one hand I dump the contents on the floor. I have knives - a black one, no, a serrated one, no, all kinds of knives but not my Silver one. How can I cut this snake's head off without my Silver knife! AAAARGH! I stand up, so frustrated, so angry, so powerful, I just can't take it anymore! I blast off through the ceiling with all my destructive energy that I hope the house collapses and implodes. I'm so outta here.

Dogville

I just watched Dogville, starring Nicole Kidman. I feel that I understand intimately the fight to keep your own soul and stay true to your cultivated principles. The rest of the world will exploit you for those principles, while misunderstanding them and trying to break you of them. Grace was tortured immeasurably for her peaceful tolerance and nearly indomitable kind-spirited nature. She believed in forgiveness, and accepting others' behavior as a product of their life and experiences: in other words, she exonerated others for their shortcomings. However, she held herself to another standard, and self-punished for any perceived transgression. She was humble and demonstrated humility in every encounter with the residents of Dogville, and allowed herself to be exploited by each of them, taking the "higher path" every time. The residents of Dogville felt that they were helping her so therefore she owed them a debt, which she paid and paid and paid. I was getting frustrated with her lack of indignance and fight - a little too close to home for me, really. My soul resonated with her passivity and I fought to stay engaged in the movie, rather than introspecting on some of my experiences. I believe I now understand the use of the word "naivete" that has been so often directed at me. But like Grace - I have the uncanny ability to dismiss and move past corporal abuses. I'm sure if I thought on them, I should be vengeful indeed. In the end, she was convinced. Her high-mindedness was a form of arrogance; her personal moral code should be applied universally; and no-one deserves more forgiveness than you reserve for yourself. Of course the residents of Dogville failed these standards miserably and justice was harsh. The movie was intriguing, and I'm feeling a little pensive about it all right now. Is there a lesson in it for me? And - Is it the Right Lesson? After all: who could blame her for what she became - based on her life and experiences? I do love a circular argument...

March 27, 2013

I'm high on life. Springtime is just around the corner, I can smell the early growth in the air. I completed Port Clinton Ohio and hitched up the RV. I had quite a few obstacles. The batteries were dead and I didn't have any electricity to run a vacuum cleaner or water to wash things down, and the slide-out was jammed up, so I just loaded my stuff in it and took off South. First I stopped by my Uncle's place in Kentucky and visited a couple of days. I wrangled pigs and petted dogs and had a very nice visit. He showed me all the projects he's working on - looks like he could use my help and asked if I had any time-off coming up - would I come back and help out? Sure. Then I hitched up and continued the trip back to Norman Oklahoma. I got my new badge, turned in paperwork, met all the new employees that I only knew by name, had lunch with the Safety Coordinator, dropped off all the ladders and tools, and picked up my powerwasher. I took Kandelyn out to lunch and we visited all day - we dropped by Rob's place to say "Hi" and they were in the middle of an electrical crisis - so I figured all that out. My girl Tayla came up to see me with her two little ones. We went to dinner and caught up on the last two years... Then I hitched up and traveled south to Ardmore. I met with my favorite father-figure, it was timely, too. We traded work: I fixed some wiring in my old van that he uses, and he had a friend who came by and re-aligned my slide-out on the RV. He saw my power-washer and lit-up like a lightbulb: That's exactly what I need - that diesel engine needs powerwashed so I can find the leaks, he said. So... today I think I'm powerwashing a diesel engine. LOL. Then, I'm going to hitch up and go back to my Uncle's place in Kentucky and help with a remodel project. I'm off work for about a month. THEN, hopefully, I'm returning to Ft. Indiantown Gap, Pennsylvania to work on the OSP construction portion. AND, it's springtime. I am so glad to see the end of Winter. I feel high as a kite. Okay then. Now you are up-to-date.

Saturday... Yayy.

I'm going to clean house while watching "Across The Universe". Time to start packing and moving stuff back into the RV. We are cabling the last building now, and it's getting close to the time to demobilize. I'm so disorganized. It will take weeks to get all my stuff consolidated, organized, and packed back up. I can't wait to leave here. This has seemed to be a long-ass Winter. I need a sunburn, some heat, a mosquito bite, SOMETHING. Oh how I miss the South. Two years I've been North of the Mason-Dixon. Two Whole Years. Have a great weekend. MsAmber

3 days until exam

I am taking the RCDD exam on Tuesday. I really hope I've studied enough. I am having a real hard time retaining the knowledge. So many numbers, so many vocabulary words, and so much fluffy, useless information that it distracts from the facts I'm supposed to remember. I wish they would hire me to fact-check and rewrite the TDMM. I would be really good at it. In one chapter they say that Insertion Loss will now be referred to as Attenuation, but throughout they use Attenuation as a generic term - not specifically referring to Insertion Loss. And I've found that I really need to go back to school and take algebra...and I feel this strange compulsion to write letters of apology to all my former algebra teachers for not paying attention in class. I didn't hate algebra for being too hard; I hated it because I thought I'd never need it. Seemed like a waste of time. Ha ha ha ha haaaa. Today, I am taking a break from studying and going to the Architectural Artifacts place in Toledo. They claim to have over 30,000 square feet of old building salvage. Windows, doors, mantels, etc: from old buildings that were being demolished or renovated. I love old buildings and the way they were made. We just don't build in quality or unique fixtures anymore - I've been wanting to see this place for several weeks. I need to get dressed in something nice, but warm and comfy. I don't think I have that particular combination in my wardrobe. Maybe I'll just mix it up and go looking like Cyndi Lauper. OMG, I'm so funny today. I am a little excited, a little guilty that I'm wasting precious study-time, and a little tanked on Coffee - it's only 6:45 a.m. here, and I'm already bouncing off the walls. You have a wonderful weekend. Peace, Love, and Understanding. MsAmber